i liked kirk schulz's letter better...
oscar Weber & coaching staff,
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough rough ridin' ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this coaching staff, we have been rough ridin' UP in terms of recruiting good players and keeping those that were left behind. I've been getting texts on texts from alumni who are LITERALLY so rough ridin' PISSED and so rough ridin' BESIDE THEMSELVES. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But gee Kirk, I've been having so much fun sharing conference championships and getting knocked out of the NCAA Tournament's first round!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to rough ridin' find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying eff, and our fan base does not give a flying eff, about how much you rough ridin' love to run off your players. You have six rough ridin' shitty players, including Will Spradling, that you could run off, and instead you run off Angel, who is NOT, I rough ridin' repeat NOT ONE OF THEM that should be ran off. This season is about keeping the program relevant, and that's not rough ridin' possible if you're going to run off our best rough ridin' player. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FANS DON'T LIKE SUCKY TEAMS. Oh wait, DOUBLE rough ridin' NEWSFLASH: NOBODY IS GOING TO COME TO OUR GAMES IF WE DON'T HAVE GOOD PLAYERS AND IF WE rough ridin' SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ARE GOING TO rough ridin' SUCK!
This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about recruiting two and three stars. Are you coaches Fake Sugar Dick (WARNING, NOT THE REAL SUGAR DICK!)? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't coach anymore. If Angel said, "Yeah I'm gonna transfer to South Carolina", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE eff WOULD YOU LET HIM GO?? AND A MONTH AFTER THE SEASON?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be letting this happen, I don't give a eff if he promised you he'd stay, if his brother promised you he'd stay, or if his entire family promised you he'd stay. YOU DON'T LET HIM GO. YOU. DON'T. LET. HIM. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do rough ridin' NOT run off other players along with him.
"But Kirk!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been coaching this team to split fake ass regular season championships, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID rough ridin' ASS HATS, IT rough ridin' DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW rough ridin' WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN rough ridin' UP IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT. I've not only gotten texts about coaches being rough ridin' WEIRD to recruits (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's basketball?" is not rough ridin' funny), but I've gotten texts about coaches actually cheering for our recruits to play terrible. To. Play. Terrible. ARE YOU rough ridin' STUPID?!! I don't give a crap about the reason, YOU ROOT FOR OUR GODDAMN RECRUITS TO SUCCEED AND NOT TO FAIL. HAVE YOU NEVER RECRUITED BEFORE? ARE YOU rough ridin' BLIND? Or are you just so rough ridin' dense about what it means to bring in talent that you think being a negative douche is going to help bring us better players? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE rough ridin' LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR rough ridin' RECRUITS. I will rough ridin' $!#* punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a eff if you tweet me, I WILL rough ridin' ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird crap that does weird crap during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT COACH HERE ANYMORE.
I'm not rough ridin' kidding. Don't coach. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS PROGRAM AND UNIVERSITY. I would rather have five coaches that are fun, talk to recruits, and not rough ridin' awkward than 10 that are rough ridin' awful at their jobs. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to recruits I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't rough ridin' coach anymore unless you're going to stop being a goddamn black hole for our program. Seriously. I swear to rough ridin' God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at the next player visit, I will fire you even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a eff. Go eff yourself.
Kirk (Go Cats!)