Let's Talk About Wiping.

[Pete]

The trick?  Crank up DVDA's "America! frack Yeah!" in your headphones, close your eyes, drown out the outside world, and drop mad chocolate bombz like never before.

Love that song.  Play it at softball games when there aren't any kids around.

[PCR]

You whipper snappers could probably wipe your asses with sandpaper and it would be fine.  Personally wiping my ass is like trying to get peanut butter out of shag carpeting.   

[SkinnyBenny]

Hey, why don't you quote my other favorite Adam Carolla analogy while you're at it and say that trying to find your bunghole through all that hair is like looking for Santa Claus' mouth?

[CatsNShocks]

This thread is too lol for work 

That is very true.  People keep walking by and giving me funny looks.

I'm frickin' crying...keep it up.

I kinda hover, back to front, keep "workin' it" til it's clean...with visual inspections to confirm. Even if that means wetting one down once in awhile.

Bump. 3 pages of wipe-chat. Amazing.
Update: I guess I kinda lean instead of hover. Never really thought about it till this morning when I blew some serious mud.
Two major wipes...front to back, and one more standing...just for polishing.

[Oklahoma_Cat]

Now when you all say "sit down," do you mean both cheeks on the seat? 

I'm a leaner...lift up the right cheek and head in through the side. 

Def. front to back.  Seems more hygenic.  I just go until there is no more brown power.



Here's another question for the topic at hand...(maybe deserves another thread?)

Courtesy flush?  I say YES.

[I_have_purplewood]

Now when you all say "sit down," do you mean both cheeks on the seat? 

I'm a leaner...lift up the right cheek and head in through the side. 

Def. front to back.  Seems more hygenic.  I just go until there is no more brown power.



Here's another question for the topic at hand...(maybe deserves another thread?)

Courtesy flush?  I say YES.

I'm a southpaw so I lift my left cheek.  Pretty much thought this is how any normal person would do their wiping. Also, the wiping til white t.p. is how I approach the matter. 

I usually courtesy flush but will sometimes not if I want to try and get a reaction from the other people in the bathroom.  This is just for my own personal enjoyment.  It also makes me feel better about myself that I drag other people down for the bad choices I made the night before.

[SkinnyBenny]

Agreed completely.  I mean, the courtesy flush may be the moral route to take, but since my own dumps smell like a home-cooked meal to me I have no problem just letting other people marinate in them too for the sake of my own hilarity.  Plus, I could probably think of some petty reason or another why they deserve to smell my dung. 

As for the "do you mean leaning while you sit?" question, I have to say that leaning over onto one cheek is what I was implying by sitting. 

[pwrcat1]

"somebody" used to travel the campus leaving morrison words of wisdom in every stall he/she would bless w/ their sh*t. 

[Dirty Sanchez]

I've had the unfortunate experience of having to crap in the woods on several occasions. I like to try to find a fallen tree I can sit on.  Works best if there's a place where there's a large branch so one cheek sits on the branch and one on the trunk.  A small tree also works to sit over to make sure the bunghole is over the back of it.  Thankfully I've never had the displeasure of having to squat and not go far enough so I crap in my pants dangled around my ankles.  Of course it never comes out as clean and easy nuggets after hiking and getting all hot and sweaty.  Pretty much forced to stand then. 

Of course, no TP out there.  Gotta be careful of what you grab in the woods.  Don't want any poison Ivy or stinging nettle!  I try to find large tree leaves. They're typically safe, especially if you recognize the trees like oak.  Pine needles or cedar: don't even think about it obviously.  If you somehow are only in an area where these are  the only things around, a nice wad of dry tallgrass works better than you might think.  Lots of edges on it to scrape away the wannabe dingleberries.  But make sure its a grass and not a small green plants or vines.

Once again: tree leaves or grass.  Just remember Walt Whitman when you're on the trail.  "Leaves of Grass"

[KSt8er]

I   have     never      frackin     ever    heard    of   standing     to     wipe?!?!?  I can't imagine this is even possible.   How in the hell do you get the cheeks out of the way?    No way.   Lean, access from the up side, wipe front to back (ONLY), repeat as necessary.   Oh, and this wet wipe talk, you are not implying that some of you dunk the paper in toilet water are you (either before or after flushing)?  That is just gross.   Man, had no idea there was anything other than one possible method. 

"I come up like a 5 year old eating a 100 degree snickers bar. "

This is pure gold.

