FAKE SPC!

[michigancat]

http://www.tigerboard.com/boards/missouri-tigers.php?message=3991654

For fans and well wishers of the mega-mundane Missouri Tiger football program, I have some ill news to impart unto you. I do not think the game will go well for you and that KSU will indeed be able to add another victory to the countless consecutive win streak we have accumulated against MU. It came to me in a dream last night as I fell asleep on my special ordered purple and silver davenport after a late night of watching Cinemax.

As I drifted, I was visited by the dream ghost of former head football coach Bill Snyder riding a brilliant white pegasus. After receiving a brief and yet inspirational lecture on the ills of a high fat diet, arm tackling, and Okies, we sang a chorus of Eat Em' Up and I was permitted to ask Coach Snyder about what he thought about the upcoming game. He invited me on a quest to see just what would transpire. I naturally accepted, having great admiration for this legendary great football mastermind and leader.

It was the most pleasant trip to Columbia I had ever partaken because dream travel is practically instantaneous. For once I did not have to deal with the sight of Missouri children trying to sell Ozark "Mystery pies" at roadside stands for smokes money. Not dealing with Missouri's many left lane squatters on the interstate was also a pleasantry worth noting.

Upon arriving at Faurot Field, I recognized the usual appauling behavior of Missouri fans I have witnessed before. There was catcalls and whistles at KSU's many lovely female marching band members making the visit, unpardonable interuptions of top shelf KSU football discussions at various Wildcat tailgate gatherings to interject their shoddy opinions, and their unibrowed cheerleaders gave several thumbs down to KSU fans playing the wabash cannonball. Then, they had the audacity to fail to chear for the KSU team entering the field in spite of the number of world class athletes they were getting to see. I mentioned to Coach Snyder that this was a gruesome and upsetting sight, but he assured me it would get better.

And get better it most certainly did! Figurs took the opening kickoff back for touchdown. Missouri's bland generic QB threw an interception on the next drive which Brandon Archer returned for a touchdown. The rest of the game preceeded in a likewise fashion. It was glorious to see Coach Prince on the sideline laughing as everything he called work for great yardage gains. On the Missouri side, there was surpisingly no Pinkel but Evan Stone was coaching and he was very upset. Ghost Coach Snyder and I exchanged high fives and the Missouri crowd shuffled out at the end of the third quarter in a very dejected manner as KSU was winning 56-0. Several Missouri fans were crying in a most unmanly fashion and I was embarrassedfor you.

Afterwards, I ditched Coach Snyder and went dancing with a few precious KSU maidens, but that is not your concern.

Anyhow, these visions are fairly accurate. I don't recall the final score, but I would say we would probably hold back a bit in the fourth quarter so as not to embarrass Coach Stone or your players. I say 77-0 seems about right. Thanks Coach Snyder and EMAW!

[Dan Rydell]

For once I did not have to deal with the sight of Missouri children trying to sell Ozark "Mystery pies" at roadside stands for smokes money. Not dealing with Missouri's many left lane squatters on the interstate was also a pleasantry worth noting.

 

His genius is wasted on the Tiggers.

[Kat Kid]

People, his greatness is unparalleled.  However, this is only a hint at his greatness.

The cult-classic "Branson" post was by far the finest Big XII sports message board post of all time.  It is the Declaration of Independence of Big XII message board posts.  He is Shakespeare in a different time and place.

His "Branson" post used different featured acts in Branson as metaphors to highlight the differences between KSU and MU.  MU were the hobb-knobbers (hill-billy family comedian troupe) and KSU was the Starlight Theatre (if I remember correctly).

I think I have it printed off somewhere, but if anyone has that PLEASE POST IT FOR EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD!!  I have to re-read its perfection.  I feel as though its virtues must be sung by angels throughout Big XII messsage board land!  It is an important historical document for pete's sake!

PLMK ASAP!

[Dan Rydell]

Not the one KK requested, but...

I do believe that many of you Baylor fans are well informed about how bad your team is; however, I do not feel that you are giving the appropriate amount of reverent awe to KSU and the elite program we will be fielding (edited to avoid confusion) this weekend. In an effort to correct this situation, then, I have decided to use an analogy to assist you in acquiring a firmer grasp on the hopelessness of your situation. I often use analogies and find that they are quite capable in this purpose, but it is important that I utilize an analogy subject which is important for the audience. For Baylor, I think it best to use Bible figures because you many of you have turned to strong religious beliefs in order to cope with social rejection.

KSU reminds one of King David. King David came from humble beginnings and little was expected of him. Yet he had great courage and the heart of a Wildcat and overcame great opponents to become an elite warrior himself. As the media, opposing teams, and officials have great jealousy of KSU and are quick to try and spite us with unfair comments, critiques, and calls, so to did David have to deal with jealous foes such as Saul who saught evil menas with which to undermine the hero. King David was a wise and great leader who made many important lectures to kids on the importance of avoiding alcohol and drugs just like Bill Snyder! Finally, from David came many wonderful things such as Joseph, the human father of Jesus. Can we thus assume that from KSU wonderful fortunes will also come forth such as multiple national titles? To argue otherwise would be foolish!

