FADE IN:
INT. VANIER FOOTBALL COMPLEX, HEAD COACH'S OFFICE DAY
Legendary head football coach WILLIAM SNYDER sits at his desk. A stack of papers hundreds of sheets tall sits in front of him. A close-up shot reveals that each sheet contains the diagram of a football play. We see LHFCBS complete another diagram, sign it, title it "23 SKIDOO OPTION WHIZ-BANG RIGHT," and toss it to the top of the pile. He gets another clean sheet and contemplates his next diagram.
LHFCBS (to himself)
Let's see...Michigan is much better at defending the run than the pass...so they'll expect
us to pass. And we'll play along by starting Waters, but SURPRISE, let's only have him run!
They'll never see it coming!
Suddenly, DEL and DANA burst into the office, red-faced and shouting over each other, waving sheets of paper wildly in the air. Furious at this intrusion, LHFCBS's hand moves toward a lever marked "TRAP DOOR TO SHARK TANK," but he pauses before pulling it.
LHFCBS (to himself)
I suppose, technically, feeding these idiots to the sharks could be considered "firing" an assistant, tho.
He pulls his hand away from the lever.
LHFCBS
WHAT IS IT?
DANA
Bill, the All Big 12 teams are out, and you're not gonna believe it...
DEL
[unintelligible]
DANA
[To Del]: SHUT UP! [To LHFCBS]: They've named Sams honorable mention
All Big 12, and Jake is nowhere to be found!
DEL
[unintelligible]
DANA
[To Del]: SHUT UP! [To LHFCBS]: It's embarrassing, Bill! It's b*llsh*t! It
was probably those a-holes Briles and Gundy!
LHFCBS [calmly]
It's fine.
DANA [continues]
THEY weren't in practice with us! THEY didn't see what we saw! It's stupid!
I hate them, Bill!
LHFCBS [calmly]
No, Dana. It's okay. You've got your facts right, but you've drawn the wrong conclusion.
DEL
[unintelligible]
DANA kicks DEL, who curls up in a little ball and starts whimpering.
DANA
What do you mean?
LHFCBS
Dana, it's clear what's going on here. The other coaches in the
league recognize what we've got in Jake. They're scared of it.
And they're going to try every trick in the book to get us to play
Sams instead of Jake. But we're not going to fall for it, are we, Dana?
DANA [confused]
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
LHFCBS walks over to DANA, stepping over DEL in the process. He puts his arm around DANA.
LHFCBS
It's okay, Dana. I've got it under control. I know exactly how to respond.
Now why don't you and Del go back to your office and work on that nice
jigsaw puzzle that I gave you for your birthday?
DANA
Okay, boss.
DANA smiles, reassured, and walks to the door, with DEL scampering after him. After they leave, LHFCBS ponders things for a moment, then strides to his desk and punches a button on his phone.
FEMALE VOICE [from phone]
Yes, sir?
LHFCBS
Joan, take this note: "Jake Waters starting quarterback for 2014."
FEMALE VOICE
Yes sir.
LHFCBS ends the call, sits in his chair, leans back, and smiles.
LHFCBS
Nice try, Big 12. Nice try. Never gonna outsmart ol' Uncle Billy, tho.
FADE OUT
FIN
