chum1's dumb job stories

[chum1]

	Owner/CEO: Former D1 basketball player. Mostly just wants to glorify Jesus Christ.
	HRP (HR Principal): Became President/COO 2.5 years after hire. Once got pretty drunk and pretty flirty at happy hour along with chum1.
	D2 (dude#2): On chum1's team. Old software guru. My former boss's (D1) former boss and former VP of Operations. Fell out of favor. Fought like hell to avoid reporting to GG. Technically reported to GG for a little while until no one did. Apparently, sent a t-shirt that says "Professional Miracle Worker" to himself and tried to pass it off as though someone else sent it to him.
	GG (German girl): On chum1's team. New software guru. D2 was her boss's boss until D2 fell out of favor. Then, she was D2 and chum1's boss. Then, she was no one's boss. Once underhandedly stole a childcare spot from FG.
	chum1: Narrator. Constantly confused and surprised by literally everything.
	FG (Finance girl): On Finance team. Buds with chum1. Sometimes seems to maybe have a thing for chum1. Pretty much entire office thought she and chum1 were probably doing it. Husband at the time got busted for trying to have sex with an underage minor he met online.
	NG1 (New girl 1): On chum1's team. In therapy.
	NG2 (New girl 2): On chum1's team. Annoying.
	Cake lady: On an operations team. Likes to call chum1 'trouble' and giggle at things he says.
	OFG (Old football guy): Was VP of Operations for a little while, then moved to Sales. No one noticed that Phil Simms liked his social media post.
	YBG (Young basketball girl): Worked her way up to EVP, Operations. Was Owner/CEO's neighbor and babysitter as a girl. Played on a national champion DII basketball team. Impossibly nice person. Once had to go to Roy's strip club on business.
	Roy: Owner. Old. Also owns some hotels, restaurants, bars, a strip club, and an airplane hangar. Constantly watches live surveillance camera feeds from his properties on his phone.
	D1: Hired chum1. Left company shortly thereafter, but does exact same work as an independent contractor. Work BFFs with D2.

[chum1]

Halloween costume day! This may be the nerdiest costume I've ever seen. This guy has a shark's head coming out of the front of his shirt with fake blood and all and he has a toy chainsaw as a prop. Sharknado, right? But GET THIS. He also has, hanging from around his neck, a photo of himself talking to Ian Ziering at a comic book convention in front of a Sharknado backdrop. Haha.

The photo is terrible, too, because he didn't buy the official $100 promo photo, but had someone else take it from a distance on their phone. You can't even see his face in it - just the back of his head.

My office is possibly elite because it is so damn non-elite. Casual dress, come and go as you please, not really sure who your boss is or if you even have one, no performance reviews, never repercussions for anything you say no matter how inappropriate, the junkiest of junk food provided at least every other week super crazy coworkers. It's so weird.

[chum1]

My office is possibly elite because it is so damn non-elite. Casual dress, come and go as you please, not really sure who your boss is or if you even have one, no performance reviews, never repercussions for anything you say no matter how inappropriate, the junkiest of junk food provided at least every other week super crazy coworkers. It's so weird.

Actually, I'd forgotten that this has been falsified. It's nearly true. But there once was a guy who was yelling/f-bombing within earshot of the lobby where one of the company owners, who is rarely in town, just happened to be hosting some potential clients. It was like the perfect storm for what would have to happen for someone to get fired around here.  And the owner did indeed fire him immediately.

[chum1]

I work with so many crazy people that I never even know where to begin in the co-worker thread.

When I first met the guy who got fired, though, he was standing at his desk chugging water straight out of a gallon sized milk carton. Like, he just held it in one hand like it was a coffee mug. He was basically a body builder. Big muscles. He put the water down on his desk, said "wusup", shook hands, and then went directly back to chugging.

