CF3 judges your jokes on a scale of 0 to 5 tacos

[highway61]

Me:  Somebody told me you sound like an owl.

Some sucker:  Who?

[Cartierfor3]

Two white guys take their Asian friend out camping for the first time. They drive up close to a forest, and wander until they find a good spot for the night. One guy says "I'm going to go get fire wood, (points at the other white guy) you go get some stumps for us to sit on (points at the Asian guy) and you go get the supplies.

The white guys return to the camp site about the same time, with their Asian friend nowhere to be found. They get worried, so they go to the car where the supplies were. Everything is still there, so they go ahead and grab everything and start to take it back to the camp site. About half way there their Asian friend jumps out from behind and tree and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"

[Cartierfor3]

Your mama is so nasty I went over to her house the other day, and when I asked her what we were having for dinner she propped her foot up on the table and said, "Corn!"

Gross. Also very 4th grade nicname.

[Cartierfor3]

Sometimes when people fart I tell them that if they were a boxer their name would be gaseous clay.

much better nicname!

[Cartierfor3]

Your mama is so fat, she should probably be concerned about contracting type 2 diabetes

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM
 
SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
 
BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh crap'.
 
DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 
Channel Locks:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
PVC PIPE CUTTER:

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
 
HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
 
UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Its very Father's Day Card or Tim the Tool Man Taylory, but still:

[Cartierfor3]

Me:  Somebody told me you sound like an owl.

Some sucker:  Who?

[Benja]

Today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall. As he sneered at me, I thought, "That's a little condescending."

[puniraptor]

Today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall. As he sneered at me, I thought, "That's a little condescending."

i would have italicized little condescending (no bold)

[Benja]

Today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall. As he sneered at me, I thought, "That's a little condescending."

i would have italicized little condescending (no bold)

[Benja]

I dunno, when I tell it, I say the word condescending with a lot of emphasis for some reason. Then I just stare at your with my eyebrows cocked and a weird half smirk.

[Benja]

And then that's usually a good time for you to walk away.

[Benja]

And then I ask if you want to hear my ghandi joke

[kslim]

I call them flathead screwdrivers.

yes, more correct than straight

phillips not cross tip or standard right?

[michigancat]

Fun fact about Phillips head screwdrivers: they are actually designed to slip out and thus avoid overtorquing. Pozidriv is much more secure.

[Spracne]

I dunno, when I tell it, I say the word condescending with a lot of emphasis for some reason. Then I just stare at your with my eyebrows cocked and a weird half smirk.

[Benja]

I dunno, when I tell it, I say the word condescending with a lot of emphasis for some reason. Then I just stare at your with my eyebrows cocked and a weird half smirk.

YES SPRACNE!

[Benja]

So Ghandi, I dunno if you guys know, but he walked around barefoot most of the time.
He also ate very little, which made him very frail, and with his odd diet, suffered from bad breath...


This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



 

[Benja]

Oh man. Well, that's enough hilarity for one day. You guys have yourselves a nice evening.

[michigancat]

I enjoyed them both

[Cartierfor3]

Today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall. As he sneered at me, I thought, "That's a little condescending."

So Ghandi, I dunno if you guys know, but he walked around barefoot most of the time.
He also ate very little, which made him very frail, and with his odd diet, suffered from bad breath...


This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



 

['taterblast]

knock knock.

whos' there?

wah.

wah who?

good grief, calm down.

[420seriouscat69]

Bill Clinton and mother teresa died at the same time. For some reason there was a mix up and MT was sent to hell and Bill was sent to heaven. As soon as God found this out, he quickly made the switch. As Bill was falling down and MT was rising up, MT asked Bill:

"Bill, please tell me! How was the virgin mary? Is she as glorious as i've heard?"

His response:

"Mother Teresa, all I know, is she is glorious and she isn't a virgin no more.  :giggdygiggdy:"

  This is the only joke I knew as a kid. They told it all the time at my dads work. 

[Cartierfor3]

knock knock.

whos' there?

wah.

wah who?

good grief, calm down.

Its a 2 taco level on humor but 3 taco level for the "good grief"

Rule 1. Know your crowd.

Bill Clinton and mother teresa died at the same time. For some reason there was a mix up and MT was sent to hell and Bill was sent to heaven. As soon as God found this out, he quickly made the switch. As Bill was falling down and MT was rising up, MT asked Bill:

"Bill, please tell me! How was the virgin mary? Is she as glorious as i've heard?"

His response:

"Mother Teresa, all I know, is she is glorious and she isn't a virgin no more.  :giggdygiggdy:"

  This is the only joke I knew as a kid. They told it all the time at my dads work. 

negative 1 tacos.

[puniraptor]

what if he had used bill clinton voice?

[Cartierfor3]

what if he had used bill clinton voice?

negative 2 tacos. Bill Clinton is horny, George W Bush is stupid, etc are the lowest hanging fruit in humor. Presidential jokes are lame. They are Jay Leno material.