Author Topic: CF3 judges your jokes on a scale of 0 to 5 tacos (Read 70335 times)

puniraptor · « **Reply #100 on:** June 03, 2014, 10:04:38 AM »

Quote from: Emo EMAW on June 03, 2014, 10:01:45 AM

So little Johnny is in class taking in a vocabulary lesson. One of the words is dictate, and the teacher asks Johnny to use it in a sentence. He says:

"My momma's always complainin' because she don't like the way my daddy's dictate."

Benja · « **Reply #101 on:** June 03, 2014, 10:08:36 AM »

Wow, those are just terrible jokes. Just truly bad.

Benja · « **Reply #102 on:** June 03, 2014, 10:09:32 AM »

I had a good one about gay guys in western kansas earlier, if you want to study good joke structure.

Institutional Control · « **Reply #103 on:** June 03, 2014, 10:13:02 AM »

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair!"

chunkles · « **Reply #104 on:** June 03, 2014, 08:35:01 PM »

How do you make a tissue dance?

put a little boogie in it

Katpappy · « **Reply #105 on:** June 03, 2014, 09:58:01 PM »

Quote from: 8manpick on June 02, 2014, 08:05:08 AM

A man is hiking alone in the mountains when he sees a little girl crying near the edge of a steep cliff. He says to the little girl "what's wrong, why are you so upset?"

She responds, "my older brother tripped and fell off this cliff, and my parents fell off trying to catch him. Now I'm all alone in these woods and I'm scared"

The man unzips his pants and says, "today just isn't your day sweetie."

The girl screams, "KATDADDY, NOOOOOOOOO!"

Katpappy · « **Reply #106 on:** June 03, 2014, 10:08:50 PM »

Quote from: Spracne on June 02, 2014, 02:57:16 PM

Why is CF3 so caustic? Because the trifluomethyl group has a significant electronegativity that is often described as being intermediate between the electronegativities of fluorine and chlorine. For this reason, trifluoromethyl-substituted compounds are often strong acids, such as trifluoromethanesulfonic acid and trifluoroacetic acid.

Is the professor still at KU?

Katpappy · « **Reply #107 on:** June 03, 2014, 10:45:06 PM »

I don't have any, for say, jokes. But I got a true story to tell. When I was a young man, I had the most wonderful hunting dog known to man. One day my neighbor asked to barrow my dog for a hunting trip in western Kansas. After a couple of weeks, I went over to the neighbor's place to get my dog. He looked sadly at me and said he had to shoot my dog. I asked him why he would do that. He proceeds to tell me about his hunting trip. "We go hunting for geese and Tex, my dog's name, looked straight up in the sky in the middle of a field and then scrapes the ground with his paw three times. Sure enough, three geese flew right over us. Later on, we're in a boat on the Smokey River and it's really windy. We are getting close to a bend in the river and Tex curves his front paw around in the shape of the bend. Then picks up a wood hammer we happen to have in the boat and shakes his head a half dozen times. Well what do you think was around the bend, if you're guessing 6 mallard ducks, you're correct." At that point I asked what in the world would make you want to kill my wonderful hunter partner. "We decided to go hunting for ducks on farm ponds. We're walking up to the berm of this huge pond and just before we get there, your dog finds a mud hole and starts to roll in it and then picks up a stick and shakes it violently. It looks like the dog had gone mad, so I shot him."
My eyes got the size of red hot boulders, when I told that stupid son of duck mucker that Tex was telling them there were more mud ducks on that pond than you could shake a stick at.

Katpappy · « **Reply #108 on:** June 05, 2014, 09:39:27 AM »

Quote from: Katdaddy on June 03, 2014, 10:45:06 PM

I don't have any, for say, jokes. But I got a true story to tell. When I was a young man, I had the most wonderful hunting dog known to man. One day my neighbor asked to barrow my dog for a hunting trip in western Kansas. After a couple of weeks, I went over to the neighbor's place to get my dog. He looked sadly at me and said he had to shoot my dog. I asked him why he would do that. He proceeds to tell me about his hunting trip. "We go hunting for geese and Tex, my dog's name, looked straight up in the sky in the middle of a field and then scrapes the ground with his paw three times. Sure enough, three geese flew right over us. Later on, we're in a boat on the Smokey River and it's really windy. We are getting close to a bend in the river and Tex curves his front paw around in the shape of the bend. Then picks up a wood hammer we happen to have in the boat and shakes his head a half dozen times. Well what do you think was around the bend, if you're guessing 6 mallard ducks, you're correct." At that point I asked what in the world would make you want to kill my wonderful hunter partner. "We decided to go hunting for ducks on farm ponds. We're walking up to the berm of this huge pond and just before we get there, your dog finds a mud hole and starts to roll in it and then picks up a stick and shakes it violently. It looks like the dog had gone mad, so I shot him."
My eyes got the size of red hot boulders, when I told that stupid son of duck mucker that Tex was telling them there were more mud ducks on that pond than you could shake a stick at.

