1. john wooden - dude is an ad for gravity
2. Andy Rooney - Only God and his doctor truly know what Andy Rooney’s blood pressure is, but years and years of wild bloviations and tasteless ranting have left this nearly ninety year old man looking like a cross between Blue from Old School and Brooks from The Shawshank Redemption, not the best of signs considering both those characters died.
3. Peter Falk - Currently battling old people’s kryptonite, as I call it, TV’s Columbo has an evidence locker full of ailments and problems, probably set on by living life for eighty-one years (not opium). I got a chance to meet Falk once, and he seemed like a hell of a nice guy. Unfortunately, you can’t kill death with kindness. Besides, you didn’t expect him to be able to read you stories every night for the rest of your life, did you, Fred Savage?
4. Artie Lange - There are two types of fat guys in Hollywood: Chris Farley on his first season of Saturday Night Live and Chris Farley in Almost Heroes, John Candy in Blues Brothers and John Candy in Wagons East, Fatty Arbuckle before the rape scandal and Fatty Arbuckle after the rape scandal. Artie Lange has been batting above his Dirty Work days for years. Add the extra pounds with recent reports he’s stopped seeing a drug counselor and missed some work on The Howard Stern Show, and things don’t look peachy for the man who mused in a recent stand-up special on how much money he could have gotten in Vegas for outliving Heath Ledger.
5. Chuck Berry - Predating the Beatles rise to stardom, Chuck Berry founded Rock N Roll and ended up in jail three times. He’s outlived Elvis, Bo Diddley, and nearly everyone of his rivals, but like Beethoven, he’ll roll over soon enough.
