of this infamous message board God, then allow me to sing the praises of the one known as "fake" SuperPurpleCat.
This was posted on a Nebraska board in June. By far his most famous exploits were those that were posted on TigerBoard some time ago comparing the University of Missouri to the Hob-Knobbers of Branson. Just read below and then multiply the pure comic genius by a factor of approx. 100 and cream thyself.
Greetings dour and simple Husker fans!
As it is the off-season, the void begs for obscure yet intellectual topics. I am proud to hearken upon my KSU strength and education to provide such a topic to your board. A list of the best Big 12 team mascots.
1. KSU Wildcats. Most knowledgeable experts agree that the Wildcat is just about the perfect mascot for any superior university with an out of sight athletic program. Superb! The Wildcat is composed of two elements, the base of which is the cat. The cat is worshipped in many cultures like Egypt, China, and Delaware because of it's heavenly grace, hellish strength, heightened intelligence, and home spun hospitality. The second element would be the "wild" part which appropriately implies danger and ferociousness. This makes the already impressive cat figure and exponentially elevates its cool factor. This is a very good fit with KSU because nestled in the Flint Hills is a great college which is also exponentially cool as are its students, alumni, and football program. EMAW!
2. MU Tigers. Tiger fans are not known for books smarts or style which are abhorred in their Branson hillbilly culture, but they managed to hit the target, albeit no bull’s-eye, with their choice of the Tiger which is also a member of the feared and awe inspiring non-domesticated feline family. A tiger has stripes much like many MU athletes wear when they graduate to the state penitentiary. This makes it a good fit. Tigers are also regularly associated with circuses which translates well to MU with their numerous clowns, bearded ladies, and unhealthy food items. If the Tiger had a beer gut and was missing some teeth, it would probably be a better fit, but it is still good enough for #2.
3. Baylor Bears. A bear is almost like a cat in that is an animal, but a big difference is that it is more lumbering and obese which would be in line with the image Baylor folk invoke in others. Most bear popular icons, such as Yogi or Smokey, are oafish in nature with high handed lectures that no one wants to hear, much like Baptists and Baylor is a Baptist school. Good fit! Some Bears can dance, but Baylor frowns on that. FYI - As a KSU grad, I have a lot of elegance and panache that leads to solid dancing skills.
4. CU Buffaloes. In American nostalgia, the Buffalo is a well known mountain country brute hunted from great numbers to near extinction. This harkens to how mastermind coach Bill Snyder single handedly decimated the Colorado football program from a national title winner to one close to packing it in. A buffalo also does not shower and likes all natural stuff just like a CU coed. A Buffalo doesn't have sharp teeth and sword-like claws like a cat or bear, so it doesn't invoke fear like the prior selections and thus the downgrade.
5. UT Longhorns. As a mascot, the longhorn does not inspire great fear with the exception of their heavyset frame and ridiculous horn. The purpose of this creature is to be eaten and adorn car seats and one Arthur Fonzerelli. I fail to see how this excites my Texas friends as a symbol of their school. As a people, though, they are given to a notion of cattle ranching culture with its 12-gallon hats, bolo ties, chaps, heavy pornography use, and square dancing.
6. OSU Cowboys. What is worse than a cow is the relic that is fixated upon them, which is what your modern cowboy would be. A Cowboy is often seen as a solitary figure alone at work on the prairie. This is not far from true for the Okie Light whose poor hygiene, sheer ugliness, poor conversational skills exemplified by their lack of an inside voice, and unibrows preclude them from a life of social interaction. The divergence is that an Okie Light degree seldom leads to employment. Cowboys only inspire fear when traveling in packs and riled up by beer-induced arguments over Nascar or watering hole skanks.
7. ISU Cyclones. Many Iowans live in terror of a cyclone, or tornado as it is more often called, coming out of the afternoon sky as if by magic to level their mobile housing because God is angry at them for their bad football, incest, bland facial expressions, and gambling casinos. They feel that naming their program after the cyclone will appease the angry deity. Yet a tornado is short lived and leaves a big mess in its wake much like your typical ISU student with their methamphetamine addiction.
8. Texas A&M Aggies. A testament to their agricultural and mechanical school roots as well as their lack of inspiration and originality in choosing anything else. This generic mascot allows our funny talking southern friends to use any of a number of lame cartoonish creations to represent themselves. One week it might be Lassie, a well trained show dog, and the next it could be a cartoon of a WWII soldier with some big jaw disease. To be fair, it would be hard to find any one thing that could capture the all male, pimply faced, buzz cutted, tobbacco chawing, impending domestic abuse case that is the Aggie spirit. Maybe a high school sophomore on steroids?
9. Texas Tech Red Raiders. No one knows why Texas Tech calls themselves the Red Raiders for no one has willingly traveled to the dirt fields of Lubbock, Texas to find out. Unfortunately for the graduate of this lawn mower repair, air conditioning installation, and simple CAD training school, their Zoro hero is dreaded by no one and actually welcomed by those of more perverse fetishes.
10. Having "Kansas" in their name should have been good enough for the misguided Kansans not awesome enough to matriculate in Manhattan, but these melon heads had to go and foul it up by coming up with the almost anti-Wildcat symbol of a cartoon bird. Not even a ferocious predator bird that might eat a small dog left unprotected. Not even a nuisance local bird who shats upon freshly washed automobiles. No, they went with a grinning cartoon symbolic of how they can sit back and be clowns with driven KSU men and women running the state. Note that this chicken even wears shoes, but not athletic ones representing some of the vigor and dexterity natural to any native Kansan. They are comic prop clown shoes. They might as well be high heels. Shame on you Jayhawks!
11. OU Sooners. This is a historical figure of a devious thief and cheater stealing land from innocents and right-minded citizens who were better served living to the north. These Sooners were despicable characters to be reviled and not celebrated. It is a fitting representation of the modern OU fan, though. A few local Okie punks in my very own neighborhood often abscond with my garden gnomes personally detailed in Metallic purple paint and ferocious power cat decals, guaranteed to intimidate any squirrel, rabbit, or gopher. Of course these have greater value than any Okie land. Outstanding!
12. Nebraska Cornhuskers. Nebraskans are apparently still very proud of their farming roots, but this is hardly an imposing mascot. The Cornhusker might be able to make people run away in dread, but only because they are covered in livestock manure and extending a hand for a federal subsidy. Sitting in an expensive air-conditioned tractor all day makes them equipped with a flabby paunch the envy of one Mark Mangino. Thankfully, efficient corporate farming has made this rustic rube as obsolete as the Snyder to Prince connection has made the NU program. Perhaps it is time for NU to update its image to the scrawny kid detasseling in the summer to save up to buy that precious '87 Ford Probe that will really impress Saturday night at the Tastey-Freeze? At least they break a sweat!
I'm anxious to hear your accolades. Go Wildcats!
