... the Ivy League. Pretty obvious actually but don't take
my word for it.Universities that succeed in the competition for research faculty and superior students invest a large portion of their financial base in attracting and without enhancing academics, retaining these superior faculty and students, and activities like intercollegiate then invest even more in the athletics inhibit the acquisition of acquisition of research grants, academic quality. contracts, special student programs, and other quality-enhancing elements. We believe that the data presented in our previous reports demonstrate that the amount of discretionary university dollars invested in faculty, student, and research competition is the critical element in successful competition for quality.
It is likely, then, that university activities like intercollegiate athletics, which consume discretionary dollars without enhancing the university’s academic competitive success, will inhibit the acquisition of quality.
For you sportards and other various and sundry mongoloids who are unable to process other than monosyllabic drivel chanted at ear-splitting volume in athletic venues I'll make it clear: the quickest route out of a BCS conference is the surest path the excellence for both KSU and the state of Kansas.
Consider:
Silicon Valley? So 20th Century. KSU's College of Engineering will become the epicenter of the NanoPrarie, an epic concentration of subterranean advances so minute you'll be able to drive right through campus and not see a thing, even with a microscope. Crumbling and decaying infrastructure? Fear not friends, that's merely an escaped experiment whose forthcoming royalties will push the Manhattan-area GDP just beyond that of Germany.
The Supreme Court? Harvard and Yale alumni will grouse about this mysterious "KSU JD" that has become the de facto the gold standard of achievement, a prerequisite for holding the highest posts in the land, but which has simultaneously remained so stealthy that Skull & Bones will envy KSU's ability to create an atmosphere in which no one is quite certain that the credential even exists. Friends, the corridors of power will tremble quietly at even the most oblique reference to our fine university; present inhabitants of same wondering fearfully which of their colleagues might be of us.
A happy artifact of KSU's inevitable new status will be a flood of trust fund kiddies no longer content to leverage their family's power and status into positions at more staid and traditional universities. Strange and alien creatures though they will be it is likely they'll be genetically compatible with Kansas residents thus the university will launch an intensive and extensive intermarriage and cross-breeding program to trap ..., err "secure", hereditary capital to fuel the enormous advances just around the corner as Poyntz and Dennison ascend to the status of Wall and Sand Hill Road. Only the vague smell of the vast quantities of money flowing just beyond your field of vision will give the game away. Breathe deep friends, that's the smell of success!
For my part, I shall lead the poli sci department in its forthcoming effort to produce an army of drones who will burst forth from the Little Apple to infest and infect government at all levels, remaking same in KSU's image. Smith! Marx! Reagan! Hitler! AzCat! Our destiny awaits friends!
There's so much more friends, so very much more. In a few short generations it's likely that this extraordinary intermingling of power, knowledge, capital and ability will create a rift in the human genetic spectrum as KSU alums begin to evolve into something above and apart from the lesser strains of "humanity". But as this happens friends remember to pat our formerly fellow human beings on the head once in a while in precisely the way you'd water your houseplants as that's roughly what they'll be to us. Of course there are whispers that deep in the bowels of Throckmorton rouge plant scientists, sending KSU's imminent ascendency, have already developed houseplants roughly twice as intelligent as Barack Obama; granted that's an extraordinarily low bar but vast improvements await merely a short step away from a BCS conference.
So rejoice friends as KSU slips the surly bonds of Earth and assumes its rightful place as the preeminent entity in this arm of the Milky Way. Sure the Rigellians are likely to quibble for a short time but they're not even the brightest star in the sky now are they? All of this and more awaits as soon as KSU turns away from the fool's gold of college athletics. Leave that for lesser institutions like Texas, Stanford and Michigan as they compete on that lesser field because they're unable to compete on ours.
Or it might just suck ass when KSU formally assumes mid-major status as the athletic department assumes room temperature.