The second time I saw him was on Friday of that week. He was out in back of the building, standing behind this enormous grill loaded with burgers and brats and dancing to whatever music he had on. He was occasionally calling for someone to throw a football to him and then he'd throw it back really high and far. He was wearing shorts and flip-flops and these gigantic sunglass that weren't ski goggles, but the lens in them was like the size of the lens in ski goggles. I later learned that they were several hundred dollars and Italian.

[chum1]

how tall is the chugger?  I am picturing him at about 5-9

That's about right. Dark faux hawk included.

He was like 27 and dating an older woman. A woman who is like seventeen years his senior. A woman who also happened to work in our office.

[chum1]

Please note that with respect to the premium reward for non-smokers, we will provide a reasonable alternative standard for any individuals for whom it is unreasonably difficult due to a medical condition to satisfy the non-smoking standard.  If it is medically inadvisable for an individual to attempt to satisfy the non-smoking standard, we will allow a waiver of the standard. 

In both cases, we must receive written verification from the individual’s personal physician that a health factor makes it unreasonably difficult for the individual to satisfy the standard or medically inadvisable for the individual to attempt to satisfy the standard.

CORRECTION:  A reasonable alternative standard and/or waiver for the premium reduction program will be available without requiring physician verification. The corrected notice is reprinted below.

Please note that with respect to the premium reduction for non-tobacco use, we will provide a reasonable alternative standard for any individuals for whom it is unreasonably difficult due to a medical condition to satisfy the non-tobacco standard.  If it is medically inadvisable for an individual to attempt to satisfy the non-tobacco standard, we will allow a waiver of the standard.

Yes, this is ridiculous, but I must amend the notice again:

Please note that with respect to the premium reduction for non-tobacco use, we will provide a reasonable alternative standard for any individuals who do not meet the otherwise applicable standard.  Contact human resources to obtain the alternative standard.  Recommendations of an individual’s personal physician will be accommodated.

There is no test to verify that someone is a non-smoker tobacco user.

Some hero must have told the company that quitting smoking was not good for their health.

[chum1]

My company once fired someone with cause. That person hired a lawyer. My company opted to let them come back to work rather than fight it. That person has been back at work for like two years.

[chum1]

End of an era for me. I have zero explanation for anything that happened over the past three and a half years.

[chum1]

First day at new job! There was no discussion about what time I should come in. I showed up about 8:30. I learned that my boss was out on vacation and his boss, a VP, was running late. So, the receptionist called the lone colleague in my department for me.

This is a German girl who seems maybe a tad shy of being fully proficient at speaking English. We introduced ourselves and then she just marched me straight to the VP's office and told me I could sit in there and wait if I wanted. I was like "Maybe I'll go find the bathroom and check out the gym. Or even leave and come back in an hour." She said okay and then turned around and walked off.

So, I went to the store and picked up some $6 reading glasses to leave at work and $10 worth of lottery tickets.

The VP was there when I got back. He said and did a bunch of totally normal stuff for the next several hours. BUT THEN, as I was getting ready to leave, he told me that he wanted to share something with me. I'd learned earlier that he was a wrestling coach and has a son who is a star wrestler. He then told me that he'd taken his son to Nationals as a 14 year old and felt terrible because his son lost immediately. His reaction was to write a letter to his son. The letter is what he wanted to share with me. So, I sat there as he read verbatim this 3/4 page, single spaced, deeply personal letter about winning and losing and trying and getting back up and learning life lessons. As he's reading it, I'm like, "Oh crap. How am I supposed to respond to this? Is my response going to sound phony? What's going on here!?" Luckily, he kept right on talking after reading and the conversation flowed naturally.

Tomorrow, my boss will be in! One of the things I remember about him from my interview is that he started out by saying, "Basically, our crap is all mumped up."

[chum1]

I also don't yet have a place to sit, which I don't think is a big deal in itself. What's kind of weird about it, though, is that the VP mentioned a couple of seating options and both involved cubicles that do not currently exist. So, there is no plan in place right now and it seems like it will be AT LEAST several days before I have a place to sit.

