Corporate Quandries: Farting at work

[Kat Kid]

This will be the first in a summer series on embarrassing workplace humiliations/scenarios.

So, you like fart at work.  What do you do?  It stinks, some people probably heard it, and you are the only guy in the area.

What's your move?  What are your experiences?

Mine?  I farted something awful, but I had my headphones on because I was doing transcriptions.  There was a lot of crosstalk/chatting so most of the sound was probably not heard, but the smell must've reached.  Just tried to completely play it off, but realized when I got up that the fart had got sucked in to my chair and now my work area stunk.

WTF?  Suggestions?

[pissclams]

'member that scene from dumb and dumber? in the mountains, on the moped?  just go man, just let it go...

the workplace is all about freedoms not found in other arenas in life, freedom to fart (and enjoy) [pref an sbd] is one of those freedoms.

 

[FelixRex]

You have to be pre-emptive on this scenario, b/c the damage control is so tricky. Maybe tell everyone you have colon cancer?

In the future, I'd suggest crop dusting.

[steve dave]

Imed. laugh and say "who was that!?" like you just heard someone fart.  Then, when the smell will prob. have reached everyone go "EWWWW!" and hold your nose.  Preferably you will be looking at the same person during your whole charade so the group will think they did it while you are still not actually singling them out as the one.

[FelixRex]

Are there dogs and/or foreigners in your office? I've had good luck pinning odor/hygiene related issues on both pets and gypsies (in a pinch, Armenians are also make a pretty believable scapegoat).

Just be like "Whoa, Punjab the Programmer, maybe you should lay off the garlic goat at lunch!"

[PCR]

Fortunately I have a door on my office and nobody ever comes in here, but I run into this scenario a lot when shopping at the grocery store/ best buy whatever.  You rip one when nobody is around and then some poor tard comes rolling around the corner and gets a face full.  Do you exit the area as quickly as possible or just go on pretending it was someone else (it's obvious that nobody else could have made such a horrible smell in such a short period of time.)  I say fart and depart!

[Kat Kid]

It is usually a scenario where I am in a cubicle and everyone else is right around the corner in a congregation area.  So I am the odd man out because clearly if someone farted right next to all the action it would be noticed quickly.  Also, people come over to ask me for stuff etc.  Then the stink is in their face.  Should I leave as soon as I fart and go get a drink/go to the bathroom?  Otherwise it is 100% me.  If I leave, like 90% if anyone comes in the cube, but I won't be there.  They will probably spread the word though.  Thoughts?

[FelixRex]

Crop dusting is the obvious solution here.

[pwrcat1]

just man up and claim it.  be funny, make a joke out of it.  if no one laughs, deny 'til you die.

[FBWillie]

I've actually come up with a running joke that will make these awkward situations more tolerable...  It's easier if majority of your office is male; or crude females. 

Whenever someone walks by the door of my office I say: "Hey, come here a second...    Can I ask you something?   Why is it that everytime I fart, someone walks in here."   regardless of if I just farted or not, It gets a smirk with a roll of the eyes and they quickly leave.   When I have realy bad gas, I use this joke frequently and people stay away.   

Another thing I've used, and this can be tough to talk your way out of if you get caught... but use the stinky chair to your advantage...   whenever a co-worker leaves their desk un-attended, I go fart in it so that when they come back and sit down, all that ass matter trapped in the foam padding of the chair is re-released while you're miles away.  Warning... this does not work on leather chairs.

[cireksu]

am i the only one that can tell how stinky one will be before it comes out?  If I know one is coming  I make sure I'm in my chair for a long time or take a walk somewhere.

[I_have_purplewood]

I use the Ron Prince "Bold and Daring" approach.  I will blame the nearest "chick" knowing that she will almost always vehementally deny it, get all red in the face, and call you an a-hole.  People are then forced to think to themselves, "Geeze, maybe she did really do it because no one would get that pissed.."  It's tough to pull off and depends on the men to "chick" ratio in your work environment.  It's also not guaranteed to work and you must have a ton of gut and resolve to try.

"chick" = women or gay dude

[Kat Kid]

Yeah.  The problem is I am the only dude in my office.

[FelixRex]

Do you sit close to any fat chicks? Then you can just take credit when it happens, but later tell everybody else that you just confessed b/c you didn't want fat Agnes to be embarrassed.

[Brock Landers]

Crop dusting is my preferred method of avoiding blame.  The only problem with crop dusting is sometimes the fart will get trapped in my khakis and will end up settling at my cube anyway.

There are too many females in my group to actually enjoy the sound and aroma of a vicious fart.  All dude office = fart contests.