Author Topic: Ames travel tips (Read 4320 times)

jtksu · « **on:** October 07, 2012, 11:20:38 PM »

Make sure you are up to date on your shots. Get all the Hep shots.

Bring a bag of sand. You can barter with it up there.

Bring condoms. If you actually see a girl worth sexing up there, she will be riddled with STDs.

Carry your wallet in your front pocket. Iowans have sticky fingers. Also, Iowans are thieves.

If you are stranded in the country and are forced to sleep in a farmer's barn- Do not have sex with his daughter. She has herpes.

If you come across a town with no adults and creepy child preachers, do not worry, that crap is super common up there.

Do not drink the water, their main source of water is called the Skunk River for Pete's sake.

Do not make fun of the Skunk River, they worship it much like the ancient Egyptians worshipped the Nile.

Brush up on your swimming strokes. Strong swimmers are held in high regard in Ames. Michael Phelps is their Elvis.

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #1 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:23:31 PM »

$5 will basically buy absolutely anything you want in Ames.

GoodForAnother · « **Reply #2 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:26:12 PM »

Quote from: Limestone on October 07, 2012, 11:23:31 PM

$5 will basically buy absolutely anything you want in Ames.

yeah, $5 will do it, or a fat chicken

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #3 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:27:05 PM »

Quote from: GoodForAnother on October 07, 2012, 11:26:12 PM

Quote from: Limestone on October 07, 2012, 11:23:31 PM
$5 will basically buy absolutely anything you want in Ames.

yeah, $5 will do it, or a fat chicken

barrel of butter

Paul Moscow · « **Reply #4 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:29:28 PM »

If you really want to impress/confuse an Iowan tell them you have a waterbed.

zackole1 · « **Reply #5 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:31:04 PM »

Take your own women.......for gods sake.......take your own women....

jtksu · « **Reply #6 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:39:18 PM »

Carry some chewing tobacco at all times. Iowans are very distrustful of those who dont chew tobacco.

wetwillie · « **Reply #7 on:** October 07, 2012, 11:53:29 PM »

Ames travel tip: stay home, don't go.

doom · « **Reply #8 on:** October 08, 2012, 06:33:51 AM »

Def. visit the water park.

JohnCurrie is Weird/Gross · « **Reply #9 on:** October 08, 2012, 08:44:56 AM »

About 10 miles outside of the stadium a Fan Boat will meet you to take you to your seats. Be sure to pack plenty of dramamine if you're susceptible to motion sickness.

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #10 on:** October 08, 2012, 08:47:21 AM »

Cell phones will not work up there BUT your smartphone will dazzle and amaze Iowans so you should still take it to show them.

OK_Cat · « **Reply #11 on:** October 08, 2012, 08:51:44 AM »

leave early to beat the rush...it takes them quite a while to warm up the tractors, but when they do, it is bumper-to-bumper (except that tractors don't have bumpers, I think? ltiq)

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #12 on:** October 08, 2012, 08:53:53 AM »

Don't believe any Iowan who says you are safe from being a flood victim, they don't understand how water works.

BostonPancake · « **Reply #13 on:** October 08, 2012, 08:55:30 AM »

Quote from: jtksu on October 07, 2012, 11:20:38 PM

Make sure you are up to date on your shots. Get all the Hep shots.

Bring a bag of sand. You can barter with it up there.

Bring condoms. If you actually see a girl worth sexing up there, she will be riddled with STDs.

Carry your wallet in your front pocket. Iowans have sticky fingers. Also, Iowans are thieves.

If you are stranded in the country and are forced to sleep in a farmer's barn- Do not have sex with his daughter. She has herpes.

If you come across a town with no adults and creepy child preachers, do not worry, that crap is super common up there.

Do not drink the water, their main source of water is called the Skunk River for Pete's sake.

Do not make fun of the Skunk River, they worship it much like the ancient Egyptians worshipped the Nile.

Brush up on your swimming strokes. Strong swimmers are held in high regard in Ames. Michael Phelps is their Elvis.

