ok fine we'll stop joshing. here's the cliff's: it was a nightmare experience -- they were 2.5 hours late, and things got worse. apparently they double booked their actual movers, so a ~25 year old man and his wife were the ones to move me. kind of weird kicking your feet up and watching a lady haul crap out of my apartment, but not weird enough to stop kicking my feet up. at one point, they asked me to help them when they tried to lower my couch down about 4 stories via a pully system (they couldn't figure out how else to get it down), but then had second thoughts because they weren't sure it was safe. i didn't look at their website until halfway through the move to see whether they actually professed to be professional movers, which is when I noticed "OH, THAT'S what kingdom stands for."
on the bright side, they agreed to fix the hole they put in the wall of my old apartment, and we all shared a nice prayer in our dining room after the move was completed roughly 5 hours after it was scheduled to begin (i had very little to move). they asked me to write them a good review and i politely declined.