Weird emails/texts from your parents or grandparents

[mocat]

pretty much yeah

[kslim]

man what a fantastic read. happy new years folks

 

[ben ji]

Wow, I just got the motherload.... A home made 10 page "Guidelines for a Successful Life" from the pops, complete with its own binder and plastic cover. It's super adorable and although some of the stuff in there is batshit crazy(Bee and Snake Venom) there are some good life lessons buried inside. 

Pictures coming

[Tobias]

there are some good life lessons buried inside

also bee and snake venom?

[ben ji]

<3

[attachment deleted by admin]

[ben ji]

Favorite part

"So in about 2006 when i started getting arthritis pains in my hands I took preventative action, I became a bee keeper. I would grab a bee and let her sting me on the arm once a month during the summer.  A few years later that was not enough, so I started doing it once a week to keep the arthritis pains away. A few years after that I had to improvise a way to keep some bees in the basement so I could get the bee stings in the winter. Basically  it worked! Over time I had to increase the frequency of the bee stings to stay ahead of the arthritis.

Continuing the research, I learned that the southern copperhead has a protein in its venom that stops the growth of cancer. Lets just say I am a medical experiment and I no longer keep bees in the basement. If you want more information we can talk"

[puniraptor]

Omg. I would pay huge dollars for a signed copy at the fatty fest fest auction.

[raquetcat]

That's pure gold, post more pictures!

[yoga-like_abana]

holy crap. thats awesome

[Asteriskhead]

holy crap. thats awesome

BING!

[SkinnyBenny]

ben ji you and your dad are an absolute treasure.

[ShellShock]

I would pay good money to get a copy of that manifesto...

[puniraptor]

why were you asking for that excel formula when your dad wrote it for you right there in a book 

[slucat]

A gem of FB status update today from my dad.

what's on my mind? glad you ask. i am sitting in my house wondering what the hell am i doing in a place where the temps. are 12 below and with wind chill they feel like 27 below. i have tree limbs hanging over my shed and fence from the ice storm it looks like mr. freeze was target practicing with his freeze gun. tried walking to the shed but when the ice breaks thru you cut up to your shins. 4 wheel drive isn't working so its a blast trying to get out of the driveway, don't want to check my mail today, looks like taxes for my properties. crap, i know what's on my mind, i want to be a wizard when i grow up. just you can be my student. glad i have a short memory maybe we should go to a casino, win a bunch and head for the Caribbean for a couple of weeks. oh well, guess i'll head for bed. good night humans.

[puniraptor]

man, your dad was blasted 

[SkinnyBenny]

After the qhatz just beat OU, my dad sent me an email.

Subject: OU vs. KSU

Entire body of email: Sorry, Lon and Steve.

[Emo EMAW]

Okay just an old man story, no emails or texts but ben ji says it should go here.

This old man, he's a well witcher, and people think he's crazy (he isn't--for the most part).  At least he thinks people think he's crazy, so he's very reluctant to talk about anything to do with well witching or the aquifer or anything like that.

One time he was talking about how he knows the water is contaminated from these underground gasoline/diesel storage tanks, that somehow the fuel is leaking into the groundwater.  He's very concerned about this.  He mentioned some particular chemical, which I can't remember, but I looked it up afterwards and it seems like a legitimate concern, but without evidence.

We suggested he send sample to be tested, which he says he's done multiple times, but the people at the testing office are in cahoots with some other people and are suppressing the truth.  So I suggested he purposely contaminate a sample by putting a small amount of diesel in a sample and sending it to them.  If it comes back negative then he knows they are corrupt.  Well he didn't like this suggestion and wouldn't talk anymore the rest of the night about it.   He switched the conversation to why he drives to Plainville to go to the doctor, which is hours away, when there is a decent sized hospital in town.  The reason?  It's because they're trying to kill him.

[slobber]

Okay just an old man story, no emails or texts but ben ji says it should go here.

This old man, he's a well witcher, and people think he's crazy (he isn't--for the most part).  At least he thinks people think he's crazy, so he's very reluctant to talk about anything to do with well witching or the aquifer or anything like that.