Conversely, Baylor football conjures up the New Testament figure of Legion. Legion was a group of demons who caused man a great deal of discomfort. Instead of making people run around naked and have seizures, though, Baylor is responsible for things like precipitating many disapproving head shakes for the distasteful incompetence they soil the game with each outing. Legion cried for mercy from others when confronted by a superior force in the same way that Coach Steele and Baylor cry a lot and ask for hugs in an awkward ritual of pre-game submission. Finally, Legion was cast out into swine rather than dispatched to the abyss. This reminds me of the current situation for Baylor. Yes, the Bears are in the pathetic pig-like role of perpetual conference doormatt where they are constantly overmatched and have to suffer many insults, playful finger pokes, and wedgies. However, at least you are fortunate to be allowed to remain in the big 12 rather than hurled into the college football abyss where you would no longer enjoy the television money won by the efforts of KSU and the national attention we demand. You also get to see outstanding football teams like the Wildcats even though your field, poor attendance, and bad marching band are unworthy for such a privledge because of poorly thought out conference rules mandating such. What a terrible fate!

EMAW!

[Dan Rydell]

More...

Raider fan, I do not hang around after any game for with the closing of the contest begins a new mission with a new team. I know Tech fans like to linger. For example, they linger around nudie magazine racks at the local convenience store trying to manipulte the plastic covers for a free look thus delaying my purchase time. They don't linger around Lubgorek (sp?), though. They get that two year degree program in bookkeeping or flowbee technology and split for a town blessed with such things as vegetation, traffic lights, and human dignity.

Baylor fan, I am no jayhawkee who engages in forbiden man love. KSU men are noted for voracious heterosexuality along with handsome appearances, charming conversational skills, cosmic intelligence, poignant reflections, tender diplomacy, and the brute strength of an alpha Yeti. Fantastic!

[Dan Rydell]

Even more...

Folks, you are going to be playing an elite KSU program for the first time in two years this weekend and yet I cannot help but notice there is very little excitement about it. Of course you have already resigned yourself to a large margin defeat and I commend you for your astute football knowledge in doing so, but you should still be excited for KSU puts on quite a show.

KSU has world class athletes at every position and are orchestrated masterfully under the mastermind caoching and leadership of the legendary Bill Snyder. You will get to enjoy all-American players like Newman and Pierce who will completely dominate your offense with superior speed, strength and skill and then fluster your females with sly winks in between plays. On offense, you will have a hard time deciding who you want to have the ball for KSU because it's equally fun to watch Sproles with his daring cutting ability and Roberson with his turbo speed and cannon arm. Add to the skills of the team the cool space age uniforms and classy fan base and KSU brings the full package. You'll have to wait till next year to get the KSU marching band involved with their powerful talents, though.

Truly, a KSU football game is high quality entertainment and you humble folks get the chance to partake in it, so I demand that you show a little more enthusiasm. I think that as you reflect on what I've said, you will likely get the Wildcat spirit and stop discussing frivolous matters as who's captaining your doomed voyage on a football ship incapable of success in the modern era given poor resources, no tradition, and a less impressive fan base than a rec league softball team made up of shoe salesmen, vagrants, and meter maids might have. Indeed, I would suspect some of you might want to wear a little purple to the game in order to live vicariously through our success and I would encourage you to do so unless you are out of shape, unattractive, dumb, or in any other way like a Missouran.

[Dan Rydell]

And to cap it off...

robby, I do not intend to take any Waco land for it strikes my eye in a most unkind manner. If you have some acceptable ladies, though, I shall be pleased to claim them in the name of KSU until such time as I grow weary of them. I understand that dancing is new to your peopel, so I wonder if they will be able to keep up with my robot-square dance hybrid which I call the Powercat Promenade. I am hopeful for the Texas Tech girls were quite skilled dancers, albeit with the aid of a pole or a lap and I hope it is a regional attribute rather than localized to Libtuck (sp?).

Greg, that is subjective character assassination. KSU has more individual academic award winners than any other public university and has produced a championship solar car. Baylor still promotes flat earth schematics and considers math heresy.

His ongoing gag feigning ignorance of the spelling of Lubbock is great stuff.  Granted, this is only message board stuff, but the relative complexity and sophistication of his humor in a medium not generally known for its subtleties is something of note.

[michigancat]

thx, slimz.  Great stuff.

[Kat Kid]

And to cap it off...

robby, I do not intend to take any Waco land for it strikes my eye in a most unkind manner. If you have some acceptable ladies, though, I shall be pleased to claim them in the name of KSU until such time as I grow weary of them. I understand that dancing is new to your peopel, so I wonder if they will be able to keep up with my robot-square dance hybrid which I call the Powercat Promenade. I am hopeful for the Texas Tech girls were quite skilled dancers, albeit with the aid of a pole or a lap and I hope it is a regional attribute rather than localized to Libtuck (sp?).

Greg, that is subjective character assassination. KSU has more individual academic award winners than any other public university and has produced a championship solar car. Baylor still promotes flat earth schematics and considers math heresy.

His ongoing gag feigning ignorance of the spelling of Lubbock is great stuff.  Granted, this is only message board stuff, but the relative complexity and sophistication of his humor in a medium not generally known for its subtleties is something of note.

champion debate team, solar car champs!

He is a nebraska fan (or so the rumor goes) though so he isn't quite "God."