Author Topic: The Divorce Thread  (Read 12929 times)

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Offline Panjandrum

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #50 on: July 31, 2014, 10:11:50 AM »
The first year with a kid can be hard.  My wife and I were in the worst spot of our marriage about 9-12 months after my first was born.  I don't think it was ever really super serious, and we worked through it pretty quickly, but things took a pretty sharp downturn fast.

There were a lot of contributing factors, and some of them were out of our control.  However, we really worked on those that were in our control and got things back on track a few months later.  The biggest thing was me really cutting the work travel back so I could spend more time with her and my oldest son.

I don't think the kid is the cause of the issues.  The child is simply an amplifier for things that you don't agree on.  If you aren't on the same page financially, politically, religiously, etc. it can cause a huge issue because it always goes back to, "Is that how you want to raise our child?" 

In all honesty, and I hate saying this (but we say it to each other), but my wife's cancer played a huge part in getting us to our current point, which is the strongest we've ever been.  Going through something like that, with young kids, and not a lot of close family and friends living near you forces you to rely on each other.  We spent the better part of a year team-working everything.  She even said a few months ago that she never really could have known how much I loved her until I supported her through that whole thing.

Aside from my kids, my wife is my favorite person in the world.  I adore the crap out of her. 


Offline j-dub

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #51 on: July 31, 2014, 10:13:02 AM »
The first year with a kid can be hard.  My wife and I were in the worst spot of our marriage about 9-12 months after my first was born.  I don't think it was ever really super serious, and we worked through it pretty quickly, but things took a pretty sharp downturn fast.

There were a lot of contributing factors, and some of them were out of our control.  However, we really worked on those that were in our control and got things back on track a few months later.  The biggest thing was me really cutting the work travel back so I could spend more time with her and my oldest son.

I don't think the kid is the cause of the issues.  The child is simply an amplifier for things that you don't agree on.  If you aren't on the same page financially, politically, religiously, etc. it can cause a huge issue because it always goes back to, "Is that how you want to raise our child?" 

In all honesty, and I hate saying this (but we say it to each other), but my wife's cancer played a huge part in getting us to our current point, which is the strongest we've ever been.  Going through something like that, with young kids, and not a lot of close family and friends living near you forces you to rely on each other.  We spent the better part of a year team-working everything.  She even said a few months ago that she never really could have known how much I loved her until I supported her through that whole thing.

Aside from my kids, my wife is my favorite person in the world.  I adore the crap out of her.

you're awesome pan.
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Offline Panjandrum

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #52 on: July 31, 2014, 10:14:36 AM »
you're awesome pan.

Nope.  I just lucked into meeting an awesome girl 12 years ago and hung on for dear life.

Offline Mrs. Gooch

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #53 on: July 31, 2014, 10:15:18 AM »
Hey fellow CatFans, happily married WonderMeal here.

In the past few months, several dads I have known with relatively newborn kids (<18 months) have filed for divorce. And in each instance, the mom and kids have moved back in with their parents. I mean, who does that, right? Are people really that bad at picking a spouse that they have to get divorced less than a year (or less than 2 months!) after having a kid?

What I'm saying is that this is a ComboFanning thread to talk about divorce. Yours, your friend's, your parents'...whatever.

Go 'Cats.

Just another reason not to have kids.

Offline WackyCat08

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #54 on: July 31, 2014, 10:17:47 AM »
Sometimes kids can help save a marriage while they're isolated and living in the middle of nowhere with their first job out of college.  :peek: I call it the Thanksgiving miracle. My dad still thanks me to this day for it. They needed a 3rd party to tell them what each was doing to create the mess.

Offline Matt Mckee

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #55 on: July 31, 2014, 10:18:55 AM »
Got married when I was 23.  I don't know if I was too young as much as it was that we went too fast.  We dated about 4 months before she moved in and we got married about 6 months later. Divorced 2 years later. We had some problems before we got married but foolishly we thought they would resolve themselves if we were married. No kids, thankfully.  We probably would have tried harder to make it work if there had been kids.

