Author Topic: Breaking up the United States  (Read 40337 times)

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Offline CNS

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #150 on: July 20, 2015, 08:11:07 PM »
in Brownbackastan that would look like a local.  Once you got to Bears, that would attract the bears, so maybe have a cow ditching plan for the boarder.

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Offline Rage Against the McKee

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #151 on: July 20, 2015, 08:15:52 PM »
Cows are only good for eating. You would either need a horse or oxen and a wagon. Only a 4Her would try to ride a cow.

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #152 on: July 20, 2015, 08:50:13 PM »
Sneak peak into chapter 3 "Somewhere outside Lincoln" of the soon to be NYT Best Seller "Brownbackistan Breakout"

Steve Dave continued west on highway 92, thinking it best to avoid I-80 and the BrownShirts who may be manning the roadblocks. It was 6am before he realized he only had 1/8th a tank left and decided he had to risk a stop at the next town to refuel. Twenty miles later he pulled into the only gas station in Brainard NE.

Scoping out the parking lot he saw that the only other vehicle in the lot was a 1987 Ford Bronco with a "HUSKGER" tag and a Larry the Cable guy bumper sticker. Pulling up to the gas pump he got out and inserted his Hilton Honors reward card...nothing happened. He tried his AA super double bonus points card next but still, nothing happened. As he reached for his Marriott Premium Diamond Club card the lone worker, barely over 16 and wearing wrangler jeans and a cutoff BrownShirt walked up.

"Cxuse me sir, My name is Jaxson, you having trouble here" Steve Dave explained that something must be wrong with the pumps as none of his cards were working and he needs to get to "BEARS" asap.

Jaxson slowly backed up and reached for the side arm holstered on his hip. "Hold it right ther sir. Did ya ya not hear that Premier Brownback says that anyone trying to get to "BEARS" is a terrorist?! Ima need you to stay right here until Constable Pearlman or Sheriff Osborne can get here."

Jaxson neverously eyed the man in front of him, little did he know that Steve Dave had trained for 10 years at the Sidewinder DoJo with his best buds Limestone and Rick Daris. Years of training had made Steve Dave the most feared fighter at the annual Ernie Barrett Statue Throwdowns. The second Jaxson turned his head there was a loud SMACK as a flying roundhouse kick sent him into the engine block of SD's 2015 Jeep Grand Cherokee limited.

Before Jaxson could catch his breath he was pummled by fists and feet flying faster than Tom Cruise in Top Gun. 30 seconds later Jaxson was a crumpled heap of a boy with crap stained pants. 

SD decided he needed to leave, sooner or later Constable Pearlman and Sheriff Osborne would show up while making their rounds. He jumped in his vehicle and turned the key....nothing happened. His violent disposing of Jaxson had cracked the engine block. To reach the promised land of "BEARS" he would have to make it on foot.

He roused the wife and SD jr, still wearing his Eric Hosmer Jersey, and started walking west.

Offline 0.42

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #153 on: July 20, 2015, 09:08:45 PM »
 :runaway:

Offline 8manpick

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #154 on: July 20, 2015, 09:20:07 PM »
Shows true commitment to a high moral character that sd didn't take the HUSKGER Bronc'
:adios:

Offline Kat Kid

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #155 on: July 20, 2015, 09:21:38 PM »
holy crap

Offline steve dave

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #156 on: July 20, 2015, 09:38:27 PM »
I enjoy the protagonist

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #157 on: July 20, 2015, 10:18:38 PM »
OMG, Someone just leaked part of Chapeter 5 "A Place To Stay" from the soon to be NYT Bestseller "Brownbackistan Breakout"

It was unusually cold that November as SD settled in for what would become the longest winter of his life. It had been a stroke a luck that he even had a roof over his family's head. While walking along a county road 20 miles south of Hasting Nebraska Steve Dave had come across Cow Farmer Jenkins being harassed by 2 young BrownShirts.

