Brownbackistan Breakout - A gEMAW Story

[ben ji]

Brownbackistan Breakout

The year is 2015.

The United States of America suffers a major socioeconomic collapse and power vacuum sweeps the country. A radicalized Christian Government rises to power in the Great Plains and renames the Central United States Brownbackistan. News spreads about a newly created state to the west called "Bears"  that is super awesome causing Premier Brownback to quickly seal the borders of Brownbackistan.

In the thick of these Political Maneuvers, Steve Dave, a prominent BBS'r living in Omaha makes a break west for the newly created state of "Bears". With the major Interstates turned into Mad Max Zones and armed only with his trusty 16 gauge shotgun(No Ammo) Steve Dave will need to travel a perilous 350 miles undetected to reach safety.

[ben ji]

Chapter 1 “Canceled”

"What do you mean you aren't accepting Frequent Flier miles at this time?" The strain was getting to Steve Dave, it had only been 5 days since Premier Brownback had created Brownbackistan but he desperately wanted out.

"I'm sorry sir, but being an emerald gold select member means nothing now since we do not service Brownbackistan. We are estimating it will take 4-5 weeks before we can print a mini bible for each seat to comply with Brownbackistan Bill 17.38."

In 4-5 weeks every border along Brownbackistan would be sealed he thought, I need out now. After thanking the AA Emerald Gold Select attendant he immediately started thinking of the dangerous trip to "Bears" ahead of him. His IRL bud Pete had recently made the trip across I-70 and reported a Mad Max like scene with refugees being rounded up by BrownShirts and sent to "Born Again" Camps. Pete had narrowly escaped being "Born Again" when he was saved by Queen Winters and her family.

Steve Dave tried to call his good friend Dugout Dickstone but it went to VM. “Dammit, probably out pounding beers with his bros” He Whispered. He would have to drive and avoid the major highways, and he would have to leave fast.

When he got home he started packing. 4 Miller lite screw tops later he had loaded up his family and all of his George Brett Memorabilia into their jeep and was ready to go.

[ben ji]

Chapter 2 “Tunnels”

“Let’s keep it moving. Goods destined for Lakesantonio on the left, BEARS goods on the right!” Dugout Dickstone shouted. The eccentric billionaire had spent the last 10 years digging tunnels across the Midwest, eventually acquiring the nickname “Dugout”. What started as a hobby quickly progressed after Brownbackistan was formed and now constituted the most efficient form of transport through hostile Brownbackistan. Everything from 70 inch Flatscreen TV’s to Refugees flowed in a steady stream through the 10 ft wide tunnels. Premier Brownback knew the tunnels existed but lacked the intestinal fortitude to confront the problem, electing to secure his hold on power above before venturing below.

While Brownback consolidated his power above Dickstone used his underground passages to help his friends escape into BEARS. Just 2 days ago Queen Winters group had Rescued Pete from the Chaos on I-70 and helped him reach safety through the tunnels. Now he had to figure out a way to get his IRL bud Steve Dave and his family to safety.

The call had come last night but Dickstone was too busy pounding brews with his Bro’s to notice he had a VM. He was behind the 8 ball but he knew the path SD would take to reach BEARS, he also had just the man for the job….

“WackyCat! Get over here! And bring your buds 8manpick, TTHOTUC and DLew. Steve Dave needs our help”

[ben ji]

Chapter 3 “Somewhere Outside Lincoln”

Steve Dave continued west on highway 92, thinking it best to avoid I-80 and the BrownShirts who may be manning the roadblocks. It was 6am before he realized he only had 1/8th a tank left and decided he had to risk a stop at the next town to refuel. Twenty miles later he pulled into the only gas station in Brainard NE.

Scoping out the parking lot he saw that the only other vehicle in the lot was a 1987 Ford Bronco with a "HUSKGER" tag and a Larry the Cable guy bumper sticker. Pulling up to the gas pump he got out and inserted his Hilton Honors reward card...nothing happened. He tried his AA super double bonus points card next but still, nothing happened. As he reached for his Marriott Premium Diamond Club card the lone worker, barely over 16 and wearing wrangler jeans and a cutoff BrownShirt walked up.

"Cxuse me sir, My name is Jaxson. You having trouble here?" Steve Dave explained that something must be wrong with the pumps as none of his cards were working and he needs to get to "BEARS" asap.