Offline The Tonya Harding of Twitter Users Creep

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #56 on: July 31, 2014, 10:20:18 AM »
did you guys know that if your parents get divorced you get 2 christmases? i mean holy crap. talk about hitting the jackpot.
I think what my friend Mitch is trying to say is that true love is blind.

Offline j rake

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #57 on: July 31, 2014, 10:24:18 AM »
OT but imagine a J Rake engagement/marriage/family thread and all the "what do I do in this situation!?" lols.

had to speak at a wedding a few years ago for a friend of mine. was told afterward: "it's a toast, not a roast."

definitely should have asked here first.

Offline Panjandrum

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #58 on: July 31, 2014, 10:26:16 AM »
OT but imagine a J Rake engagement/marriage/family thread and all the "what do I do in this situation!?" lols.

had to speak at a wedding a few years ago for a friend of mine. was told afterward: "it's a toast, not a roast."

definitely should have asked here first.

People take weddings too seriously.

It was probably hilarious, and most folks in the audience probably enjoyed it.

Offline j rake

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #59 on: July 31, 2014, 10:27:02 AM »
How do you determine which assets belong to who, though? Seems like losing half of your assets is the only fair way to do it.

fight for it. winner takes all.

don't like it, don't get divorced.


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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #60 on: July 31, 2014, 10:41:04 AM »
cohabitation is pretty neat guys.
When one person, for whatever reason, has a chance to lead an exceptional life, he has no right to keep it to himself.

Offline Emo EMAW

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #61 on: July 31, 2014, 10:43:01 AM »
True love is hard to find, guys.

Not really sure that's the right recipe anyway.  Lot of Indians I know seem to be pretty darn happy with their arranged marriages.

Swing and a miss.  First base coach gives you the "wtf are you doing" stare.

Offline WackyCat08

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #62 on: July 31, 2014, 10:47:38 AM »
Divorce scares me. Mainly cause i've never seen it through my initial family. Like all the way through to my grandparents. I've dated ppl who've experienced it a lot and that has always made me nervous for some reason. Like, from what they've seen, they might think that's a viable option down the road if stuff hits the fan. I also know how naive that thought process is, cause it could work totally opposite of that, those experiences might make them want to never experience that themselves. 

Offline Panjandrum

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #63 on: July 31, 2014, 10:52:56 AM »
True love is hard to find, guys.

Not really sure that's the right recipe anyway.  Lot of Indians I know seem to be pretty darn happy with their arranged marriages.

Swing and a miss.  First base coach gives you the "wtf are you doing" stare.

1) Pete is absolutely right

2) If you make a decision that you want a partner, you need to look at compatibility as your primary driver.  And compatibility is a pretty subjective term.  However, in my limited experience, my wife and I couldn't be more different across the board.  However, we have both acknowledged the following things:

* We are absolutely on the same page regarding religion (both not religious)
* Both on the same page politically...for the most part
* Both on the same page financially
* We are each other's physical "type"
* We share a very similar sense of humor

Aside from those five things, we are polar opposites.  But those core things contribute to compatibility.  If people get married for "love", they're almost destined to fail.  Marriage is partially about love.  A lot of people still love each other after they're divorced.  They just can't live together.

Offline Ghost of Stan Parrish

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #64 on: July 31, 2014, 10:53:10 AM »
Safest thing I think is not to get married before age 30.  That's when you really know who you're going to be, IMHO.

I got married at 25 and was married for 5 years.  I'm still friendly with my ex, but there we no kids.  With kids in the picture, it gets so much harder.  Oddly, when I got divorced New York (where I live) was the only state in the U.S. that did not allow no-fault divorce.  You either had to have cause (abuse, etc.) or wait a year after signing a separation agreement.  I actually think waiting a year with the separation agreement in place is a good thing, although now NO state requires it and every state allows no-fault divorce.  I think it SHOULD be hard to get a divorce.

