Hilarious Things At Your Office

[KITNfury]

Just picked up on it. The guy who she was bitching about having a little weiner and who she was going to make walk the plank for it, dumped her first last night. Karma. 

Giant vagina confirmed

Haha yeah. Send her an email that says nothing but "Hotdogs, hallways".

[CNS]

Welp, I guess if this central nervous system thing doesn't work out, I will apparently fit right in at a facilities job.

[slobber]

Welp, I guess if this central nervous system thing doesn't work out, I will apparently fit right in at a facilities job.

You will need patients.

[CNS]

Welp, I guess if this central nervous system thing doesn't work out, I will apparently fit right in at a facilities job.

You will need patients.

Given that this job is in San Fran, I could wear a lab coat ironically to work while asking for patients.

[Emo EMAW]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

[Dugout DickStone]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

there is a thread for this

[Emo EMAW]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

there is a thread for this

Yes, but this is potentially work related.

[Dr Rick Daris]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

there is a thread for this

Yes, but this is potentially work related.

there are like 8k hotels in cancun so why pick that one unless that's your intent.

[Emo EMAW]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

there is a thread for this

Yes, but this is potentially work related.

there are like 8k hotels in cancun so why pick that one unless that's your intent.

Exactly! 

[KITNfury]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

there is a thread for this

Yes, but this is potentially work related.

there are like 8k hotels in cancun so why pick that one unless that's your intent.

Maybe he's a romatic at heart

[slobber]

Is Cancun Desire like only a swingers place?

there is a thread for this

Yes, but this is potentially work related.

[Emo EMAW]

I think a co worker went there last week.  Probably zero chance of actually confirming it now that he knows I know what it is.

['taterblast]

My First Day:

Heyyyy guys!

Well, today was my very first day. I was originally told that I would be going to a client site today but unfortunately, that does not begin until Wednesday so I am stuck in the office for another day. I originally thought that I would be doing absolutely nothing but stare into space for eight hours but I was wrong. That would have been more worth my while than what I did. I did jack crap. Jack. crap.

I stepped in the office at 9 am and stared into the abyss for a good solid hour before I even attempted to do anything. I let the emails roll in with zero care in the entire world. About an hour into the day, I thought it would be a wise career move to maybe check them. Nope. I was assigned the task of looking up 2300 client year ends and putting them in a spreadsheet. The title of this assignment was "Postcards!!!" (email title from my manager. Exclamation points were seriously over-utilized and my superior was a little overzealous).

Now you guys have known me long enough that concepts understood by 10-12 year olds might go over my head so of course I had a question. I wandered around the office for a solid 10 minutes trying to find this woman so she could give me guidance on this mindless and meaningless task. She was nowhere to be found. This confused me even more so I needed a mental timeout. After 30 minutes of sitting on my ass, I decided to wing it. (Manager wasn't in the office...found this out after I wandered around the office like an idiot). I hope I did this simple assignment right but if I didn't, I don't think anyone will care because only the worst "Postcards!!!" have fiscal year ends on them. What a shitty postcard.

Lunch time was awesome because it was paid for by the company and it took 90 minutes. We did go to a seafood restaurant (which smelled like crap but it was free) and I ordered a cheeseburger smothered in ketchup. At this point, Emily decided to tell everyone about my absurd ketchup addiction so I fielded questions about my disgusting eating habits from complete strangers who also work in my company. What a great first impression...I'm the guy who orders hamburgers at a seafood restaurant, defiles them with a half bottle of ketchup, and I eat slop like a pig. Life is glorious.

After lunch, I was informed about those CPE training tests we have to take. What a load of crap. I thought I could wing them and pass. Wrong. So wrong. I got a 20% on the "judgment" exam. Nothing like another test that implies my inability to complete my job with moderate, even minuscule, success. But a 20% when you try? eff me sideways with a lunchbox, that's devastatingly horrible. Then I realized that I have only two more opportunities to do this? Christ. After I got around the ego demoralization, I made the conscious decision to surf the web for a solid 3 hours. I found an invention that is available for $35 that gives you the ability to vaporize alcohol and inhale it and get drunk. That's the last thing I need...more ways to get mumped up that are fiscally responsible. Seriously, you might see me on the news one day all cracked out on Jim Beam offering sexual favors for a hit of alcohol. This is the crap I thought about all day.

Well, that was my first day! So fun and enlightening. I really put all the knowledge I obtained while at the Q Center to great use. Even my handy "ask your superior" panacea didn't aid me in my struggles. I hope that all of your days were equally as entertaining. My shed had no crickets but I came home to my fridge and freezer completely defrosted. There is mold all over my fridge and it smells like dead bodies but it did not affect the quality of my Natural Lights that were stored in that crap box. I would know because I am drinking them now to ease the "stress" that my first day caused me. It's gonna be a long career hahaha.