Jaxson slowly backed up and reached for the side arm holstered on his hip. "Hold it right ther sir. Did ya ya not hear that Premier Brownback says that anyone trying to get to "BEARS" is a terrorist?! Ima need you to stay right here until Constable Pearlman or Sheriff Osborne can get here."

Jaxson nervously eyed the man in front of him, little did he know that Steve Dave had trained for 10 years at the Sidewinder DoJo with his best buds Limestone and Rick Daris. Years of training had made Steve Dave the most feared fighter at the annual Ernie Barrett Statue Throwdowns. The second Jaxson turned his head there was a loud SMACK as a flying roundhouse kick sent him into the engine block of SD's 2015 Jeep Grand Cherokee limited.

Before Jaxson could catch his breath he was pummeled by fists and feet flying faster than Tom Cruise in Top Gun. 30 seconds later Jaxson was a crumpled heap of a boy with crap stained pants. 

SD decided he needed to leave, sooner or later Constable Pearlman and Sheriff Osborne would show up while making their rounds. He jumped in his vehicle and turned the key....nothing happened. His violent disposing of Jaxson had cracked the engine block. To reach the promised land of "BEARS" he would have to make it on foot.

He roused the wife and SD jr, still wearing his Eric Hosmer Jersey, and started walking west.

[ben ji]

Chapter 4 “Turkey Shoot”

Wacky, and his crew made their way west from Manhattan, in a few minutes they would be at Queen Winters Compound to pickup up the supplies they needed for their mission. The Queen’s compound was a veritable gold mine, a 60 acre site bursting from the seams with Ammo/Food that had been slowly acquired by her parents over the last 30 years. In addition to the Queen and her family the compound was also home to Winters, Nicname, and the rest of Kings Court trivia team (2015 Fatty Fest Runner up).

All of a sudden Shots rang out in the distance, “Everyone down” Wacky whispered. Another volley of shots rang out as Wacky and his team neared the compound. When they crested the hill they could see the compound under attack below them. There were six attackers, all wearing Brownshirts and slowly working their way closer to the compound. “Its go time gentlemen, 8man and TTHOTUC sweep around the back side, looks like someone is pinned down by the barn and needs help. I’ve got the guy ahead of me by the creek”

Winters did indeed need help, he had been out milking the cow when the surprise attack came. Wood shattered and bullets flew over his head as he took cover elbow deep in cow crap. Two shots rang out from what seemed like right next to him, this is it he thought, I’m a goner. Instead Winters looked up to see 8manpick and TTHOTUC Standing next to him PEW PEW PEW’n away at the bad guys.

Meanwhile across the compound Wacky looked down at the man taking cover by the creek, he had never killed a man before but today he faced no choice.  He calmly gazed down the barrel of his shotgun and squeezed the trigger. “BOOM” Wacky couldn’t remember a gun being this loud and momentarily lost his focus, by the time he looked back down the barrel the bad guy was face down in the creek.

Facing fire from 2 sides the remaining Brownshirts quickly fled on their motorcycles.

Wacky slowly approached the bad guy laying in the creek. His one shot had grazed the bad guy on the knee cap, certainly this could not have killed the man...he thouht…. Inspecting closer Wacky came to the realization that after being the shot the man had fallen into the creek head first and drowned in the 2 feet of water. Just like turkey hunting Wacky chuckled.

Wacky started walking way when something on the bad guys arm caught his attention. Pulling back the dead man's sleeve he saw a tattoo.



This man he had killed was no ordinary Brownshirt….This man was a Bona Fide Blackshirt.

[ben ji]

Chapter 5 “A place to Stay”

It was unusually cold that November as SD settled in for what would become the longest winter of his life. It had been a stroke a luck that he even had a roof over his family's head. While walking along a county road 20 miles south of Hasting Nebraska Steve Dave had come across Cow Farmer Jenkins being harassed by 2 young BrownShirts.

Listening from the distance he gathered the Brownshirts were demanding to know where Cow Farmer Jenkins guns were. According to the registry Cow Farmer Jenkins had 2 guns that were unaccounted for. "Well Mister Jenkins, you registered these guns 6 months ago when Infidel Obama mandated it but now you can't find them?!? You know there are "BEAR" rebels all over this County and we need to make sure all the guns stay out of their hands. WHERE ARE THE GUNS COW FARMER JENKINS?!?"