Tacos???

Trogdor · « **Reply #109 on:** June 05, 2014, 09:45:52 AM »

Q: What did the fish say when he hit is head???

A:....."Dam"

holy crap it gets me every time

KSUblumpkin · « **Reply #110 on:** June 05, 2014, 10:21:00 AM »

My penis. Girls usually laugh at it so it has to be taco worthy?

Bqqkie Pimp · « **Reply #111 on:** June 05, 2014, 12:01:33 PM »

Quote from: Bookie Pimp on June 03, 2014, 09:10:53 AM

A group of 3rd graders was given a "taste test" at school one day. Blindfolded, the first little girl gets an apple slice and say's "Mrs. Smith, that tastes like apple". The teacher says, "Very good, Mary. You may take your seat."

The second boy gets an orange wedge and says, "Mrs. Smith, that was orange". She says, "Very good, Robert. You may take your seat."

Next up is Johnny with Billy to follow. She unwraps a Hershey's kiss and gives it to Johnny. He eats and and says, "I'm not sure what that was, Mrs. Smith." The teacher, thinking that Johnny is just trying to get another piece of chocolate decides to give him a "hint" rather than more of the delicious candy... Mrs. Smith says, "I'll give you a hint, Johnny. It's something that your mommy gives your daddy every night when they go to bed."

Billy spins around and says, "Spit it out, Johnny!!! It's a piece of ass!!!"

Did you stop scoring? Where are my 5 rough ridin' tacos?!?

Katpappy · « **Reply #112 on:** June 05, 2014, 02:15:53 PM »

What did the bug say just before he hit the car windshield at 70 MPH. "That takes guts!"

star seed 7 · « **Reply #113 on:** June 05, 2014, 05:51:21 PM »

Quote from: KSUblumpkin on June 05, 2014, 10:21:00 AM

My penis. Girls usually laugh at it so it has to be taco worthy?

have you stopped by the dick pic thread?

Emo EMAW · « **Reply #114 on:** June 06, 2014, 10:20:53 AM »

So a termite walks into So Long and asks "is the bar tender here?"

Bloodfart · « **Reply #115 on:** June 06, 2014, 10:24:02 AM »

Quote from: Katdaddy on June 05, 2014, 02:15:53 PM

What did the bug say just before he hit the car windshield at 70 MPH. "That takes guts!"

To add to that. What's the last thing that goes through a bug's brain when it hits a windshield?

It's ass.

The Big Train · « **Reply #116 on:** June 06, 2014, 11:11:57 AM »

CF3's promptness in judging jokes in this thread

hemmy · « **Reply #117 on:** June 06, 2014, 11:13:17 AM »

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing, you cant cross a scalar with a vector.

KITNfury · « **Reply #118 on:** June 06, 2014, 11:54:06 AM »

Potato

Brock Landers · « **Reply #119 on:** June 06, 2014, 11:55:35 AM »

Punch line only:

Rectum? It damn near killed him!

The Tonya Harding of Twitter Users Creep · « **Reply #120 on:** June 06, 2014, 12:18:37 PM »

Quote from: The Big Train on June 06, 2014, 11:11:57 AM

CF3's promptness in judging jokes in this thread

Cartierfor3 · « **Reply #121 on:** June 06, 2014, 04:29:17 PM »

I am sorry. Has been a hectic hectic week with many things going on. This evening I plan to promptly taco all jokes I have yet to taco. You are my buds and I'm sorry I've left you hanging by a taco.

slobber · « **Reply #122 on:** June 06, 2014, 06:17:12 PM »

What's the difference in and egg, your wife, your meat, and a blowjob?

You can beat and egg.
You can beat your wife.

You can even beat your meat!,

But.......

You just can't beat a good blowjob.

Gonna win 'em all!

Cartierfor3 · « **Reply #123 on:** June 06, 2014, 07:36:14 PM »

Quote from: Mrs. Gooch on June 02, 2014, 02:52:40 PM

What did the Mexican say when his house fell over on him?

Get off me homes!

Cartierfor3 · « **Reply #124 on:** June 06, 2014, 07:37:35 PM »

Quote from: Chingon on June 02, 2014, 02:52:56 PM

A MacBook Pro, a Galaxy Note, an iPad all walk into a karaoke bar. They all dance to "U Can't Touch This" while Jim from IT raps, but only the MacBook Pro knows how he really feels.

I don't get it, but I'm not that smart and I assume its a smart joke.