When this stuff gets announced (which it will be very soon), who is going to play the role of the Texas Longhorns? We've dominated them so long it will kind of suck not having them around to embarass the hell out of year in and year out. But all is not lost- there's plenty of prime pickins to choose from in our new home, the SEC.
Here's my breakdown of each team's rival worthyness-
Bama- aside from their redneck hayseed fans' meltdowns on You Tube I really don't see much to do about these hayseeds. And they can't even pronounce the name of their team, "Buma" - wtf is that crap? I never liked Gene Stallings much either, goofy looking Aggie. They do have some national prestige but not much outside of Alabuma. I'll put them as Honorable Mention Potential Rival.
Arkansas- too redneck. Plus that sooeee crap they say is annoying and sounds like some crap you'd here in the back room of a Laotian whorehouse. They don't make the cut as a potential SEC rival. Are they even in the SEC? Last I heard the only thing that was in Arkansas was a mason jar holding Sam Walton’s pickled nuts.
Auburn- this is something to consider- when I went down there for our game against these hayseeds, aside from the many moonshine stills, there just wasn’t much there. I want our rival to be on the same level as us and similar to the Laotian whoresluts from Arkansas, I don’t think people realize Auburn is even in the SEC. Nope, no potential rivalry there. (Especially when you think how one sided it would be, they’d probably want to quit and join the ACC lol).
Florida. This is my pick as our new SEC rival. I say this for many reasons but the biggest one, of course, is that Florida is our sister school. They share a good part of the national spotlight each fall with us and maybe Texas and I think our two schools could serve as the foundation of the SEC as we look forward through the next couple of decades. Also, the women in Gator country, wowza.
Georgia- no way, no how. Stupid bulldog mascot (similar to Aggie’s stupid Lassie thing), no tradition, terrible academics, terrible co-eds. Just a massive fail on all parts by this school. Besides, Jimmy Carter is from Georgia and we all know how bad that guy sucked.
UK- no comment, didn’t realize Kentucky had a football program. We’ll leave these losers to rival against Vandy. One sidenote: These comments are contingent upon Calipari not becoming UK’s next head football coach. All bets are off if that sexy son of a bitch steps onto the gridiron.
LSU- I love LSU. They’re the reddest of the rednecks. They live in swamps, don’t even bother with dentures, and share the color purple with their new SEC bros, the KSU Cats. IMO they could be our secondary rival and something we look forward to playing each year, similar to how we used to do to Kansas. Both programs are about on the same level as well (KU and LSU). Also, That LSU Freak is seriously talented and I would hate to be on the receiving end of his incredible .gifs.
Ole Miss- never heard of them.
Mississippi State- see Ole Miss.
South Carolina- they’re on Thursday Night ESPN a lot playing which means they’re a second tier program in their own conference but they do have the old ball coach on their sidelines and he’s always good for a laugh or two (which happens to be that crockety SOB’s IQ). South Carolina has their own problems to deal with (been to Myrtle Beach lately, jebus….) they don’t need the type of pain our program would deliver upon them.
Tennessee- we already own these clowns. How many times do we need to completely dominate a team before they realize they should just begin forfeiting? I think they might have a dog for a mascot too. Or maybe that’s one of their cheerleaders. Regardless, I just can’t imagine playing them as a rival each year. I’d need a case of Red Bull and 10 8 balls to get up for that losery game.
Vanderbilt.
gee, how cute.
