i'm not reading this piece of crap until tighty mcbuttholes chimes in 
There's no crap like a, "risky-coffee-fart-crap"

Sadly enough, I do have quite a few stories for this thread, unfortunately too many people actually know me for me to tell but I will leave one of a friend of mine.
The night is coming to an end as bars are turning their light's on and forcing everyone out of the doors in two-line fashion. My friend just got done throwing up some apple manhattans in the urinal of a great bar with the great name of Aggie Station. He realized on our way to the after party about 5 blocks down that he had missed his post-dinner meeting with the cold porcelain. Walking next to a very open yard he spots a tree over looking a white concrete bench and decides that this is as good as any to hold his meeting. Unfortunately for him and myself the only TP around happens to be pine needles so he promptly disagrees with my solution and decides to do a fell swoop of his whitey-tighties and be on his way walking like a true commando. That was until the swamp ass kicked in and we found a bicycle that he rode on two flat tires for 15 minutes around a parking lot before driving it directly through the doors of the party. He left that lump of processed food sitting directly on that white concrete bench, and the remnants he finally cleaned at the party using a make-shift bidet (the sink) and a face towel.