T-y! I'll type more later on tonight or tomorrow. I'm gonna go slam a whole stuffed crust and sleep through the Super Bowl.
Where's the race report?!?
Okay. It has been exactly four weeks so I guess I should finally get around to typing up the report of my first marathon. Warning: prolly gonna be long and elicit a Martavious DNR or two. But really it's more for my own posterity than for any of your enjoyment. Read or skim or skip if you want. Whatevs.
So it was my first marathon. It was the Rock and Roll marathon (half and full) in New Orleans, so that was fun. My previous long run was 22 miles, so I was confident I could probably do the full without stopping but I was still feeling like I was in a bit of a gray area going into the race. Race day weather was kinda perfect. Maybe 55 or 60 degrees and hazy. It was threatening to rain all day, which would've sucked ass, but the most we got was sprinkles. So got pretty lucky on the weather.
Pre-race buzz: way fun. Maybe about 10,000 people? I would say that probably about 75% of them were just doing the half. Beforehand there's all this music pumping and everyone's there at like 6:30 am and hopping around and stretching and full of anticipation and whatnot. Fun. (Actually the fun anticipation started the day before at packet pickup, which was this rough ridin' giant expo at the Convention Center where I got to play runner Plink-O, sample chocolate milk, and watch a guy ride a giant mechanical bull except instead of a bull it was a running shoe.) Anyway, everyone's all abuzz before the race Sunday morning and it's not even 7 am. Some runners are in costume but not that many.
Race starts. Goes through the CBD (elite NOLA reference) for about a mile and then up St. Charles. Immediately there are tons of spectators sitting in lawn chairs with signs, drinking Bloody Marys and cheering on runners and having a great time. I can't stress enough how important this was. When you're running for over five hours straight it gets boring as crap and it's nice to have something entertaining and constantly changing to look at. One girl had a sign making fun of us all for being slower than the Kenyans, one guy had a sign that said "run like u just farted," one guy had a sign that said "In this race there's no time for Walken" with a picture of Christopher Walken's face crossed out. Oh and one gaggle of super hot Pure Barre instructors had a bunch of signs that were funny, one of which said "Don't Poop (out)!" So that's something to look at that keeps it entertaining.
The first 10 miles or so wasn't all that noteworthy since I'd done 10 mile runs a number of times. So no reason to spend much time on that, other than to say that some of the booths were giving away things I'd never seen before. In addition to water and gatorade, there were booths where people were giving away tongue depressors covered in Vaseline (for the nips), and there was a booth giving away little salt packets. Apparently sodium helps you somehow. I took it and put some on my tongue. Might've helped, no idea.
Around mile 11 my IT band started to flare up near the knee, which was worrisome because it had been bothering me earlier. But I took my mind off it quickly when I saw this guy who had to have been about 75 years old. He was wearing a tanktop that said "1200 Marathons Larry" and was just carrying on conversations with people at nearly the half marathon mark like it wasn't no thang. So I guess that was some inspirado.
After the halfway point things got a lot worse and a shitton more boring. Up until the fork at the end of the half that divides the half marathon and the whole, there are spectators, and signs, and other runners in costume, and all kinds of fun crap to look at. After the halfway point it's basically just you and a handful of people who are way rough ridin' faster than you. Barely any spectators at all. And your body is starting to revolt so it basically just becomes a test of willpower at that point. Luckily my Nike Running App has a music shuffle feature that kept me entertained. It literally went from an aria from some Verdi opera straight into Baja Men "Who Let The Dogs Out." Problem was my iPhone brightness was set to autobrightness accidentally, and my battery died after about 4 and a half hours, so I ran the last...4 miles? of the marathon just alone with my pain and terrible thoughts. It got so goddamn boring.
Oh and to make the last half harder, the route went out by the lakefront and there were a lot of hills thrown in. They weren't huge but at that point any incline sucks balls, not only because you have to run over it, but because you have to run over it AGAIN when the course does the hairpin turn around mile 18 or whatever and retraces the ground.
Oh also it was at this point that the water stations started giving out other things, too. Like pretzels, animal crackers, saltines, bananas, Gu packets (which I tried and it was gu-ross), and of course normal water and gatorade, which was good because these pretzels are making me thirsty. Oh and there was some insane old woman out there around mile 22, which was basically not near any home or business, who came out in the middle of the road holding a bar waitress tray with tiny shot glasses full of martinis. HEY LADY. NO ONE WANTS THOSE RIGHT NOW, GTFO. Also there were occasional neighborhood folks set up in a front yard or side of the highway tailgating setup, with one guy karaokeing inspirational songs like "Don't Stop Believin'" and then another house that was just blaring the theme from Rocky on repeat. Stuff like that kept SB at least somewhat entertained during a long-ass and very often boring run.
I knew future Mrs. SB & friends were going to be set up to cheer me on somewhere around mile 25, so honestly that was incredible motivation to keep going once I started having doubts and srs pain around mile 19 or 20. They were out in full force and made signs and it was great. Also them setting up at mile 25 was great because it meant that I was motivated to keep running until I got to them, and once I did, I was in excruciating pain pretty much everywhere but I was so close to the finish that there's no way I was gonna stop after that. But that last mile was rough ridin' awful. I was confident I wouldn't quit but it WAS NOT FUN. Even when I had like .3 miles left in the whole thing I was asking people on the side, "HOLY CRAP AM I ALMOST THERE THIS IS AWFUL". Anyway, take this marathon protip from your pal SB: have a good group of people to cheer you on and have them set up around mile 25, if possible. Can't stress that enough. Was srs motivation.
When I crossed the finish line it was a very very great feeling. I was weirdly not really out of breath, I think because by that point I was running insanely slow. Just so slow, guys. So slow. I got a sweet participation medal, though. And a lot of free gatorade and chocolate milk. And right afterwards I saw a pallet full of bags of ice and just plopped my sore hammies right down on those badboys. Felt so good.
Walking afterward was slow and painful. Downed a Mich Ultra during the post-race party, which had pretty much cleared out by the time I crossed the finish line lmao rofl. There was almost no one there and the Mich Ultra truck was packing up. BUT SB WAS STILL PAK'ING UP, AMIRITE? Went down so smooth.
Then I went home. Someone else drove, which is another protip. You will not be able to safely operate car pedals if you are a pud runner like me. I went home and took a heavenly warm bath. Turns out the Pizza Hut that I was to order my stuffed crust victory pizza from doesn't deliver (lolwat), so I was gonna order some second-rate non stuffed crust crap from a different place but a pizza angel surprised me with a Pizza Hut stuffed crust jalapeno and bacon large. I downed it all and pretty much didn't get off the couch after that because it was very very very painful to do anything. I honestly should've taken the next day of work off but I am a stud so I didn't.
But I didn't stop once and I didn't poop (out), so those were really my two goals. Oh, ready to lmao? I finished in just under 5 hours and 45 minutes. So comically slow but idgaf. Of all the people who ran the full, I got 2443rd out of 2759th. Pretty bad. Would potentially run again though. Maybe.
Signing off,
1 Marathons SB