[chum1]

I told the VP that I'd wait in a sort of hang out area until my boss gets in. That's where I am now.

[chum1]

I have a place to sit. When my boss got in, he was like, "You need a computer. Let's go to the store." So, we went out and got a whole setup. We brought it all back to a conference room and he was like, "We'll just set it up in here until we figure out what's going on long term." He added that he'd go ahead and move into the conference room, too, and then walked off. So, I just went ahead and started setting up my computer.

[chum1]

Day 3:

My boss moved into the conference room, too. The VP comes in for the first time, smiles real big, and says, "I LOVE IT! Wires and computers everwhere!" He approvingly nods his head a few times, turns and walks to the door, and says another "love it" as he's leaving.

My boss plugged speakers into my computer and said, "Alright, dude, you're the DJamer."

Some of the odds and ends I've learned about my boss: He just took his family to Florida. There were five or six kids/friends of kids along and they rented a van. The kids are all his wife's and the youngest is 14. He met his wife two years ago. They took the kids to Florida so they could go to their dad's wedding. Their dad works at Disney as a costume character, makes like $9/hour, and ended up divorced because he liked partying with 20 year-olds too much. He told my boss that he'd take care of the rooms and my boss discovered three days before they left that he only meant that he was making hotel reservations, not paying for them.

[chum1]

Day 4:

On day 3, the VP, trying to be hospitable and make a good impreesion on the new guy, told me that they have some unclaimed box seat tickets for a Reds/Cubs game if I'm interested. On day 4, German girl came into the conference room office and announced the same thing. My boss, with zero hesitation, says, "Sure! I'll take them!"

Day 5 recap is better. I'm off. Company holiday. Good Friday!

[chum1]

My boss just invited me to go to the gun range with him sometime over lunch.

We never went. 

[chum1]

Week Four:

When I walk through the office in the mornings, I'm always one of the first people here. Sometimes, I come in at like 7:30. Other times, it's more like 9:00. Doesn't matter. The place will be dead. My boss usually comes in between 10:00 and 10:30.

You might assume that this means a whole bunch of people are working past 5:00. But you would be wrong. Both my boss and the VP have explicitly said to me that they don't care when I work as long as the work gets done. So, it appears that this principle applies to the entire office. Yesterday, I left an hour earlier than normal to go mow my lawn.

There are two main groups of people in the office. The first is very religious, very Christian. Not scary radical zealot types, though. They're hyper positive, love everybody Tim Tebow types. Good things aren't just good things. They're blessings. They meet every Friday at lunchtime to talk about servant leadership. I plan to go tomorrow!

The second main group meets every Friday, too. After work. At a bar just down the road. The bar has happy hour double wells for $2.50. This group likes rum and coke keeps the bartender plenty busy. A few in this group will vape inside the bar. And then they'll go outside to smoke cigarettes along with all of the others who don't also vape. I went to their meeting last week.

[chum1]

They meet every Friday at lunchtime to talk about servant leadership. I plan to go tomorrow!

This thing is led by the owner/CEO, who is a 50ish former D1 basketball player. Things I learned:

We are not competing against each other in this company. We are striving to be as awesome as we can be (aka fulfilling God given potential) as individuals and as a company. We are here to make a positive difference in people's lives.

When we are as awesome as we can be, then we have the biggest impact. When this happens, we'll be KILLING the competition. Just absolutely leaving them in the dust. (I didn't understand why we aren't at all competitive within the company yet are super competitive with other companies, but did not question this.)

There was also a whiteboard diagram that looked like a wagon wheel and had words like 'prayer' and 'forgiveness' written on it. I did not really pay attention during that part.

The CEO also mentioned that he missed using his old nap room since it was moved to another location in the office. A girl offered that she had used the new room to take a nap earlier this week. He replied, "DID YOU!? THAT'S AWESOME!!!"

