Weberball: an Illinois post-mortem

[rob mccolley]

To all you right-on motherfuckers at Emaw,

I'm delighted to find an online forum where the "global moderator" is responsible for generating profane threads. Hear, hear!

Please ignore the following copy/paste hatchet job if you already saw it at Scout
Thank you for allowing me to join your conversation. I'm a fan of Manhattan, and enjoyed playing a couple of acoustic gigs at Radina's back when I was a traveling musician.

For the last four years I've covered Illini basketball for Champaign-Urbana's alt-culture magazine, and also its public radio station. Between the two outlets, I've reported serious (if bland) straight news and outrageous (if accurate) gay news.

On the bright side, I remember writing the phrase "oscar Weber is a genius until further notice," so I Googled it, and found that I'd written it three times.

Thus, here's the good news:

http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/the_butterfly/
http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/playing_like_girls/
http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/iowa_beats_illinois/


The bad news is more extensive.  My publisher would be happy to have you add unique hits to all the bad news, and I certainly encourage you to do so.

But for now, I'll trumpet only  piece. This was the day I recognized that three years of mediocre basketball was not the worst of our troubles. This was when I recognized we had A Serious Problem.

http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/illini_players_are_ruining_it_for_coach_weber/

To pile on, I share the viral post-Purdue meltdown/press conference that garnered so much attention this February. And  Weber's farewell speech, from three weeks ago.

[ChiComCat]

Thank you for joining/sharing

[Saulbadguy]

his voice is just so terrible.

[Kat Kid]

That Purdue presser was weird.

[naturalselection]

http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/illini_players_are_ruining_it_for_coach_weber/

That's a parody piece right?  Is that an Onion spin off site?   

[IlliniTillIDie]

That Purdue presser was weird.

I thought for sure that presser would make him radioactive to any AD.  But apparantly only to those that dont have their heads stuck ip their asses like yours does.

[rob mccolley]

No, it's just a weird college town website. If you happen to be passing through, and want to know what bands are playing, or where to eat -- it's your go to web destination.

http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/illini_players_are_ruining_it_for_coach_weber/

That's a parody piece right?  Is that an Onion spin off site?   

[naturalselection]

No, it's just a weird college town website. If you happen to be passing through, and want to know what bands are playing, or where to eat -- it's your go to web destination.

But the quotes, those are legit?

 

[rob mccolley]

Yes.

[Dr Rick Daris]

thanks to rob for posting this. it's a sad, sad day for us here but i feel like we've made a friend in illini. when things get really bad (and they will) can we call on you guys for support?

[rob mccolley]

Sorry, Rick. If the therapy works, the trauma may be completely removed from our memories.

[Kat Kid]

Sorry, Rick. If the therapy works, the trauma may be completely removed from our memories.

Will you remember the name of the therapist? I'm thinking we may be needing professional assistance too.

[michigancat]

http://www.smilepolitely.com/sports/illini_players_are_ruining_it_for_coach_weber/

This was really enjoyable:

DIAGRAMMING oscar WEBER

If this Illini team had someone in a position of authority, someone who could parcel out playing time more effectively, someone who could draw up plays, and direct individuals to take shots, then oscar Weber would be happy.

But who?

We learned in 2006 that Weber himself is willing to give directions, almost throughout an entire game. The Illini Radio Network audience particularly noticed, because Weber stands within five feet of Ed Bond's microphones.

When asked, Weber explained the reason you never heard him in 2005. That team didn't need any instruction. They knew what to do.

oscar Weber points at somebody, and yells something.

So what's he yelling?

Well, in order to understand Weber's linguistics, it's important to determine how each word or sound operates as language.

I'm a second-rate grammarian. I don't really understand some of the finer points of syntax and linguistic modalities. But my mother was an English professor, and I got a B in 8th grade grammar. So I'll give it a shot.

"Move!" and "motion!" are typical Weber admonitions. "Screeeeeen!" comes up frequently. These are all simple imperatives. Everyone should understand the general idea behind these commands, whether (like the players) they aren't sure how to apply them.

No big deal, so far.

But often Weber just yells a player's name. This ululation can be especially confusing to the guys on the floor, because the one word implies either of two grammatical moods.

Let's have a look.

For this exercise, I'll use the example of Weber's loudest, most common ululation: "Tisdale!"

In some cases Tisdale means "you (four guys) get the ball to Tisdale, who is open." The mood structure is second person plural imperative. Tisdale is the indirect object.

Tisdale can also be the subject in third person present indicative without changing the purpose of the exclamation. It means simply "Tisdale is open," but merely as an observation rather than a command to take action in response to Tisdale's openness.

With me so far? I hope so. That's the easy part.

The hard part is when Tisdale is the subject. This situation occurs when Tisdale means "pay attention Tisdale, there is something you are not seeing!"

In this wise, the mood structure is second person singular imperative. Tisdale becomes the subject, but — as you've no doubt already spotted — there's a subordinating subject lurking in the second clause. (It's really two distinct sentences, see.)

At this point, Mike must determine the identity of that second subject: What is it that Tisdale does not see?

The answer might be a screen he's not setting. It could be a cut he's not making. It might be a pass he's failing to bounce.

The options may seem overwhelming. But the first step is to determine that Tisdale is an imperative ejaculation, and not merely observational.

(We stipulate here that Weber believes his team recognizes Tisdale by sight, and knows when Mike's on the floor. Therefore we must infer that Tisdale means something more than "look, it's your old friend Mike Tisdale.")

It's at this fleeting moment that Tisdale — or whichever player hears his name reverberating in the rafters — faces an existential crisis: I know who I am. I know I am playing basketball. Now I must determine the way in which I am playing basketball incorrectly.

Only it's too late, because the other team now has the ball and is closing in on a lay-up at the other end.

To his credit, Weber rarely employs the subjunctive mood. That's good, because no one ever really grasps the subjunctive.

[ben ji]

As the media waited and waited for oscar Weber's postmortem, I asked one of the newspaper guys "do you need a winning record to play in the CBI?"

"No," he immediately answered. "The sad thing is I've already researched that."