Unfortunately, it seems that Lawrence's tragic combination of exceptionally poor showering/hand-washing habits and high concentrations of farm animals and genetically inferior humans has led to an
outbreak of the so-called swine flu, which I propose we call "Jayhawk Fever" henceforth. Medicine men rushed in from Medicine Lodge believe that the spread may have been hastened by the record-high frequency of poser-to-poser interactions thought to have occurred during the first week of classes. There are 284 suspected cases and counting, but ku leaders sheepishly admit that the "record-breaking" exponential growth may be tapering off and that ku may soon be mediocre at Jayhawk Fever too.
Lawrence leads the charge, but Jayhawk Fever is exploding in
other backwater locales - Tennessee, Louisiana, Alabama, and Georgia - as well. At times like this, we need to remember that, though we may initially feel deeply disgusted, it's OK to reach down across the socioeconomic/hygienic chasm separating us from our less-fortunate brethren/sistren in flyover country to extend our heartfelt sympathies and share our best-known practices for hand washing, showering, and other forms of modern hygiene (by phone, text message, or e-mail - not in person, of course). Lawrence charities are accepting a variety of donations including antibacterial soap, moist towelettes, saddle soap and red, white, and blue pleather chaps to support the effort to "round up" wandering livestock, and Mountain Dew, a staple of the local diet thought to ward off 'bad vibes.'
Stay healthy, friends.
Sincerely,
Leyton