Wouldn't bullet point 3 take care of bullet point 5??

Also, don't make fun of corn or play'n the fiddle. That just gets 'em riled up.

Pro tip: If you do rile up the locals, you can calm them back down by offering them a funnel cake or some other fried food (doesn't matter what it is, just as long as it's deep fried).

Emo EMAW · « **Reply #14 on:** October 08, 2012, 09:03:15 AM »

If you do visit a strip club, be prepared to wait for any "exotics." The farmer boys up there really love them "exotics."

TBL · « **Reply #15 on:** October 08, 2012, 10:23:17 AM »

Make sure to take one of these. Painted purple, though.

Clevey 2 Times · « **Reply #16 on:** October 08, 2012, 12:21:52 PM »

Are you white? If yes, continue to next question. If no, please stay away from Ames.

Do you have a nonwhite friend who may come up in conversation and is not an athlete (non-athlete minorities are utterly confusing to Iowans, unless its an Asian engineering student at ISU)? If yes, please never ever bring them up.

Do you love Insane Clown Posse? If yes, are you an Iowan by birth?

Do you love meth or at least know how to cook it? If yes, you'll fit right in.

Do you love antiquing and are a borderline hoarder?

Triangulating an Iowan - Insane Clown Posse fan, in depth knowledge of methamphetamines, and love of antiquing.

OKclone · « **Reply #17 on:** October 08, 2012, 12:37:00 PM »

I remember when I first tried to troll, it was about as good as OP.

Sandstone Outcropping · « **Reply #18 on:** October 08, 2012, 12:39:57 PM »

Quote from: Cleveland on October 08, 2012, 12:21:52 PM

Are you white? If yes, continue to next question. If no, please stay away from Ames.

Do you have a nonwhite friend who may come up in conversation and is not an athlete (non-athlete minorities are utterly confusing to Iowans, unless its an Asian engineering student at ISU)? If yes, please never ever bring them up.

Do you love Insane Clown Posse? If yes, are you an Iowan by birth?

Do you love meth or at least know how to cook it? If yes, you'll fit right in.

Do you love antiquing and are a borderline hoarder?

Triangulating an Iowan - Insane Clown Posse fan, in depth knowledge of methamphetamines, and love of antiquing.

Lots of good insight in this thread. I think I'm going to watch from the safety of my own home.

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #19 on:** October 08, 2012, 12:41:59 PM »

Pigs can drive a pickup provided they are on "farm business" so don't honk at slow trucks you may startle them.

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #20 on:** October 08, 2012, 01:00:15 PM »

Do not play ANY rap music with the exception of "parents just don't understand" - it scares them to death

Clevey 2 Times · « **Reply #21 on:** October 09, 2012, 01:36:30 PM »

Quote from: Limestone on October 08, 2012, 12:41:59 PM

Pigs can drive a pickup provided they are on "farm business" so don't honk at slow trucks you may startle them.

Winner

KSUblumpkin · « **Reply #22 on:** October 09, 2012, 02:34:07 PM »

Tips from the Ole' Blumpster:

1) Try not to flash your ipods or smart phones as it will anger them with confusion. Iowans aren't used to talking boxes and fear the unknown.

2) Remember that this is a third world part of the country. Bartering is okay here and animals are currency.

3) When driving through Iowa, if you notice a foul stench, don't worry. It isn't your car nor has anyone in your car farted. This is the natural aroma of Iowa.

Dugout DickStone · « **Reply #23 on:** October 09, 2012, 04:07:42 PM »

Quote from: KSUblumpkin on October 09, 2012, 02:34:07 PM

Tips from the Ole' Blumpster:

1) Try not to flash your ipods or smart phones as it will anger them with confusion. Iowans aren't used to talking boxes and fear the unknown.

2) Remember that this is a third world part of the country. Bartering is okay here and animals are currency.

3) When driving through Iowa, if you notice a foul stench, don't worry. It isn't your car nor has anyone in your car farted. This is the natural aroma of Iowa.

Thanks Blumpster! Helpful advice there