[SkinnyBenny]

Does anyone cram their hand betwixt their legs to wipe and go from back to front?  (i.e. spine toward nuts?)  I once knew a guy who said something that indicated that this is how he operates.  I think it implies he'd have to lift all his bidness out da way.  Maybe he's been watching too many girls wipe after they pee?

Which brings up another question.

Over the course of a lifetime, who uses more toilet paper: Buoys or Gulls?  I'm inclined to say broads use more since they have to wipe every time they pee.  HOWEVER, that's forgetting to take into account that dudes undoubtedly consume a lot of TP over the course of their lives cleaning up spum after a nice jack sesh.  And also that I'm guessing women take tidier craps that require fewer rounds of wiping, especially because their asses aren't as hairy.  So I think that although you would initially think girls use more, it probably balances out with the male jizz mopping and bunghole disaster areas.

[Saulbadguy]

By far, the most superior toilet paper ever made.  The only thing that may be better is 1000 thread count egyptian cotton sheets.

[CatsNShocks]

Does anyone cram their hand betwixt their legs to wipe and go from back to front?  (i.e. spine toward nuts?)  I once knew a guy who said something that indicated that this is how he operates.  I think it implies he'd have to lift all his bidness out da way.  Maybe he's been watching too many girls wipe after they pee?

Which brings up another question.

Over the course of a lifetime, who uses more toilet paper: Buoys or Gulls?  I'm inclined to say broads use more since they have to wipe every time they pee.  HOWEVER, that's forgetting to take into account that dudes undoubtedly consume a lot of TP over the course of their lives cleaning up spum after a nice jack sesh.  And also that I'm guessing women take tidier craps that require fewer rounds of wiping, especially because their asses aren't as hairy.  So I think that although you would initially think girls use more, it probably balances out with the male jizz mopping and bunghole disaster areas.

Are you a politician?
I think my head just exploded.

[Oklahoma_Cat]

Does anyone cram their hand betwixt their legs to wipe and go from back to front?  (i.e. spine toward nuts?)  I once knew a guy who said something that indicated that this is how he operates.  I think it implies he'd have to lift all his bidness out da way.  Maybe he's been watching too many girls wipe after they pee

Actually, most if not all females wipe from front to back, not back to front, at least when dealing with poo.  back to front with a female can cause urinary tract infections.  That's some pretty low FWIQ

[powerof10]

I've had the unfortunate experience of having to crap in the woods on several occasions. I like to try to find a fallen tree I can sit on.  Works best if there's a place where there's a large branch so one cheek sits on the branch and one on the trunk.  A small tree also works to sit over to make sure the bunghole is over the back of it.  Thankfully I've never had the displeasure of having to squat and not go far enough so I crap in my pants dangled around my ankles.  Of course it never comes out as clean and easy nuggets after hiking and getting all hot and sweaty.  Pretty much forced to stand then. 

Of course, no TP out there.  Gotta be careful of what you grab in the woods.  Don't want any poison Ivy or stinging nettle!  I try to find large tree leaves. They're typically safe, especially if you recognize the trees like oak.  Pine needles or cedar: don't even think about it obviously.  If you somehow are only in an area where these are  the only things around, a nice wad of dry tallgrass works better than you might think.  Lots of edges on it to scrape away the wannabe dingleberries.  But make sure its a grass and not a small green plants or vines.

Once again: tree leaves or grass.  Just remember Walt Whitman when you're on the trail.  "Leaves of Grass"

Personally when I crap in the woods, I am usually hunting, and have a pocket knife....needless to say I could have about a whole drawer full of socks with the tops cut off to use as TP.  As far as finding a place to sh*t if I can find a tree to just lean my back up on and squat I am satisfied, you just gotta hope its not the squirts when that happens or you might be out a set of underwear and two tops of socks before your done.

[RonLongshaft]

I've had the unfortunate experience of having to crap in the woods on several occasions. I like to try to find a fallen tree I can sit on.  Works best if there's a place where there's a large branch so one cheek sits on the branch and one on the trunk.  A small tree also works to sit over to make sure the bunghole is over the back of it.  Thankfully I've never had the displeasure of having to squat and not go far enough so I crap in my pants dangled around my ankles.  Of course it never comes out as clean and easy nuggets after hiking and getting all hot and sweaty.  Pretty much forced to stand then. 

