Messages

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 09, 2011, 02:20:12 PM »

Forcing chicks is not scoring chicks.

Otherwise, sherron Collins would be a real pimp.

An excellent point that was routinely discussed in law school.  It's now a standard bullet item when I warn my gentile friends about the dangers of alcohol and using it to soften up a ladyfriend for semi-consensual but unsanctioned premarital sex.

Good!  I like your pro-active approach.  You are "ahead of the curve" as they say in my business (curve manufacturing).

Now, what do you tell them about forcing 12-14 year old girls into marrying much older men, then forcing them to have sex with men they did not (could not) choose to be with?  I can help you incorporate some information into your bullet points on this issue if need be.

Well, see, here's the real rub with that:  I don't actually know any of the forced child rapist people.  There's a couple of reasons for that:

1.  My own (and only) wife was of an age that would have permitted her to drink and gamble in any of our fine states when we got married.  You know, assuming she was into that sort of thing.  Not only that, I easily passed the "half your age plus seven rule."  So it's a bit outside of my experience.

2.  Back in the day, there wasn't a whole lot of illegal forcing going on (recall that rape couldn't be committed against a wife in most states, though, and of course there's the whole "is she a wife if it's bigamy" deal).  Anyway, they pretty much got married like anybody else, only they did it again, and again, and again.  Some of the women were too young (economics of supply and demand in a society where women are semi-chattelized?) and I'm sure there was a lot of the "get married to me or go to hell" bit but our notorious namesake ZZ Top polygamist prophet Brigham Young had a whole bunch of reputedly amicable divorces to go along with those wives.  Not sure it was 47, but it was more than one.  

The crazy forcing thing really started back at the turn of the century (this would be the 19th-20th, not 20th-21st) when a bunch of crazies decided we weren't hardcore enough and broke off.  There's a whole lot of politics and murder and bombs and plural wives acting as spies (no, really!) but it came down to a bunch of people moving to the AZ-UT border to rape their womenfolk in peace.  They have since moved to Texas, mostly, so they're a Big 12 problem now.  Well, maybe C-USA or whatever since they're sort of close to El Paso.

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 09, 2011, 12:20:48 PM »

Forcing chicks is not scoring chicks.

Otherwise, sherron Collins would be a real pimp.

An excellent point that was routinely discussed in law school.  It's now a standard bullet item when I warn my gentile friends about the dangers of alcohol and using it to soften up a ladyfriend for semi-consensual but unsanctioned premarital sex.

3

Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 09, 2011, 10:47:51 AM »

If there were any that would pretend Joseph Smith wasn't kind of a twerp who had a hard time scoring chicks, I'd like them equal if not better.  Haven't met one of them yet.

Well, now, sonny, there's where I'm going to have to quibble with you a bit. You can object to his methodology all you want, but I'm pretty sure the numerical successes of The Prophet with the ladies speak for themselves. And a closer examination of the record shows that he was successful with older women as well as younger. He even convinced a husband or two to share. Hard time with the ladies?  I think not!

Not impressed.  There are some neighborhoods in Johnson County that allow you to accomplish this by simply putting a white rock in your front yard.

Our preferred method is white rock in the hat, thanks.

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 09, 2011, 09:41:30 AM »

If there were any that would pretend Joseph Smith wasn't kind of a twerp who had a hard time scoring chicks, I'd like them equal if not better.  Haven't met one of them yet.

Well, now, sonny, there's where I'm going to have to quibble with you a bit. You can object to his methodology all you want, but I'm pretty sure the numerical successes of The Prophet with the ladies speak for themselves. And a closer examination of the record shows that he was successful with older women as well as younger. He even convinced a husband or two to share. Hard time with the ladies?  I think not!

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 04:21:19 PM »

Just found a pic of Nikuman on the intarwebz:

OMG!  The Mormons have their own nuclear arsenal! 

What is we are all mumped?!?   

No need!  We're nothing if not littered (har!) with Birch Society brand patriotism and xenophobia.  So only communists need take the strike up the tailpipe. Also, while we have a history of military conquest rivaled only by the French (we have a thicker accent though, at least in the Mothersland), our preference runs to chemical and not nuclear warfare. In fact, we have a chemical weapons depot convenient to Salt Lake City and an Air Force base for strike options. Missouri - think of them singing the Horst Wessel song in this narrative - is in for a dose of mustard gas righteousness one of these days!

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 04:04:36 PM »

Niku, I'm a little  .  Can LDS Mormons use profanity? See the usage of "ass" above.

A fair question indeed. I have a special dispensation in that I grew up wearing shitkickers. Most of the time we try to avoid speaking profanity in the same way most of you all try to avoid speaking Japanese - we just ain't that good at it. However, a childhood spent down on the farm quickly rendered me fluent in the correct usage of most of the more common epithets. No need to use grawlix 'round me!

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 03:26:52 PM »

niku, when did you start tithing?

Right after puberty. There's this special bar mitzvah type deal where we cut off our vestigial tails and file down our horn nubs. It's a payment for services rendered. After that they school you on proper ways to use accounting to make yourself feel like you pay more than your neighbor, but only for the advanced acolytes.

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 03:23:01 PM »

Folks, I'm sorry for that second post. I was getting so excited at the prospect of another-er- romantic entanglement I went a bit too soon. Happens to the best of us. I'll be back to clean up the mess after consulting with my ecclesiastical leader.

f^ck you nikuman, go get us some easily offended BYU fans to mess with 

Happy to oblige (not the f^cking part; that has to wait until after marriage and I think we'd have to go to California or Iowa maybe). I suggest a visit to the aforementioned cougarboard.com and a contest to see who can last longest without getting banned. I was a long-time denizen of that particular spot (it is the ass end of the interwebs, so my apologies) until it became obvious that humor and self-awareness was not exactly their cup of tea.

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 03:15:04 PM »

Folks, I'm sorry for that second post. I was getting so excited at the prospect of another-er- romantic entanglement I went a bit too soon. Happens to the best of us. I'll be back to clean up the mess after consulting with my ecclesiastical leader.

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 03:10:37 PM »

i see you failed to discuss the magic underwear.  seems like you're hiding something already, friend.   
[/quote]

Wow - I usually like a guy to buy me a dinner and a martinelli's, or at least a cold caffeine-free Coke before I go prancing about in naught but my special undies.  You folks DO take this premarital sex stuff seriously, don't you!

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Kansas State Football / Re: Welcome BYU!

« on: September 08, 2011, 02:54:15 PM »

On behalf of Cougar Nation (we're more of a city-state, actually) I would like to thank you for your gracious welcome!  I would also like to take this opportunity to help clarify some of the differences you have pointed out:

1.  We don't really hate black people anymore (overt racism free since 1978!). I would call us more intolerant and inexperienced/uneducated. Progress, people - now only 20 years behind the times!

2.  I myself only have one wife and three kids. So far they have let me stay. Also, we marry our women as old as 20 these days sometimes. Rumor has it somebody made it to 24 but I can't confirm.

3. I'm not sure about the whole planet thing but I'd like mine to be like Disneyland, only with real ski slopes on the Matterhorn and shorter waits for Splash Mountain. I think that would be cool as heck.

So anywhoo, as a guy already living in Big 12 country, thanks and hello. Stop by for a bowl of jello if you're in the neighborhood.