One time he was talking about how he knows the water is contaminated from these underground gasoline/diesel storage tanks, that somehow the fuel is leaking into the groundwater.  He's very concerned about this.  He mentioned some particular chemical, which I can't remember, but I looked it up afterwards and it seems like a legitimate concern, but without evidence.

We suggested he send sample to be tested, which he says he's done multiple times, but the people at the testing office are in cahoots with some other people and are suppressing the truth.  So I suggested he purposely contaminate a sample by putting a small amount of diesel in a sample and sending it to them.  If it comes back negative then he knows they are corrupt.  Well he didn't like this suggestion and wouldn't talk anymore the rest of the night about it.   He switched the conversation to why he drives to Plainville to go to the doctor, which is hours away, when there is a decent sized hospital in town.  The reason?  It's because they're trying to kill him.

Seems more accurate. Still does not mean that he is not an awesome dude.

[Emo EMAW]

Okay just an old man story, no emails or texts but ben ji says it should go here.

This old man, he's a well witcher, and people think he's crazy (he isn't--for the most part).  At least he thinks people think he's crazy, so he's very reluctant to talk about anything to do with well witching or the aquifer or anything like that.

One time he was talking about how he knows the water is contaminated from these underground gasoline/diesel storage tanks, that somehow the fuel is leaking into the groundwater.  He's very concerned about this.  He mentioned some particular chemical, which I can't remember, but I looked it up afterwards and it seems like a legitimate concern, but without evidence.

We suggested he send sample to be tested, which he says he's done multiple times, but the people at the testing office are in cahoots with some other people and are suppressing the truth.  So I suggested he purposely contaminate a sample by putting a small amount of diesel in a sample and sending it to them.  If it comes back negative then he knows they are corrupt.  Well he didn't like this suggestion and wouldn't talk anymore the rest of the night about it.   He switched the conversation to why he drives to Plainville to go to the doctor, which is hours away, when there is a decent sized hospital in town.  The reason?  It's because they're trying to kill him.

Seems more accurate. Still does not mean that he is not an awesome dude.

He absolutely is an awesome dude.  He feigns dementia or whatever, like in a room with lots of people he just sits there and pretends not to know what's going on.  But if you're telling a story and eff it up he pipes up and corrects you and then when people are like "wtf grandpa" he's like "oh crap" and goes back to feigning dementia.

[Catchacold]

My 90 year-old Grandpa sends quite a bit of email, and when he does he always just puts random words in quotations. V. weird.

Reminds me of emails from a co-worker that I've never actually met. Uses random uppercase words, and never one comma, always either 4 or 5 commas.

Something like:

The file from CUSTOMER NAME was NEVER created on the SERVER.
Just to NARROW down the issue,,,, the next server sweep,,,,, at 11:30 created file for another customer.

Could someone check the PROCESSING on the SERVER,,,, there may be a problem

I always picture this person as really old, or disturbed in some fashion. hope to never cross paths and ruin the mystery.

[Dr Rick Daris]

Okay just an old man story, no emails or texts but ben ji says it should go here.

This old man, he's a well witcher, and people think he's crazy (he isn't--for the most part).  At least he thinks people think he's crazy, so he's very reluctant to talk about anything to do with well witching or the aquifer or anything like that.

One time he was talking about how he knows the water is contaminated from these underground gasoline/diesel storage tanks, that somehow the fuel is leaking into the groundwater.  He's very concerned about this.  He mentioned some particular chemical, which I can't remember, but I looked it up afterwards and it seems like a legitimate concern, but without evidence.

We suggested he send sample to be tested, which he says he's done multiple times, but the people at the testing office are in cahoots with some other people and are suppressing the truth.  So I suggested he purposely contaminate a sample by putting a small amount of diesel in a sample and sending it to them.  If it comes back negative then he knows they are corrupt.  Well he didn't like this suggestion and wouldn't talk anymore the rest of the night about it.   He switched the conversation to why he drives to Plainville to go to the doctor, which is hours away, when there is a decent sized hospital in town.  The reason?  It's because they're trying to kill him.

my non professional opinion would be non specific delusional disorder w/ paranoid psychosis.

[slucat]

Okay just an old man story, no emails or texts but ben ji says it should go here.

