OFFICIAL REASONS YOU ARE A PIECE OF crap:
1. You're fat
2. You can't eat Cheetos without getting cheese dust all over your keyboard
3. You have an imaginary waifu which makes no sense because you masturbate to Yaoi
4. The healthiest food in your mom's Apt. is Lucky Charms expect you don't eat whole grain oats, you just pick out the marshmallows individually
5. You smell like hotpockets and acne
6. you keep holding up raids on WoW to manually reset the Halo soundtrack on iTunes because you're too Fake Sugar Dick (WARNING, NOT THE REAL SUGAR DICK!) to set albums to repeat
7. You are upset with the American government because they refuse to acknowledge "irritable temperament in exposure to sunlight" as a welfare qualifying ailment, so you write angry messages on the return notices of government pensions sent to you for being too fat to work
8. Every time you attempt to wipe your ass, your fingers just break through the toilet paper because you're fat and uncoordinated, so feces ends up accumulating under your fingernails and ultimately in and around the area of your keyboard, and mixes with cheeto dust creating an otherwise harmful cheese-poop gas (or liquid depending on the humidity of the room from your heavy breathing), which you have built up a tolerance to thanks in combination from your efforts to break the record for most without even attempting something which could be construed as hygienic
