Ok d00ds, I know all of our EMAW levels are perilously low right now. And I know I said I was gonna report to you these things days ago. Mad apologies. I would have replied with these updates sooner but I have been too busy doing ice luges and drinking beer gun shots from slutty cajun girls for the last 4 days. Amazing time. But if it's not too late, I present to you:
SKINNY BENNY'S BELATED 
REVIEW FROM THE FAMILY REUNION, INTENDED BOTH TO INFORM EMAWERS AND FUTURE RECRUITS ALIKE ABOUT THE PERKS OF BEING A KHAZZukHATT, AS WELL AS ALERT THE BIG XII TEAMS THAT THE FOOTBALL TERRORISM THREAT WARNINGS WILL BE AT A VERY DANGEROUS LEVEL PURPLE IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE.The day I was to fly in started out with me waking up with a boner. <---Not unusual by any means...but definitely chubbier than normal because I knew I'd be flying with the elite and hobnobbing with four and five-stars all day. Had my lady drop me off at the Scat 'N' Splooge airport, which I thought was cozy.....until I went to my gate and saw this douche ganoosh in an OU hat. Infiltrating MY airports? Homie don't play that. This guy was the stereotypical redneck Sooners fan, right down to the weird, lumpy cancerous jaw ravaged by years of giving Bevo blowjobs while slurping on Skoal. It kind of reminded me of that old guy who used to work at Kreem Cup (R.I.P.) who was rocking that wicked lumpy chin. So obviously I walked by the Ruff Nek redneck male beauty queen who was boarding my flight and gave him the old "*cough cough 35 to 7 cough*. He pretended not to notice, because he was probably too busy counting his chickens before they hatched as he planned his victory party for the next day (too bad his team was blindsided by a bunch of white Mormons. Losers.). So there was animosity between me and him before we even boarded our tiny plane to DFW. Fine with me, I didn't wanna be friends with him anyway. Cancer jaw or no, f*ck him.
Flight from Scat 'N' Splooge was boring. Read SkyMall and contemplated various get rich quick schemes so I can afford to buy a gigantic hot dog gun launcher thing.
Plane touches down in DFW in the incomparable terminal B.
First I kick the Sooner douche in the face and wish him bad luck against BYU (don't frack with my coaches, you'll pay years later), then I deboard the plane and enter the terminal. I walk around and marvel/barf/am aroused by all the big, fake, Texas boobs hanging from ladies who also exhibited big, birds nestey, Texas hair. These white ladies are going to be primo eye candy for 17 year olds looking for someone to slam in an airport janitor's closet while they wait to fly to the Little Apple. And then, I walk to the video board and
then I lay me eyes on this. Absolutely fantastic. I scanned the departures board for a flight to Lawrence, but didn't see one. What gives?
The gate is absolutely crawling with EMAW. Purple people everywhere, even some people I kinda knew but didn't know well enough to approach. I go to the Subway right next to our gate
and order a nine, nine, nine dollar footlong. Finally, the moment arrives. We are now boarding.
"WOW."
This plane is SO FREAKING BIG," I thought,
".....that I'm gonna have to take TWO pictures of it to get it all in."
I walk in and realize that we'll be winning MNCs routinely in no time with this kind of quick and easy access to Manhattan. Because not only are the seats all ridiculously plush and comfortable, but the stewardess is a hot and busty Asian named, creatively, Asia. She makes us laugh the whole way with her witticisms and adorable accent. Goddamn, you half-Japanese girls, do it to recruits ev-er-y time.
So plush, these seats.
We're flying and laughing and EMAWing, and in the moment we all look out the window and see
this breathtaking beauty.I tell you, it was so refreshing to know that our recruits will get to float over this blanket of clouds a lot of the time instead of seeing Hickville underneath as they fly over flyover country on their way to the breathtaking Flint Hills. But I digress. So we touched down in Manhattan Friday night, made a quick and easy exit through lovely MHK Regional Airport
and I made my 'arents drive me straight to Chipotle.
Then two days later, I did it all over again, only this time in reverse, and wouldn't you know, it was just as elite. Wow, man. Wow. Easy access, plush planes, beautiful scenery, no driving to Hickville like those lowly uk 'cruits will have to do, AND all the ladies have giant cans to boot?
Yowza, man..............All in all?
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Sucks to be uk.