[chum1]

So, about two weeks ago I was talking to a coworker who had just returned from a vacation. I asked her how it was. Her eyes got big, she shook her head in disbelief, and couldn't find the words to describe it. She's currently going through a divorce and she tells me that she ended up on this vacation with her parents and her soon to be ex-husband's parents because the travel arrangements were paid for prior to the break up. She says, "I just learned some things about my ex that I did not know about before." I was like, "Ohh, oh no." Then she says that he's no longer allowed to see their daughter. A few seconds later she adds that he's definitely in some legal trouble. I didn't want to be nosy, so I just told her that I was sorry to hear it and wished her well. She said something about meeting with the best divorce lawyer in the city and repeated that the ex would never see their daughter again.

I kept wondering if the ex was arrested for drugs or what. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me and I got his name via facebook and then googled it. It turns out he was chatting with someone online who he thought was a 15 year-old girl, drove two hours to have sex with her, and was arrested To Catch a Predator style when he arrived.

The end.

[chum1]

[chum1]

My first experience of the guy who has that on his door was when my boss's boss received a text from him. My boss's boss chuckled and showed it to me. It was a pic of a swimsuit model in a bikini.

[chum1]

So, last week, we had a company wide meeting regarding open enrollment. Going in, we'd been told that the owner/CEO of the company was going to give us some info on a second voluntary life insurance product available starting in 2018. Once we were in there, I started realizing that it sounded more like a sales pitch and that the owner/CEO must be getting some sales commission. THEN, I get this in my email this morning:

As a follow up to [redacted]’s conversation with everyone on Friday regarding our new whole life insurance product, we will be reaching out to each of you to schedule 30 minutes to explain exactly how the new product will work for you personally and what the cost will be for you and your family.  Thank you!

[chum1]

Our company x-mas party is tonight. Because you can't just substitute drinking at a company x-mas party with weekly happy hour drinking, the office drinking crew moved up their trip to the bar and went last night instead of tonight. They are flexible! I joined them for the first time in a long time. A few highlights:

* As previously mentioned, the bar down the road has $2.50 double wells. At this point, the bartender just automatically pours rums and Coke into pint glasses for the regulars as they walk in. Like, pint glasses filled to the top, for real.

* The company president, who actually lives four hours away in Cleveland but is in town for the x-mas party, was there and picked up the tab (up to that point) on his way out. There were about ten of us there. I, myself had four pints of craft beer. The bill total, which I saw with my own eyes, was $37.

* The bartender/owner was slightly fretting about having to take down all of her elaborate holiday decorations on a Friday only to turn around and put them back up on a Sunday because Insane Clown Posse is going to be playing there soon and, according to her, "are going to totally trash the place. :/" She assured us that everything would be safe, though, because she has 15 bouncers that she refers to as "SEAL Team Six."

[chum1]

I have two huge projects that go live on 1/1. One critically affects all of the company's lines of business. The other is the most important for our department since I've been here. I received this from my boss today at 10:56 a.m.:

Hey guys, I have some PTO to burn up before the end of the year. I'll be working from home the rest of the week. If you need anything don't hesitate to call or email. I'll be available just not glued to the computer if I can help it.

[chum1]

Boss's boss, 9:13 a.m.:

Subject: Online today
Hello,
I will be available via cellphone and I will be online today.
Thanks.

Boss, like clockwork, 9:36 a.m.:

Subject: Working from home today
Buzz me if you need anything

[chum1]

OMG. I forgot there was a baby shower today!! (Which, incidentally, is probably why my bosses aren't here.) The big conference room where they are having it is adjacent to the break room. I got back from the gym, hair all wet, gym bag over shoulder, and barged into the break room. I immediately heard voices, looked, and saw the double doors to the conference room were open. I was in plain view of, like, ever-y-one in the entire rough ridin' office sitting there for the baby shower. It was almost over, and I'd obviously skipped out on it for my own personal agenda. So, I just gave a big smile, waved, got my lunch out of the fridge, and left. Some dude stared me down and gave me a friendly WTF look.