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Some sort of a pun involving fruit talking to each other
I once a slice of apple pie with a slice of cheddar cheese on it, and for dessert I had hamburger à la Mode.
I was really thirsty one day and when I got a cold glass of ice water I was like, this is some solid H2OHYESTHISISGOOD.
"if you talk about batting averages you must be from 1908"
Knock, KnockWho's there?BananaKnock, KnockWho's there?BananaKnock, KnockWho's there?BananaKnock, KnockWho's there?OrangeOrange who?Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?
Why is CF3 so caustic? Because the trifluomethyl group has a significant electronegativity that is often described as being intermediate between the electronegativities of fluorine and chlorine. For this reason, trifluoromethyl-substituted compounds are often strong acids, such as trifluoromethanesulfonic acid and trifluoroacetic acid.
a man walks up to the counter at the library and says "hello. ill have a cheeseburger and fries, please!"the lady at the counter says "sir you know youre in a library, right?"the man whispers back "oh, sorry, ill have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
Two gay guys walked into a bar in western kansas.Everything went great because the owners were very nice and accepting.
On orange cat was sitting on a fence watching a squirrel run across the lawn. The cat yells, "Hey man, why in such a big hurry?" The squirrel turns back and shouts, "Because I don't want you to eat me bro!", to which the cat replies "Oh that makes sense, too bad it's Lent though and I have given up eating squirrels, so you can just relax." The squirrel doesn't stop running though because it knew that cat was at best a Christmas/Easter cat. Unfortunately, a Methodist owl was in the tree and ate Mr. Squirrel . But its ok because Mr. Squirrel was a serial killer .
a priest is walking down the sidewalk and he stumbles into a homeless drunk guy. the homeless guy looks up and says "I am Jesus."the priest doesnt believe him and says "if you're Jesus, prove it."the homeless man says "ok, follow me" and they walk into a bar.the two men walk in and the bartender says "Jesus Christ, what are you doing in here again?!"
Why do aliens have such big heads? Because they love hats.
What's the deal with toothpaste? I mean come on! With the tubes and having to squeeze it from the end. It's like "Hello? It's 2014 here can't put this into a better delivery system?" They can make quantum enabled beer cans but with toothpaste we have to hunch over and squeeeeze from the end like a 3 year old kid in daycare on crack! And don't get me started on what it looks like. "OOH DUR LET'S MAKE IT WHITE AGAIN!" "GREAT IDEA JONES!" And the commercials for this stuff? GIVE ME A BREAK! You have these demented grinning psychos running around cramming this paste into their faces while I gotta sit here and believe that this is greatest miracle known to man. It doesn't even do what it says? I'd love to see you try to get a tooth knocked out and put back in place with this so-called tooth paste! Advertisers man, they will stop at nothing to get your soul. What we need is a paste to get rid of them [pause for applause], maybe call it butt paste because that's where the heads of these bozos on 5th Avenue are at!
Vodka, Gin, and Whiskey all walk into a Whole Foods. The manager runs up to the and demands to know why they aren't wearing pants. Vodka runs away, Gin starts crying and Whiskey shoots him in the head.
what do you do when you see a Spaceman?park your car, man.
horse walks into a bar and the bartender says hey why the long face?also, chingon's are very funny.
What's so great about having sex with a pregnant chick?Handjob same time
Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."
A group of 3rd graders was given a "taste test" at school one day. Blindfolded, the first little girl gets an apple slice and say's "Mrs. Smith, that tastes like apple". The teacher says, "Very good, Mary. You may take your seat."The second boy gets an orange wedge and says, "Mrs. Smith, that was orange". She says, "Very good, Robert. You may take your seat."Next up is Johnny with Billy to follow. She unwraps a Hershey's kiss and gives it to Johnny. He eats and and says, "I'm not sure what that was, Mrs. Smith." The teacher, thinking that Johnny is just trying to get another piece of chocolate decides to give him a "hint" rather than more of the delicious candy... Mrs. Smith says, "I'll give you a hint, Johnny. It's something that your mommy gives your daddy every night when they go to bed."Billy spins around and says, "Spit it out, Johnny!!! It's a piece of ass!!!"
So little Johnny is in class taking in a vocabulary lesson. One of the words is dictate, and the teacher asks Johnny to use it in a sentence. He says:"My momma's always complainin' because she don't like the way my daddy's dictate."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said."I had to kill him with the chair!"
How do you make a tissue dance?put a little boogie in it
Quote from: Katdaddy on June 03, 2014, 10:45:06 PMI don't have any, for say, jokes. But I got a true story to tell. When I was a young man, I had the most wonderful hunting dog known to man. One day my neighbor asked to barrow my dog for a hunting trip in western Kansas. After a couple of weeks, I went over to the neighbor's place to get my dog. He looked sadly at me and said he had to shoot my dog. I asked him why he would do that. He proceeds to tell me about his hunting trip. "We go hunting for geese and Tex, my dog's name, looked straight up in the sky in the middle of a field and then scrapes the ground with his paw three times. Sure enough, three geese flew right over us. Later on, we're in a boat on the Smokey River and it's really windy. We are getting close to a bend in the river and Tex curves his front paw around in the shape of the bend. Then picks up a wood hammer we happen to have in the boat and shakes his head a half dozen times. Well what do you think was around the bend, if you're guessing 6 mallard ducks, you're correct." At that point I asked what in the world would make you want to kill my wonderful hunter partner. "We decided to go hunting for ducks on farm ponds. We're walking up to the berm of this huge pond and just before we get there, your dog finds a mud hole and starts to roll in it and then picks up a stick and shakes it violently. It looks like the dog had gone mad, so I shot him."My eyes got the size of red hot boulders, when I told that stupid son of duck mucker that Tex was telling them there were more mud ducks on that pond than you could shake a stick at. Tacos???
I don't have any, for say, jokes. But I got a true story to tell. When I was a young man, I had the most wonderful hunting dog known to man. One day my neighbor asked to barrow my dog for a hunting trip in western Kansas. After a couple of weeks, I went over to the neighbor's place to get my dog. He looked sadly at me and said he had to shoot my dog. I asked him why he would do that. He proceeds to tell me about his hunting trip. "We go hunting for geese and Tex, my dog's name, looked straight up in the sky in the middle of a field and then scrapes the ground with his paw three times. Sure enough, three geese flew right over us. Later on, we're in a boat on the Smokey River and it's really windy. We are getting close to a bend in the river and Tex curves his front paw around in the shape of the bend. Then picks up a wood hammer we happen to have in the boat and shakes his head a half dozen times. Well what do you think was around the bend, if you're guessing 6 mallard ducks, you're correct." At that point I asked what in the world would make you want to kill my wonderful hunter partner. "We decided to go hunting for ducks on farm ponds. We're walking up to the berm of this huge pond and just before we get there, your dog finds a mud hole and starts to roll in it and then picks up a stick and shakes it violently. It looks like the dog had gone mad, so I shot him."My eyes got the size of red hot boulders, when I told that stupid son of duck mucker that Tex was telling them there were more mud ducks on that pond than you could shake a stick at.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit is head???A:....."Dam" holy crap it gets me every time
My penis. Girls usually laugh at it so it has to be taco worthy?
What did the bug say just before he hit the car windshield at 70 MPH. "That takes guts!"