"crap" SD wispered, EmoEmaw had been right, the whole point behind registering guns was to confiscate them. SD secretly wished he had a couple of rounds of 16 gauge shells to take out the BrownShirts but between traveling to Hawaii and Mowing his Lawn he had never gotten around to buying some...That's alright he thought, Obama and Brownback can take COW FARMER JENKINS guns but they can never take these, as he slaps both biceps.

SD slowly made his way forward along the ditch line, by the time the BrownShirts heard the stick crunch it was already too late. SD took both of them out with a single leg sweep before pouncing on them with the ferocity of a Wild Wildcat. 75 kicks/punches to the groin later both BrownShirts were incapacitated and had crap their pants.

Cow Farmer Jenkins looked on in amazement as the flurry of blows came to an end. "My gawd, that was impressive, what's your name young man and where did you learn to do that?"

"The name is Steve Dave sir, and I've been kicking taints since Michael Bishop was QB, It's just a way of life. Speaking of LIFE, do you think I could transfer to your place for the winter?"

Cow Farmer Jenkins thought long and hard about it, sure this man had just saved him from a "Born Again" camp but could he actually be an asset on the Cow Farm Over the winter?

"Well Mr. Dave, I run a large cow farm operation here in Central Nebraska. I don't think I a city slicker like you could be much help. Do you know anything about cow farming"!?!?

A wide smile formed over SD's face.......As they rode away in COW FARMER JENKINS John Deere 9360R SD jr noticed something glittering on the road behind them, if he would of had his Mickey Mouse Binoculars he would of seen his father's AA Double Gold CC/Chase Saphire Reserve and Delta Diamond Hilton Plus Triple Points CC along with 15 other cards laying on the road behind them.

[ben ji]

Chapter 6 “The Long Winter”

As 2016 rolled around things were looking bleak on the Cow Farmer Jenkins homestead. 3 months of continuous blizzards had decimated the cow farm and put it's inhabitants on the verge of starvation. The long days stuck inside gave Steve Dave plenty of time to think, Maybe SonOfDaxJones had been right and global warming isn't real? If LHC Bill Snyder had coached at Alabama or KU how many national titles would he have won? Did John Currie Intentionally run Frank Martin off?

After exhausting all these mental exercises and with 3 more months of winter ahead of them SD and Cow Farmer Jenkins Son Alonzo decided something had to be done.

There had been rumors a Union Pacific Grain Train stuck on the tracks 20 miles east of their location but no one could reach it due to the snow drifts. With no other options and food running low SD and Alonzo decided they would head east to find the infamous grain train.

It took SD and Alonzo 2 days of walking before they found the railroad tracks and continued east, 4 days of strenuous travel later the rumored grain train comes into view......

As they approach the train Alonzo senses something is wrong, slowing their advance he pointed to a single corn husk laying atop the snow. "Someone has been here recently” He said softly “It snowed yesterday but this corn husk is fresh atop the snow" SD froze immediately and realized they had walked into a trap.

The next sound they heard was guns being chambered as 11 soldiers in Blackshirts rose from all around the train. "Quote me John 3:16" a voice from the back said....SD and Alonzo exchanged confused glances, They had spent their entire lives as agnostics and were utterly unprepared for life in Brownbackistan.

"Thats what I thought, your coming with us. It’s time for you to be BORN AGAIN" The voice said. As the blackshirts surrounded SD he caught a glimpse of the man who had spoken. He was old and balding with a crap eating grin. The wheels in his brain turned as he tried to place a name with this voice he had just heard....Finally it hit him like a brickwall.....





"Take them back to lincoln" He said. "We have room for him and 86,999 more"

[ben ji]

Chapter 7 “Game On”

Memorial Stadium in Lincoln NE had once held 87,000 college football fans, today it held 30,000 dissidents including Steve Dave and Alonzo. Despite only arriving 3 days ago they had already got their routine down. Up by 0600 for morning prayer, always sure to face the rising sun in the east, next was a quick breakfast of Corn Kernels soaked in water that never quite filled them up. The remaining hours were a blur of Christian Extremism and Corporal Punishment. Their only respite came between the hours of 3-5 when they were allowed “Free Time”. Most of the dissidents spent this time in additional Bible Study hoping for an early release, SD and Alonzo had other ideas.

