An elephant meets an Alabama fan in the parking lot of Winn-Dixie. The elephant is eating a five foot high pile of cashews, and the Bama fan walks up to him, with his cart full of sensible and nutritious food purchases. "Hello elephant", the Bama fan greets the pachyderm, "it's funny meeting you here considering the mascot for my favorite football time is an abstract concept given corporeal form in terms of an elephant!". The elephant keeps chewing, but raises his nose as if to say "hold on a minute I am still chewing, but will reply to you soon". The elephant swallows, and says "Hello sir, my name is Qarn of the magical House Greatfoot. I see you have made some wise shopping decisions today and for this I will grant you three wishes!"
The Alabama fan is taken aback, but then for his first wish he says: "I first wish for Alabama to win the next 7 national championships in football". Qarn bellows out "IT IS SO". For his next wish, the Bama fans requests, "For my second wish, I want Auburn to lose every football game for the next seven years!". "IT IS SO", Qarn trumpets and takes in a another trunk full of cashews. "For my third wish, well I want to be the most handsome man in the world", the Alabama fan whispers in Qarn's ear. Qarn lets out a hearty elephantian laugh and says, "OK OK IT WILL BE SO!". Excitedly the Alabama fan pulls out his cell phone fan takes a selfie, but his dismay he looks just as ugly as he did before. "What's the deal Qarn?" he cried, but Qarn just laughs as says, "Oh silly human, I can't grant wishes! I am just an elephant who loves cashews and pulling pranks in parking lots." Devastated the Alabama fan begins weeping uncontrollably. Visibly shaken by this mans sorrow, Qarn realizes the gravity of his trick and runs away.
Time passes and Alabama does indeed win the next seven national championships in football, Auburn loses every game for the next seven years, and the Alabama fan realizes that looks only go so far, and self-confidence is what women actually find most attractive. Qarn lives out the rest of his days in the Birmingham zoo, eating peanuts and remembering that day, that one glorious day when he learned how to talk and found a five foot high pile of cashews in the Winn-Dixie parking lot. Also, he discovered that he could fit three additional friends inside of his Volkswagen, which was important for their raids on peoples refrigerators for peanut butter.
