As you all may know, there is a basketball game tonight between two teams of sorts. Unfortunately, the media hasn't covered a very important angle in this game due to coastal bias. I am talking about CSR (consumption sustenance rating).
With KSU having a rating of 58 CSR to USC's 79, one would think it would be over for the Wildcats. This is not so. Since the game occurs in Omaha (some indians called this the midwest at one point) one's CSR is affected by a region's barometric pressure (and other factors mostly involving quantum mechanics). The coasts have lower pressure zones, so USC's CSR is bound to drop anywhere from 20, dare I say it, 30 points thus giving KSU an advantage. HOWEVER, they can increase that even more by consuming 5 bacon sandwiches.
That's right. Bacon sandwiches. Why?
You see, in the midwest bacon is tempered differently than it is in SoCal (due to a CA restriction that requires 100% of bacon be 80% not meat and 20% meat via region code 809). Not only is bacon 100% bacon here, the pigs are actually raped by other pigs, increasing the flavor, and one's CSR. This is a special midwestern masterstroke.
But you say, "so why doesn't USC just eat 5 bacon sandwiches?". Ho ho I say. Their stomachs cannot properly digest the pure goodness due to a lack of smoking (which is banned in CA).
So there you have it, KSU beats USC by 6 points due to a 15 point CSR advantage.