Listening from the distance he gathered the Brownshirts were demanding to know where Cow Farmer Jenkins guns were, according to the registry Cow Farmer Jenkins had 2 guns that were unaccounted for. "Well Mister Jenkins, you registered these guns 6 months ago when Infidel Obama mandated it but now you can't find them?!? You know there are "BEAR" rebels all over this county and we need to make sure all the guns stay out of their hands. WHERE ARE THE GUNS COW FARMER JENKINS?!?"

"crap" SD wispered, EmoEmaw had been right, the whole point behind registering guns was to confiscate them. SD secretly wished he had a couple of rounds of 16 gauge shells to take out the BrownShirts but between traveling to Hawaii and Mowing his Lawn he had never gotten around to buying some...That's alright he thought, Obama and Brownback can take COW FARMER JENKINS guns but they can never take these, as he slaps both biceps.

SD slowly made his way forward along the ditch line, by the time the BrownShirts heard the stick crunch it was already too late. SD took both of them out with a single leg sweep before pouncing on them with the ferocity of a Wild Wildcat. 75 kicks/punches to the groin later both BrownShirts were incapacitated and had crap their pants.

Cow Farmer Jenkins looked on in amazment as the flurry of blows came to an end. "My gawd, that was impressive, whats your name young man and where did you learn to do that?"

"The name is Steve Dave sir, and I've been kicking taints since Micheal Bishop was QB, Its just a way of life. Speaking of LIFE, do you think I could transfer to your place for the winter?"

Cow Farmer Jenkins thought long and hard about it, sure this man had just saved him from a "Born Again" camp but could he actually be an asset on the Cow Farm Over the winter?

"Well Mr. Dave, I run a large cow farm operation here in Central Nebraska. I don't think I could keep a city slicker could be much help. Do you know anything about cow farming"!?!?

A wide smile formed over SD's face.......As they rode away in COW FARMER JENKINS John Deere 9360R SD jr noticed something glittering on the road behind them, if he would of had his Mickey Mouse Binoculars he would of seen his fathers AA Double Gold CC/Chase Saphire Delta CC along with 15 other cards laying on the road behind them.

« Last Edit: July 20, 2015, 10:22:31 PM by ben ji »

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #158 on: July 20, 2015, 10:26:56 PM »
the tension  :love:
Hyperbolic partisan duplicitous hypocrite

Offline hjfklmor

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #159 on: July 20, 2015, 10:27:40 PM »
:love: :love: :love: :love:

Offline CNS

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #160 on: July 20, 2015, 10:34:44 PM »
Jump forward 66 days....

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Offline Tobias

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #161 on: July 20, 2015, 10:35:47 PM »
will this be homoerotic enough to revive bread? :users:

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #162 on: July 20, 2015, 11:03:03 PM »
My cousin in laws best friends brother is a big time publisher in NY and just sent me this excerpt from Chapter 7 "The Long Winter" from "Brownbackistan Breakout"

As 2016 rolled around things were looking bleak on the Cow Farmer Jenkins homestead. 3 months of continuous blizzards had decimated the cow farm and put it's inhabitants on the verge of starvation. The long days stuck inside gave Steve Dave plenty of time to think, Maybe SonOfDaxJones had been right and global warming wasn't real? If LHC Bill Snyder had coached at Alabama or KU how many national titles would he have won? Did John Currie Intentionally run Frank Martin off?

After exhausting all these mental exercises and with 3 more months of winter ahead of them SD and Cow Farmer Jenkins Son Alonzo decided something had to be done.

There had been rumors a Union Pacific Grain Train stuck on the tracks 20 miles east of their location but no one could reach it due to the snow drifts. With no other options SD and Alonzo decided they would head east to find the infamous grain train.

After finding the tracks at the end of the second day SD and Alonzo continue east, 4 days of strenous travel later the rumored grain train comes into view......

As they approach the train Alonzo senses something is wrong, slowing their advance he points to a single corn husk laying atop the snow. "Someone has been here recently, it snowed 2 days ago but this corn husk looks fresh atop the snow" SD immediately realized they had walked into a trap but it was too late.