Sometimes, though, divorce is the right thing for the couple: my mom had a bad (short) first marriage and then married my dad.  They've been together happily for decades.  But my older bro, who was born during my mom's first marriage, was a bit messed up by it.  He'll never get married.  It IS hard on kids, and that really is something else you need to think about before a divorce.

Bottom line, I guess: don't rush into marriage.  Take it real DAMN serious.

On a related note, it's a terrible idea to date a recently-divorced person.  I've been that guy, and then later I dated a girl in that position.  Folks coming out of divorces aren't always in their right minds.

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #65 on: July 31, 2014, 10:56:01 AM »
good advice gosp

Offline Emo EMAW

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #66 on: July 31, 2014, 11:00:16 AM »
True love is hard to find, guys.

Not really sure that's the right recipe anyway.  Lot of Indians I know seem to be pretty darn happy with their arranged marriages.

Swing and a miss.  First base coach gives you the "wtf are you doing" stare.

1) Pete is absolutely right

2) If you make a decision that you want a partner, you need to look at compatibility as your primary driver.  And compatibility is a pretty subjective term.  However, in my limited experience, my wife and I couldn't be more different across the board.  However, we have both acknowledged the following things:

* We are absolutely on the same page regarding religion (both not religious)
* Both on the same page politically...for the most part
* Both on the same page financially
* We are each other's physical "type"
* We share a very similar sense of humor

Aside from those five things, we are polar opposites.  But those core things contribute to compatibility.  If people get married for "love", they're almost destined to fail.  Marriage is partially about love.  A lot of people still love each other after they're divorced.  They just can't live together.

Guys I was just quoting my good buddy Mitch.


Offline michigancat

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #67 on: July 31, 2014, 11:02:45 AM »
Everyone's upbringing has an effect on how they act as adults.

Hey, slow down there, chief...

It seems like a simple thing, but people always dismiss upbringing as a factor in how people live their lives (as evidenced in this thread). No, a mumped up childhood isn't an "excuse" for not being good with relationships as an adult, but it's a factor that definitely makes it harder for some people.

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #68 on: July 31, 2014, 11:34:11 AM »
Everyone's upbringing has an effect on how they act as adults.

Hey, slow down there, chief...

It seems like a simple thing, but people always dismiss upbringing as a factor in how people live their lives (as evidenced in this thread). No, a mumped up childhood isn't an "excuse" for not being good with relationships as an adult, but it's a factor that definitely makes it harder for some people.

Take it to the Say Something Noncontroversial thread.

Offline deputy dawg

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #69 on: July 31, 2014, 12:13:53 PM »
Men are always, regardless of actual circumstances, regarded as the bad person in a divorce. 

Offline CNS

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #70 on: July 31, 2014, 12:22:54 PM »
Getting married before 30 seems to be getting a bad rep.  I imagine a bunch of 50yr olds would tell you that you don't know who you are until you are in your late 40's. 
If you are good friends with your partner, know them well, and are willing to grow and evolve as a partnership, age doesn't matter at all.

Divorce is not always just the product of someone being a shitty husband/wife, but often of someone being a shitty friend.   

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #71 on: July 31, 2014, 12:31:38 PM »
I got married at 24. so far so good.

Offline Stevesie60

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #72 on: July 31, 2014, 12:35:31 PM »
My experience has been that you know when you know. I think if you have this plan to date this long, be engaged this long, live together this long, etc. then you're just going to follow that plan with someone no matter if it feels right. But when you meet someone and you think "I need to marry this girl (or guy) ASAP, the timeline I had in mind is stupid" then you're in the money.

Offline Kat Kid

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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #73 on: July 31, 2014, 12:36:33 PM »
I got married at 22 and it has been a good life choice.  I didn't marry some loser like some others apparently though so that probably made a difference.

Who got divorced WM?  MHS alums?
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Re: The Divorce Thread
« Reply #74 on: July 31, 2014, 12:45:34 PM »
so gosp has been married before? man you learn something new every day on here. her loss, obviously.