For 3 days they had scoured the stadium hoping to find a way out. What they found was a stadium completely sealed off from the outside world, the only way in and out was through a fenced Metal Tunnel that was guarded 24/7 by the vaunted BlackShirts. Late on the third day Alonzo’s face lit up with excitement. “SD, GET OVER HERE NOW, I’ve got an idea”

SD rounded the corner and saw Alonzo holding the door of a supply closet open. Peeking inside the supply closet all SD saw was a Herbie the Husker costume and some old balloons and inflatables “I’d rather have Dobber follow me around all day then put that stupid Husker Costume on” he scoffed. “Think harder” Alonzo Said…”Think balloon boy”.


Later that night they snuck out from their bunks and headed to the supply closet. 2 hours later they had fashioned a crude dirigible out of balloons and an inflatables Herbie Husker. SD and Alonzo climbed on the 6ft tall Herbie Inflatable and cut the supports. A year before Husker Faithful had released thousands of red and white balloons before every game.  Tonight those same balloons would carry SD and Alonzo away from this hell hole and hopefully back to their family.

[ben ji]

Chapter 8 “The Transfer”

Sheriff Osborne silently paced around the lobby, Constable Pearlman would no doubt be furious about the Recent escape from Memorial Stadium. Just 2 weeks ago Premier Brownback promoted Harvey Pearlman to Constable of all Nebraska and the Dakota’s, He must fix this he thought as the door to the Constable’s office opened up.

 
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE GONE?!? Just GONE?! UP AND FLOATED AWAY HUH?!?” Constable Pearlman was livid, in fact Sheriff Osborne couldn’t remember him being this distraught since LHC Bill Snyder ran up the score in 2003.

“IT WAS THAT DAM SOLICH” Pearlman shouted. “I KNEW HE WAS INCAPABLE, but YOU insisted he run the Largest Born Again camp in Nebraska!” The tongue lashing continued for what seem like days.

Finally Sheriff Osborne had the opportunity to speak. “Constable Pearlman, I can fix this, SD and Alonzo can’t be far” He calmly replied. “I have an elite team of BlackShirts I’ve been training for just such a mission. They are waiting for my word to go…but first I have a request. Lawrence Phillips, a transfer from Cal State Pen, I need him back on my team”

Constable Pearlman was flabbergast “WHY? You couldn’t control him last time he was here and now you want him back?!?”

“I need him” Osborne stated firmly “With him nothing will stop us from reaching the Rockies”


Pearlman stewed...Phillips was a major liability and prone to go off the rails and down the stairs...but man, that kid had talent…..“Fine” Pearlman said, “But you are responsible for him”

 “Good, he is already on a plane headed here” Osborne said with a grin reaching across his face. He saluted and began leaving before Pearlman stopped him.

“One more thing Sheriff, Once he lands you keep him the hell away from Lt. Frost”

Sheriff Osborne entered the clubhouse the Blackshirts immediately halted their activities and stood at attention as Osborne began to speak “Christian Peter. Grant Winstrom. Tracey Winstrom. Mike Rucker. Corporal Pelini. Please step forward, I have a special mission for you….But first, lets go pick up an old friend from the airport”

[ben ji]

Chapter 9 "Out of the Sky"

It had been over a month since Wacky and his crew had left the Queens compound along with Winters, Nicname and the rest of the 2015 Fatty fest trivia runner up team. First they headed north to Kearney then redirected East towards SD’s home base of Omaha looking for any sign of where SD had been.

As they passed the only Gas Station in the small town of Brainard NE Dlew noticed a 2015 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited with a busted engine block and a “My other car is a free flight from Churning” Bumper Sticker.

“Check it out you studs” Dlew said as he pointed his tactical light laser (that only people with tactical glasses can see) at the Jeep. “I think we finally found our first sign of SD”

Just then gunshots rang out and they hit the ground. From the distance it sounded like shotguns mixed with the muffled grunts of 2 large fat ugly men sprinting.... As the gunshots grew closer Wacky and his crew noticed something strange in the Air.

Up above SD and Cow Farmers Jenkins son Alonzo were getting worried. The Winds were in their favor and had carried them far away from the Born Again Camp but now that they had been spotted they were sitting ducks for the brownshirts on the ground. As the shotgun pellets burst the Balloons keeping them afloat SD and Alonzo both said prayers to their own gods (Michael Bishop / Rain Clouds)

“WE’RE GOING DOWN” Steve Dave shouted!