I hope to hear from all of you soon!

Cameron

[420seriouscat69]

 

[420seriouscat69]

I wanna party with cameron.

['taterblast]

i stumbled on a gold mine today. here's another one. disclaimer, i changed the names and company info (most of it anyway)

My First Engagement:
What's up fuckazZzZz!

OK, so I meant to send you guys an email about my very first day on my very first engagement but crap got out of control last night. I ended up hitting the bar with a potential roommate (yes, I might be moving out of the shed) then I ended up getting real drunk in the shed. Embarrassing, yes. Fun, kinda? Anyway, that's my embarrassing/alcoholic reason as to why I did not reach out and network with my peers.

Back to the engagement. Guys, if you thought I was in over my head after orientation, you should see me now. I am just comically unprepared and hilariously incompetent. The worst part is, it is only TWO of us at the client site. TWO! Do you know what that means? It is me and some poor senior who fields my stupid rough ridin' questions at least every two minutes. Company XYZ really crap the bed on this one. How do you assign one senior to possibly one of the worst auditors this side of the Mississippi?? I need a sit down with someone Dave Alexander to explain to him that I need more support. Check that, I am sure that my senior (Mitch) will do that himself. I bet he is so sick of my nasally voice and my workplace gaffes. If I had to rate myself on a percentile basis, I would rate myself somewhere in the fourth or fifth percentile. That's shockingly below average. I can't be the worst though. There is no way, right? I'm sure Bombshell has to suck at auditing. For Christ sakes she wore leopard print pants to Betty Anderson’s seminar. I might not know how to connect to VPN or even put my correct phone number in my signature (some poor HR woman in my office had her cell phone number distributed to so many people who shouldn't have it) but I know what appropriate clothing is and I know how to not look like a hooker. At least I have that going for me...which is nice.

OK so yesterday I showed up to the client 20 minutes early. I felt like this was a solid move. It showed that I am eager to start and ready to rock out some audits. No. This was a poor move. My senior was 10 minutes late so I ended up looking like a rough ridin' dick, sitting alone in a big ass conference room, billing them my rate for looking up the cheapest liquor prices in a 15 mile radius. I am dedicated to my job, right?. Anyway, he shows up and the crap show begins. He literally assigned me 20 forms to look at and edit. Excuse me? Do you know what I am able to do? I will photocopy the crap out of a document but I can't perform a walkthrough for dick. One of the more epic quotes pertaining to my ineptitude was said today by Mitch. "Cameron, you signed off on EVERY SINGLE document in the caseware database! You haven't even done anything in the last 30 minutes." That was a solid move.

However, the best display of my inability to comprehend any small procedure occurred when I was given a 0340 form to do. This was a poor move by Mitch. He legitimately thought I could do it. He was in for a surprise. Earlier today, I learned that Mitch was up until 12:30 cleaning up after hurricane Cameron got a hold of some documents. Poor guy. Anyway, back to the 0340 document. I got it back and it had 34 comments. THIRTY. FOUR. How the eff does this happen?? The thing was, I actually tried to complete this document successfully. What had happened was I actually did nothing correctly. On top of that, I typed over some of the progress that Mitch had made on the form so I took us back a solid few steps. Future CEO right??

Anyway, Mitch deserves 10 accolades for having to put up with my remedial ass. I don't think he was ready to be paired with someone as devastatingly behind as me. He was not amused when I told him that there was "less than a 5% chance that I complete the whole 0340 form flawlessly." I bet he's cleaning up all the messes I made today right now.

So this is all for now. I'm sure I will have some more solid stories later. Do any of you know of any janitorial jobs available??

Your favorite person who is bad at his job,
Cameron

[mocat]

Is that an email or what am I looking at here?

['taterblast]

Is that an email or what am I looking at here?

they're emails to his coworker friends

[Panjandrum]

I'm telling you, right now, that this Cameron guy is going to be one of those Silicon Valley app developers that ends up getting bought by Google.

[TheProdigiousTalent]

So there was an email sent to everyone in my company and sister schools informing them to complete online tranings that might be passed due. I walk in today and I have like 80 emails with ppl replying all "done", "I completed mine", "stop replying all", "lol stop replying all everyone", "lol. How's everyones day?", "Jesus, stop it, " ", "stop", so on and so on.

Then this rough ridin' guy throws this wammy in there:

My last day with the company is tomorrow, therefore, I will most likely not be completing this training. I will be listing “email etiquette” as the second reason for my departure.

and then boom:

Please note for all of those that are using this chain inappropriately, moving forward all emails will be sent to your supervisors and Human resources. Thank you   

Dumbasses! 