The next sound they heard was guns being chambered as 11 soldiers in Blackshirts rose from all around the train. "Quote me John 3:16" a voice from the back said....SD and Alonzo exchanged confused glances, They had spent their entire lives as agnostics and were utterly unprepared for life in Brownbackistan.

"Thats what I thought, your coming with us now, time for you to be BORN AGAIN" The voice said. As the blackshirts surrounded SD he caught a glimpse of the man who had spoken. He was old and balding with a crap eating grin. The wheels in his brain turned as he tried to place a name with this voice he had just heard....Finally it hit him like a brickwall.....



"Take them back to lincoln" He said. "We have room for him and 86,999 more"

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #163 on: July 20, 2015, 11:21:31 PM »
crap, how's he going to get out of this one?
Hyperbolic partisan duplicitous hypocrite

Offline 0.42

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #164 on: July 21, 2015, 01:22:06 AM »
Lighting a candle and playing this for the safe return of steve dave

http://digg.com/video/airmazing-grace-horn

Offline Mrs. Gooch

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #165 on: July 21, 2015, 08:49:52 AM »
ben ji, did you find any more chapters yet?

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #166 on: July 21, 2015, 09:20:31 AM »
ben ji, did you find any more chapters yet?
Should be published tonight.

Offline Dugout DickStone

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #167 on: July 21, 2015, 10:01:33 AM »
If this thing gets printed and bound it will break a record at FF

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #168 on: July 21, 2015, 10:21:31 AM »
Chapter 9, “Game On”

 

Memorial Stadium in Lincoln NE had once held 87,000 college football fans, today it held 30,000 dissidents including Steve Dave and Alonzo. Despite only arriving 3 days ago they had already got their routine down. Up by 0600 for morning prayer, always sure to face the rising sun in the east, next was a quick breakfast of Corn Kernels soaked in water that never quite filled them up. The remaining hours were a blur of Christian Extremism and Corporal Punishment. Their only respite came between the hours of 3-5 when they were allowed “Free Time”. Most of the dissidents spent this time in additional Bible Study hoping for an early release, SD and Alonzo had other ideas.

 

For 3 days they had scoured the stadium hoping to find a way out. What they found was a stadium completely sealed off from the outside world, the only way in and out was through a fenced Metal Tunnel that was guarded 24/7 by the vaunted BlackShirts. Late on the third day Alonzo’s face lit up with excitement. “SD, GET OVER HERE NOW, I’ve got an idea”

 

SD rounded the corner and saw Alonzo holding the door of a supply closet open. Peeking inside the supply closet all SD saw was a Herbie the Husker costume and some old balloons and inflatables “I’d rather have Dobber follow me around all day then put that stupid Husker Costume on” he scoffed. “Think harder” Alonzo Said…”Think balloon boy”.

 

Later that night they snuck out from their bunks and headed to the supply closet. 2 hours later they had fashioned a crude dirigible out of balloons and an inflatables Herbie Husker. SD and Alonzo climbed on the 6ft tall Herbie Inflatable and cut the supports. A year before Husker Faithful had released thousands of red and white balloons before every game.  Tonight those same balloons would carry SD and Alonzo away from this hell hole and hopefully back to their family.

Offline 8manpick

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #169 on: July 21, 2015, 10:23:16 AM »
MOAR!!!
:adios:

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #170 on: July 21, 2015, 11:02:51 AM »
Chapter 10

Sheriff Osborne silently paced around the lobby, Constable Pearlman would no doubt be furious about the Recent escape from Memorial Stadium. Just 2 weeks ago Premier Brownback promoted Harvey Pearlman to Constable of all Nebraska and the Dakota’s, He must fix this he thought as the door to the Constable’s office opened up.