[ben ji]

Chapter 10 “The Meetup”

And SD/Alonzo were going down alright, in a field next to the gas station where SD had left his vehicle a couple of months earlier. The dirigible crashed with the force of Mario Smith Sketti Braining that BYU player in the Cotton Bowl, both SD and Alonzo were ejected and knocked out cold.

Wacky and his crew saw what happened and rushed to the scene. Two men in brown shirts and Larry The Cable guy hats were coming out of the woods with shotguns. Without a word being said Wacky, Winters and the 2015 2nd place trivia team went right while 8manpick, dlew and TTHOTUC headed left.

The two groups met in a pincer move just as the brownshirts reached the men who had fallen from the sky. “OOO Boy Claxsen! These are them 2 the Blackshirts are looking fo! You better call up Corporal Pelini and let him know!”

Right as the final digit was being pressed Claxsen found his arm broken in half and moving like a spaghetti noodle as Winters karate chopped him, it was such a forceful blow he crap his pants at the same moment Wacky began kicking his shins with the speed of a woodpecker.

8manpick lunged towards the second brownshirt and made a textbook rugby tackle before letting TTHOTUC finish him off with a stone cold stunner so powerful the Brownshirt shot a log of crap straight down it pant leg and into his steel toed Wal-Mart brand boot.

After slapping hands then waiting for Dlew to call them all Studs Wacky and his crew finally got around to looking at who the people were that fell out of the sky. They were shocked to realize it was Steve Dave and some random cow farmer.

“My family, the farm near Hastings” SD whispered “We need to go to BEARS”. That was the last words he said before he sketti brained out again and was loaded into Wackys vehicle.

Corporal Pelini heard the whole conversation on his Samsung Galaxy 9-4 and alerted the troops. Soon Lawrence Phillips and the blackshirts were heading west towards Hastings NE.

[ben ji]

Chapter 11 “The Warning”

It was 2000 on a Thursday and Dugout Dickstone was anxiously pacing the hallways of his vast underground empire. Typically he would be about a 6 on the booze scale with his Bros but something had happened. Wacky and his crew were supposed to give him a status update on their search for SD at 1900 but they never called. Just then the phone rang.

Dugout Dickstone looked down and was dissapointed to see the K-State Telethon number pop up on his screen instead of Wacky’s. He answered it anyways “LISTEN HERE, I SAID I WANT MY OWN VIDEO BOARDS TWICE THE SIZE OF THE ICE FAMILY VIDEO BOARDS BEFORE I DONATE ANOTHER DOLLAR” He screamed in the phone.

“It's not about that” the voice on the other end said. “This is John Wefald and I have some information I need to share with you. Dont ask me where I got it just listen….” Dugout grunted a response and let Wefald continue ”The only way to save BEARS is to form a scheduling alliance with the COOL KIDS! Play all your OOC games against COOL KIDS teams and the winners of each league play each other! What do you think Dugout!?!? Wouldn't it be great?” Wefald exclaimed with excitement.

“God dammit” Dugout Huffed. “Is that all you called about?”

“Actually no” Wefald said. “Your friends found SD and are heading to Hastings NE now. The Blackshirts are hot on their tail but your IRL buddy Wacky and his crew dont know it”

The phone beeped with an incoming call for Dugout. It was Wacky.

“Appreciate the info Wefald, I’ll let my guys know and maybe one day BEARS and the COOL KIDS can form an alliance but I need to take care of something right now”

Dugout Switched Lines. “Wacky, You’ve got trouble heading your way”

[ben ji]

Chapter 12 “The Escape”

A lone crow kawed on top of Cow Farmer Jenkins Barn as Wacky hung up from the call with Dugout Dickstone. “Everyone in the Vehicles Now!” He shouted. “Just got word the blackshirts are hot on our trail and should be here anytime”

Little did Wacky know that Corporal Pelini and his elite team of hand chosen Blackshirts had been watching them for the past hour plotting their next move. Pelini could tell that everyone was getting ready to abandon Cow Farmer Jenkins Cow Farm but he was waiting to see if Sheriff Osborne wanted him to take any prisoners or wipe them all out.

