Kings and Pawns

[SdK]

Jfc, stop talking to yourself.

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I'm always surprised that people still think SdK and I are the same person. We are very much different people.

One of us has a lot more gray hair. Some of it caused by me.

[Canary]

Jfc, stop talking to yourself.

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I'm always surprised that people still think SdK and I are the same person. We are very much different people.

One of us has a lot more gray hair. Some of it caused by me.

What little I have left.

[SdK]

Haha you have a great head of hair.

[Canary]

Haha you have a great head of hair.

If thinning and greying constitute a great head of hair...

[SdK]

Haha you have a great head of hair.

If thinning and greying constitute a great head of hair...

Haha stop. It happens with age. I'll be right there with you before too long.

[SdK]

I need life advice guys. I had a good job. It was in a warehouse but it paid well. I may still have this job but I'm choosing to start over. I should probably go back to rehab. But if that's what my life is going to be, going to rehab and being sober for a bit and relapsing and doing it over and over again, I'd rather die. I don't want to die. I want get healthy. I want to go back to a sober life. I also want to work towards a job that stimulates my mind. I want to finish school. I'm I'm a crap ton of debt and I'm not even a home owner. I'm just looking for advice guys. Good thoughts. Hope. I've stopped and started this post over the past few days. I live in Topeka. I'd like to either go back to WU for my Biochem degree. Or go to a tech school and become an rn. I like medicine and I like science. I like helping people. I wanted to be a doctor and maybe I still will be. In this moment I am very scared and just want to hear it's all ok and that I'll make it through. For ideas on places to apply. Paths to get where I want to be. Maybe this isn't the right place to ask. I don't know. Canary helps a lot and will help a lot. I'd like to get as much advice as I can. This is a long incoherent post and I know that. But it's all my brain will allow me to do right now.

You all have helped a lot already. Reading posts takes my mind away from bad thoughts. Sometimes you guys make me laugh like crazy. I know I've been a crap bag for a week. I chose to drink for 8 days straight and I chose to be a douche. I mumped up. I hope you all know you're loved. SdK loves you.

[SdK]

I started this thread to cheer myself up. I'm not giving up on that.

[Emo EMAW]

You need to decide that you are worth trying your very best.  You are worth your own effort.  You deserve nothing less than your best.  And then damnit hold yourself accountable to yourself.  Ultimately it's your decision making that's rough ridin' it all up.  Maybe you think the end goal is soooo big you get overwhelmed worrying and give up and give in before you've even gotten started.  Just think about the first step, getting sober, and do that.  Then, while you're doing that, think about the next step.  Consider options.  Research stuff.  Get exercise.  Pray.  Then, make a decision, and push on trying your very best.  If you do that there is no way you can fail.

[star seed 7]

I'm not a professional or anything, but you should probably focus solely on getting sober for at least a year and then let the other stuff fall into place or become a bigger focus.

We share a lot of the same traits in continually sabotaging our lives. I think maybe it's hard for those that do it the "normal" way to understand.  I see signs of this creeping back up on me lately despite being in the best life situation thus far, and just try to be honest with myself and do the best I can to keep it at bay.  Good luck dude.

[SdK]

Thank you Emo. I have enough to pay rent. So that's great. I'll probably go to a temp agency while I look for a better paying gig. I'll set up meetings with Washburn and Washburn tech and see what I need to do to get back into school. Canary is helping to get me back to therapy.  I owe them money and missed 4 appointments because I was drinking. I was too afraid to make another appointment. So that'll mean back on the medication I need to be on. I have a gym membership and I need to go back. I also have a gym at my complex. Meditation and prayer are good advice. The first thing that always goes by the wayside when I start heading to relapse is spirituality. Believing you aren't all powerful and there is something bigger than you is important.

Again, thank you Emo. Reading that meant a lot to me. Made me cry a little because it was all true and I forget that sometimes.

[SdK]

I'm not a professional or anything, but you should probably focus solely on getting sober for at least a year and then let the other stuff fall into place or become a bigger focus.

We share a lot of the same traits in continually sabotaging our lives. I think maybe it's hard for those that do it the "normal" way to understand.  I see signs of this creeping back up on me lately despite being in the best life situation thus far, and just try to be honest with myself and do the best I can to keep it at bay.  Good luck dude.

You're right. I just hate that my life has become about being sober. Like that it is a rough ridin' victory. I know it is. But I want my life to be about more. It kills me to think about who I once was and who I am now. I know this is just a low point and it'll get better with time. You're right about focusing on sobriety. When I'm sober I don't feel it's some hollow victory. I love all of it.

You're the only person on this blog that I knew in real life and then we found out we knew one another in here. I know you're a solid person. I believe in you, brother. I'm in my best situation so far in my life as well. I just went out and put my fist in the air towards KC as a show of solidarity.

[SdK]

I almost came back in here and deleted my post. I'm glad Emo replied and stopped me.

[Emo EMAW]

Reading you response...

You are probably ashamed of yourself.  And sometimes it's easier to drown the shame away with booze.  Then, you sober up, and the shame is even deeper.

So, maybe you need a dose of humility.  Admit to yourself you haven't been perfect.  You can't change that, but you CAN control your future.  You can change your behaviors and work hard and eventually come to a place where you are proud of who you are and how far you have come.  It may take some time but like I said you can't fail if you try your best.  You will succeed.  One step at a time.

[SdK]

I'm very ashamed. Sobering up also hurts a lot. There is pancreatitis, night sweats, being hot one second and freezing the next. It's easier to keep drinking than do that.

There is a lot of shame. There is a lot of guilt. I've been a lot worse to people in real life than I've ever been on here.

It is the past though like you said. I can make up for things I've done. People in my life love me and I do a lot of good things for them and they me. I show them love and they show me love.

Thanks again, Emo. You are helping.

[Canary]

Change your life one day at a time and one act of kindness at a time. 

[SdK]

I'll be working on that. Being kind makes me very happy.