Quote Your Favorite Mitch Hedberg Lines Here/New CD

[SkinnyBenny]

In honor of the posthumous CD Comedy Central is about to release:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/04/arts/music/04hedb.html?_r=1&ei=5070&emc=eta1&oref=slogin

...we must now quote Mitch.


I'll start.

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

[cireksu]

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be &@#%ed up all the time.

[jmlynch1]

There are six ducks out there and they all want Sunchips.

Sure if you want to spray your shirt...with DOCUMENTS!!!

[SkinnyBenny]

You don't get to just give the punchline.  You have to give the setup too, loser.  It's no wonder I carried the Bone Zone.

[SkinnyBenny]

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.

[jmlynch1]

You don't get to just give the punchline.  You have to give the setup too, loser.  It's no wonder I carried the Bone Zone.

I started typing the whole joke and realized it was not going to translate well. Now people can make up their own set up and convince themselves they are funny, just as you have.

[SkinnyBenny]

 

[Saulbadguy]

A burrito is like a sleeping bag for ground beef.
A waffle is like a pancake with little syrup traps.

[da govna]

i used to drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to do 'em too!

[Oklahoma_Cat]

"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan &@#%ing lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' crap."

[SnackPackz]

Great read in Stat 350. Right now we're learning how to find the average of 3 numbers! 

[PCR]

Sandwiches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jWGugxlO_c

[mikeycat]

His best work was when he died.

[Bookcat]

"Foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs."

[QuinnMac]

Great read in Stat 350. Right now we're learning how to find the average of 3 numbers! 

I hate that class, surprised so many people still show up. <----Not a Hedberg quote.

Escalators can never be broken. If they are broken they should just put up a sign that says. "Escalator broken, temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

[SkinnyBenny]

His best work was when he died.

I hope you go to hell and get &@#%ed by the same thorny-cocked god that &@#%ed the Sept. 11 hijackers according to the Onion.

[Bookcat]

I wish I could play little league now...I'd kick some ass. Who's a backup now.



I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.



My friend asked me if i wanted a frozen banana..and I said no but I wanted a regular banana later...so ....yeah.

[Bookcat]

probably the best heckler handling I've ever seen.

completely shames the guy. I mean embarrasses the &@#% out of the guy imho.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1LKVPSpIDA&feature=related