“This is rough ridin' bullshit” Private Phillips said. “You didn't Transfer me out of Cal State Pen to play tiddly winks in a goddamn corn field”.

Pelini was incensed at the lack of respect Phillips was showing him and unleashed a hurricane of flying spittle mixed in with some rudimentary english in his direction as Phillips revved the engine of his 95 Red Mustang with a GBIGRED tag. 

“Guns up, Lets do this. LLLLEEEERRROOOOYYYY JEENNNKINSSS” He screamed as he took off through the corn field and onto Cow Farmers Jenkins Territory. Corn stalks flew off the side of his vehicle as he closed in on the homestead.

With a sudden jolt Phillips finally exited the corn field and found himself driving straight at Alonzo as he rushed to jump in the last vehicle leaving the farm. Phillips Vroom Vroomed the crap out of his Mustang and clipped Alonzo when he was 10 ft away from the vehicle breaking every single bone in his lower body.

As Phillips swung the car around for another pass Alonzo mustered up all his strength and yelled to SD “Avenge me! AVEEEENNNGGEEE MEEE” THUMP THUMP.

A steely shield of anger and determination fell over SD’s eyes as he watched Phillips and the Mustang finish Alonzo off.

“I will Alonzo, I will” Steve Dave said as they peeled out of the dirt road and headed west towards Highway 74.

[ben ji]

Chapter 13 “Mad Max”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY GOT AWAY” Sheriff Osborne shouted into the phone at Pelini. “It was Phillips? You don't think you can control him? THEN YOU ARE OFFICIALLY RELIEVED OF DUTY CORPORAL PELINI, I AM TAKING FULL COMMAND” Osborne hung up the phone and threw his shirley temple across the room.

He looked at Lt Frost who was cowering in the corner at the mention of Phillips name and said “Get me a chopper, I’ll meet them at the Border and put a stop to all this nonsense.”

Wacky and the rest of the crew thought they had lost the Blackshirts but as reached Imperial NE they saw 5 red Vehicles in their rear view mirror. He looked back at 8manpick and TTHOTUC and said “You boys ever play Road Rash on PS1? Because we are going to need something like that”

Just then the Winstrom Brothers in their Lifted 94 F350 with BLCKSHT tags slammed into the back of Wacky’s car. The next 15 miles were a blur of PEW PEW’N and glass shattering as the two cars traded gunfire. The Winstrom Brothers pulled back and Christian Peters Dodge Ram Heavy Duty with HUSKMAN tags began its attack.

As Christian Peters began chugging beers and throwing the empty bottles at Wacky and SD’s their tires started to blow out. They were only 1 mile from the BEARS border when they screeched to a halt. A Blackhawk Helicopter was sitting in the middle of the road and from it stepped an old man with red Shirley Temple stains on his upper lip. He yelled “ITS TIME FOR YOU ALL TO BE BORN AGAIN!”

Sheriff Osborne had arrived.

[ben ji]

Chapter 13 “Show Down”

With Wacky / SD and the rest of their crew pinned down between Sheriff Osborne and the Blackshirts they needed a miracle. They were only 1 Mile from Bears territory but the challenge ahead of them seemed insurmountable. SD thought back to his 10 years of training at the Sidewinders Dojo….What would Master Boscoe do in this situation?

Just then a vision came to him and Boscoe appeared “Use your enemy’s strength against them” It whispered….”Huh?” SD replied. “UUUUSSSEEE THEIRRRR STRENGTH AGAINST THEM” Boscoe bellowed.

“Cut the crap Boscoe, just tell me how to win” SD Pleaded

As the vision of Boscoe disappeared it was replaced with a parachute as a single box dropped a bunch of steroids and hypodermic needles right next to them. Right as everyone finished shooting up their double doses of butt juice the Winstrom Brothers launched a full fledged attack.

SD and Wacky knew what had to be done. “I’ll take the old man” SD said. “You take the 2 roided out freaks coming at us from behind.

As SD broke into a sprint towards Sheriff Osborne Wacky engaged in what can only be described as Jason Bourne hand to hand fighting mixed with the Matrix. For every Punch a Winstrom Brother threw Wacky found that he could land 6 to 9 of his own with his new found strength. Within minutes both the Winstrom boys and Christian Peters had crap their pants and pleaded for mercy while admitting they had forgotten to take their butt juice today.