This guy may spend much of his career searching for a place where people are universally observant/conscientious enough to avoid including e-mail addresses in mass e-mails' to:/cc: fields and replying all to such e-mails.  Sadly (or hilariously, depending on your perspective), it's almost certainly the case that any large organization with large e-mail distributions and without safeguards to curtail this kind of thing has the ocasional self-sustaining moron self-identification e-mail thread.  When this happens, I just grab some popcorn and sit back and watch with glee as the cacophony of stupidity crescendoes.  I remember two massive threads - one with thousands of recipients - that went on for days / hundreds of e-mails (including scores of PhDs saying things like "Pls remove me!  Why are you e-mailing me?  I did not sign up."  And "Me too").  Dumb/careless people are everywhere.  Just amazing/cringeworthy/delightful.

Pro tip: If someone from your team dons a dunce cap and joins the parade, you're pretty much forced to rethink your hiring standards and interview process.

[Tobias]

http://goEMAW.com/forum/index.php?topic=21202.msg537679#msg537679

[CNS]

My First Day:

Heyyyy guys!

Well, today was my very first day. I was originally told that I would be going to a client site today but unfortunately, that does not begin until Wednesday so I am stuck in the office for another day. I originally thought that I would be doing absolutely nothing but stare into space for eight hours but I was wrong. That would have been more worth my while than what I did. I did jack crap. Jack. crap.

I stepped in the office at 9 am and stared into the abyss for a good solid hour before I even attempted to do anything. I let the emails roll in with zero care in the entire world. About an hour into the day, I thought it would be a wise career move to maybe check them. Nope. I was assigned the task of looking up 2300 client year ends and putting them in a spreadsheet. The title of this assignment was "Postcards!!!" (email title from my manager. Exclamation points were seriously over-utilized and my superior was a little overzealous).

Now you guys have known me long enough that concepts understood by 10-12 year olds might go over my head so of course I had a question. I wandered around the office for a solid 10 minutes trying to find this woman so she could give me guidance on this mindless and meaningless task. She was nowhere to be found. This confused me even more so I needed a mental timeout. After 30 minutes of sitting on my ass, I decided to wing it. (Manager wasn't in the office...found this out after I wandered around the office like an idiot). I hope I did this simple assignment right but if I didn't, I don't think anyone will care because only the worst "Postcards!!!" have fiscal year ends on them. What a shitty postcard.

Lunch time was awesome because it was paid for by the company and it took 90 minutes. We did go to a seafood restaurant (which smelled like crap but it was free) and I ordered a cheeseburger smothered in ketchup. At this point, Emily decided to tell everyone about my absurd ketchup addiction so I fielded questions about my disgusting eating habits from complete strangers who also work in my company. What a great first impression...I'm the guy who orders hamburgers at a seafood restaurant, defiles them with a half bottle of ketchup, and I eat slop like a pig. Life is glorious.

After lunch, I was informed about those CPE training tests we have to take. What a load of crap. I thought I could wing them and pass. Wrong. So wrong. I got a 20% on the "judgment" exam. Nothing like another test that implies my inability to complete my job with moderate, even minuscule, success. But a 20% when you try? eff me sideways with a lunchbox, that's devastatingly horrible. Then I realized that I have only two more opportunities to do this? Christ. After I got around the ego demoralization, I made the conscious decision to surf the web for a solid 3 hours. I found an invention that is available for $35 that gives you the ability to vaporize alcohol and inhale it and get drunk. That's the last thing I need...more ways to get mumped up that are fiscally responsible. Seriously, you might see me on the news one day all cracked out on Jim Beam offering sexual favors for a hit of alcohol. This is the crap I thought about all day.

Well, that was my first day! So fun and enlightening. I really put all the knowledge I obtained while at the Q Center to great use. Even my handy "ask your superior" panacea didn't aid me in my struggles. I hope that all of your days were equally as entertaining. My shed had no crickets but I came home to my fridge and freezer completely defrosted. There is mold all over my fridge and it smells like dead bodies but it did not affect the quality of my Natural Lights that were stored in that crap box. I would know because I am drinking them now to ease the "stress" that my first day caused me. It's gonna be a long career hahaha.

I hope to hear from all of you soon!

Cameron

Emily sounds like a real bitch

[420seriouscat69]

Calls   58   42   299   0   65   49(Training)
Appointments   1   2   4   0   2   0
Re-Scheduled   0   0   0   0   0   2
Interviews   0   1   1   0   1   1
Applications   0   1   1   0   0   0

I found this entertaining. This was yesterdays productivity. Out of 6 advisers, I out called them all. 

[WillieWatanabe]

i don't know what i'm reading, but you have a 1.3% success rate?

[420seriouscat69]

i don't know what i'm reading, but you have a 1.3% success rate?

You have no clue the crap they give us to call. Some of this stuff has been in the system since 2000. It took 299 calls to make 4 appointments and only had voice-to-voice with 20 answering and 16 telling me to go eff myself and to take them off the list.