This old man, he's a well witcher, and people think he's crazy (he isn't--for the most part).  At least he thinks people think he's crazy, so he's very reluctant to talk about anything to do with well witching or the aquifer or anything like that.

One time he was talking about how he knows the water is contaminated from these underground gasoline/diesel storage tanks, that somehow the fuel is leaking into the groundwater.  He's very concerned about this.  He mentioned some particular chemical, which I can't remember, but I looked it up afterwards and it seems like a legitimate concern, but without evidence.

We suggested he send sample to be tested, which he says he's done multiple times, but the people at the testing office are in cahoots with some other people and are suppressing the truth.  So I suggested he purposely contaminate a sample by putting a small amount of diesel in a sample and sending it to them.  If it comes back negative then he knows they are corrupt.  Well he didn't like this suggestion and wouldn't talk anymore the rest of the night about it.   He switched the conversation to why he drives to Plainville to go to the doctor, which is hours away, when there is a decent sized hospital in town.  The reason?  It's because they're trying to kill him.

my non professional opinion would be non specific delusional disorder w/ paranoid psychosis.

Not sure I agree with the diagnosis. 

I've seen water witching work.  I was super skeptical, but you can find a lot of underground stuff with two sticks or bent metal rods. I used to work on a drill crew and the lead driller would almost always double check the marks laid out by the one call guys, it always worked, or if one call hadn't been there yet...  Now I'm not saying for sure you can wander around and find a good spot for a well, but there is something to it.

Regarding the underground storage tanks-they pretty much have a super high failure rate, so it is likely they have leaked. If the tanks held gas/diesel, it is likely the concern would be benzene. Also, it would be likely that a lab wouldn't take a sample from rando old man...there are several things that have to be done to ensure the validity and quality of the sample, so he could be confused on that front, however they are probably not giving him the answers he seeks.

[Emo EMAW]

BENZENE!  That's it!

Sent from my SPH-L710 using Tapatalk

[Dr Rick Daris]

Okay just an old man story, no emails or texts but ben ji says it should go here.

This old man, he's a well witcher, and people think he's crazy (he isn't--for the most part).  At least he thinks people think he's crazy, so he's very reluctant to talk about anything to do with well witching or the aquifer or anything like that.

One time he was talking about how he knows the water is contaminated from these underground gasoline/diesel storage tanks, that somehow the fuel is leaking into the groundwater.  He's very concerned about this.  He mentioned some particular chemical, which I can't remember, but I looked it up afterwards and it seems like a legitimate concern, but without evidence.

We suggested he send sample to be tested, which he says he's done multiple times, but the people at the testing office are in cahoots with some other people and are suppressing the truth.  So I suggested he purposely contaminate a sample by putting a small amount of diesel in a sample and sending it to them.  If it comes back negative then he knows they are corrupt.  Well he didn't like this suggestion and wouldn't talk anymore the rest of the night about it.   He switched the conversation to why he drives to Plainville to go to the doctor, which is hours away, when there is a decent sized hospital in town.  The reason?  It's because they're trying to kill him.

my non professional opinion would be non specific delusional disorder w/ paranoid psychosis.

Not sure I agree with the diagnosis. 

I've seen water witching work.  I was super skeptical, but you can find a lot of underground stuff with two sticks or bent metal rods. I used to work on a drill crew and the lead driller would almost always double check the marks laid out by the one call guys, it always worked, or if one call hadn't been there yet...  Now I'm not saying for sure you can wander around and find a good spot for a well, but there is something to it.

Regarding the underground storage tanks-they pretty much have a super high failure rate, so it is likely they have leaked. If the tanks held gas/diesel, it is likely the concern would be benzene. Also, it would be likely that a lab wouldn't take a sample from rando old man...there are several things that have to be done to ensure the validity and quality of the sample, so he could be confused on that front, however they are probably not giving him the answers he seeks.

oiuja boards. also, you thinking that people can find water underground by carrying around a bunch of tree limbs has nothing to do w/ my diagnosis and i stick by it.

[steve dave]

holy crap missed ben ji's life bible pics  amazing. you are truly blessed ben ji.