Sheriff Osborne would not be such an easy out. If the Winstrom boys were BeBop and Rocksteady then Sheriff Osborne would be Shredder.

“I see its just us now Steven David” The Sheriff chuckled. The next thing SD knew he was being pelted with a flurry of peppermint candy as Sheriff Osborne landed a swift kick to his upper thigh. SD reacted just in time to block a thrusting punch thrown at his rib cage. He could now feel the JUICE circulating in his veins and began his attack.

One. Two. Three. FOUR Swift Roundhouse kicks were successfully dodged by Sheriff Osborne before SD finally landed a powerful uppercut to the Sheriff’s Clavicle. This was followed up by 14 straight punches to the dome causing the Sheriff to stumbled back towards his chopper. Dazed and confused the Sheriff had no chance to stop the devastating FLYING CRANE that was headed right towards his abdomen and promptly fell to the ground and crap his pants.

Sheriff Osborne was down for the count.

[ben ji]

Chapter 14 “Exit”

SD kicked the broken crap stained octogenarian body of Sheriff Osborne aside and walked back to the car to high five Wacky and his crew. Everyone quickly exchanged stories about how bulging their biceps felt on the juice and how it was now so obvious why Nebraska Football won 3 Nattys in the 1990’s before other programs started instituting mandatory steroid programs.

SD took the IPAD that SDjr had been watching this entire time (thus shielding him from the horror that had been unleashed on the western nebraska landscape) and put him on his shoulders as they walked the final mile out of Brownbackistan and into BEARS.

When they reached the State line a black stretch H2 Hummer Limousine pulled up and Pete stuck his head out. “You boys need a lift?” He shouted.

As everyone piled in Pete told them about a magical place they needed to see. It was a long drive from the Brownbackistan / BEARS border and deep into BEARS country but he promised it would be worth it.

[ben ji]

Chapter 15 “Home”

It was 5pm and the sun was setting over the far ridge of the valley when they finally reached their destination. As they descended into Asava’s Valley a frail old man with white hair stepped in their path. “Youngsters, Good Evening. I heard of what you accomplished. Against the Sheriff Osborne. His men fought well but you fought well too. More proud of you, I could not be”

Steve Dave’s face turned as white as the rich kid KU bball team manager who is roommates with a 5 star Freshman “Is...Is that you Grand Master Of The Wildcats...LHC Bill Snyder?”

“Indeed it is” LHCBS Said. “Now show to the lodge I will and then…. cookies...With me you must come”

As they entered the heart of the valley they saw MichiganCat in the park playing a game of pickup basketball with Curtis Kelley and Jacob Pullen. In the field to the right MIR had organized a football camp and had Jonathan Beasley playing 500 with all the kids of the valley. At the Picnic Tables KSU_FAN,  _33 and Chunkles were holding a contentious debate about whether Advanced Statistics or Great K-State gifs/memes could get more likes on twitter...Chunkles was adamant that Political Memes were the wave of the future. Dobber spotted SD from across the park and started following him.

When they got closer to the main lodge they smelled something delicious. LHCBS informed them that EmoEmaw had finally got his elk and Alexander Supertramp was cooking up a storm. They entered the lodge to what could only be described as a carnival atmosphere.

Two long tables created a pathway straight to the front of the room where Steve Dave could see Dugout Dickstone and Asava engaged in what appeared to be a price negotiation for the pallet of Coors Light next to them. People milled around the Tables and off to the side oscar Weber was manning the cotton candy machine. He seemed a little over his head due to the long line forming so he called Shane Southwell over to help.

When Dugout Dickstone spotted Steve Dave and his crew making their way across the room he threw up his hands in excitement and bellowed across the room. 

“WELCOME TO BEARS, DRINKS ARE ON ME”

[MakeItRain]

If this is a political story Iowa belongs in Lakes Antonio.

[Brock Landers]

Oh my God.  This is magnificent.

[ben ji]

If this is a political story Iowa belongs in Lakes Antonio.

https://goEMAW.com/forum/index.php?topic=35629.msg1396698#msg1396698

[slackcat]

DNR but good effort. 

[420seriouscat69]

 

[8manpick]

You beautiful bastard Ben ji

[_33]

Haha, this is fantastic.    This book would make a great movie.  Or like a Band of Brothers style miniseries. 

[meow meow]

pretty great, not barge gas great, but pretty great