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE GONE?!? Just GONE?! UP AND FLOATED AWAY HUH?!?” Constable Pearlman was livid, in fact Sheriff Osborne couldn’t remember him being this distraught since LHC Bill Snyder ran up the score in 2003. “IT WAS THAT DAM SOLICH” Pearlman shouted. “I KNEW HE WAS INCAPABLE, but YOU insisted he run the Largest Born Again camp in the country” The tongue lashing continued for what seem like days.

 

Finally Sheriff Osborne had the opportunity to speak. “I can fix this, SD and Alonzo can’t be far” He calmly replied. “I have an elite team of BlackShirts I’ve been training for just such a mission. They are waiting for my word to go…but first I have a request. Lawrence Phillips, a transfer from Cal State Pen, I need him back on my team”

 

Constable Pearlman was flabbergast “WHY? You couldn’t control him last time he was here and now you want him back?!?”

 

“I need him” Osborne stated firmly “With him nothing will stop us from reaching the Rockies”

 

“Fine” Pearlman said, “But you are responsible for him”

 

“Good, he is already on a plane headed here” Osborne said with a grin reaching across his face.

 

When Sheriff Osborne entered the clubhouse the Blackshirts immediately halted their activities and stood at attention. “Christian Peter. Grant Winstrom. Tracey Winstrom. Mike Rucker. Please step forward, I have a special mission for you….But first, lets go pickup an old friend from the airport”

Offline slobber

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #171 on: July 21, 2015, 01:21:39 PM »
Chapter 9, “Game On”

 

Memorial Stadium in Lincoln NE had once held 87,000 college football fans, today it held 30,000 dissidents including Steve Dave and Alonzo. Despite only arriving 3 days ago they had already got their routine down. Up by 0600 for morning prayer, always sure to face the rising sun in the east, next was a quick breakfast of Corn Kernels soaked in water that never quite filled them up. The remaining hours were a blur of Christian Extremism and Corporal Punishment. Their only respite came between the hours of 3-5 when they were allowed “Free Time”. Most of the dissidents spent this time in additional Bible Study hoping for an early release, SD and Alonzo had other ideas.

 

For 3 days they had scoured the stadium hoping to find a way out. What they found was a stadium completely sealed off from the outside world, the only way in and out was through a fenced Metal Tunnel that was guarded 24/7 by the vaunted BlackShirts. Late on the third day Alonzo’s face lit up with excitement. “SD, GET OVER HERE NOW, I’ve got an idea”

 

SD rounded the corner and saw Alonzo holding the door of a supply closet open. Peeking inside the supply closet all SD saw was a Herbie the Husker costume and some old balloons and inflatables “I’d rather have Dobber follow me around all day then put that stupid Husker Costume on” he scoffed. “Think harder” Alonzo Said…”Think balloon boy”.

 

Later that night they snuck out from their bunks and headed to the supply closet. 2 hours later they had fashioned a crude dirigible out of balloons and an inflatables Herbie Husker. SD and Alonzo climbed on the 6ft tall Herbie Inflatable and cut the supports. A year before Husker Faithful had released thousands of red and white balloons before every game.  Tonight those same balloons would carry SD and Alonzo away from this hell hole and hopefully back to their family.
Oh man! What if dobber really shows up and helps sd!?!?!

Offline Mrs. Gooch

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #172 on: July 21, 2015, 01:51:20 PM »
I am just waiting for SD to encounter some other gErs.

Offline ben ji

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #173 on: July 21, 2015, 02:19:36 PM »
I am just waiting for SD to encounter some other gErs.
Been working on that, may have have something up my sleeve once they leave COW FARMER JENKINS homestead.

It would be easier if some gE people lived in western NE.

Offline Fedor

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Re: Breaking up the United States
« Reply #174 on: July 21, 2015, 02:24:01 PM »
I am just waiting for SD to encounter some other gErs.
Been working on that, may have have something up my sleeve once they leave COW FARMER JENKINS homestead.

It would be easier if some gE people lived in western NE.
Time for some deus ex machina to get SD to SC Kansas at Fedor's prepped out to the max hobby farm.  Bonus points awarded if SD shows up on a brew day.
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