Of course, no TP out there.  Gotta be careful of what you grab in the woods.  Don't want any poison Ivy or stinging nettle!  I try to find large tree leaves. They're typically safe, especially if you recognize the trees like oak.  Pine needles or cedar: don't even think about it obviously.  If you somehow are only in an area where these are  the only things around, a nice wad of dry tallgrass works better than you might think.  Lots of edges on it to scrape away the wannabe dingleberries.  But make sure its a grass and not a small green plants or vines.

Once again: tree leaves or grass.  Just remember Walt Whitman when you're on the trail.  "Leaves of Grass"

grabbing a fence post works, i've seen bumbers and grill guards used also.

the weed know as velvetleaf works as a great, great butt whipe, its velvety(no crap) and a very large leaf

[SkinnyBenny]

"Pass blocking is like taking a dump in the woods."
-My brother's 8th grade offensive line coach

[RonLongshaft]

i stumbled across this....

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2008/03/07/silver-tag-100000-shower-will-wipe-your-butt-clean-in-no-time/

and it reminded me of this thread, then i found the proper way to wipe

http://kyo.fobby.net/butt.html

[FBWillie]

One time, at a friends house when I was young.  I sharted a huge amount in my whitey tighty's while sitting on a bean bag chair.  No one noticed so I tried to walk as non chalant as possible to the bathroom.  There, as if a nightmare were unfolding, I found zero toilet paper, and zero tissues.  I couldn't walk to a different bathroom because it was starting to run down my leg.  So, I took off my underwear, which was holding the steaming pile of shart.  I then took one of their hand towels and wiped off my inner legs and taint area.  I then put my underwear inside the towel and folded it all up and put it in the cabinet underneath their sink so it would take them a while to find it and I would be long gone.  

I never heard anything about it ever again.  

Jeremy?  You mother &@#%er.

[FBWillie]

I haven't had a solid one in years, so the key strategy is WET TP.  Or start eating Bran Flakes. 

stop drinking so much &@#%ing pop.   Drink nothing but water for a solid week and if your crap doesn't get hard, go to the doctor.

[FBWillie]

okay; after reading all of that crap.   Couple of things.   1.Sitter; both cheeks on the seat. 2. back to front... It's just more comfortable and it's not hard to push your nuts to the side and realize when to stop.
3.  Most awkward crap: I used to wake up like 6 am every morning in HS and go fishing in an aluminum boat.   I was back in a river of a very small lake when I got extremely sick to my stomache...  Had the cramps so bad it made your mouth water.   Leaned my ass over the side of the boat and sprayed a stream of brown water.  Couldn't find anything to wipe with as I was in a fishing boat, so I pulled my socks off.  Just as I was making the first wipe I heard a boat coming; Couldn't get it all put away in time and was caught with my pants around my ankles, ass over the boat, with a mustard orange stained sock in my hand.   

[McGrowlTowelZac]

  this thread.

these are the best, i use regular tp for a couple dry runs, and then finish up with one of these for a fresh, clean finish.

[prome05]

How do blind people know when to quit wiping?

[Skydog]

How do blind people know when to quit wiping?

Smell test.

[waks]

First time I've read this thread and I'm curious... has anyone ever used a bidet? I've always been interested in what it would be like. I imagine it's a lot like when you take a really heavy crap that makes the water come up and splash you. Can anyone confirm?

[SkinnyBenny]

Since it's almost New Year's, is this where I lobby to have this nominated as Thread of the Year?

I was once at a 4th of July Billy Madison "I'm the richest man in the world" party and the one room in the house we were not allowed into was the master bedroom.  Obviously I got tanked and decided that I play by nobody's rules but my own, so I went in and peeked in the bathroom that.....ta da!......featured a bidet.  And this bidet was gold-encrusted.  It was glorious. 

Just kidding, it was weird.  Using it was a wet and wild funky adventure, but not one that made me feel very comfy.  It made me proud to be an 'murrican.  And of course it's like splashback.  That's some pretty LG-EBIQ.

[SuperG]

Slightly off topic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McINyNKLXGk

[CatsNShocks]

Since it's almost New Year's, is this where I lobby to have this nominated as Thread of the Year?

I was once at a 4th of July Billy Madison "I'm the richest man in the world" party and the one room in the house we were not allowed into was the master bedroom.  Obviously I got tanked and decided that I play by nobody's rules but my own, so I went in and peeked in the bathroom that.....ta da!......featured a bidet.  And this bidet was gold-encrusted.  It was glorious. 

Just kidding, it was weird.  Using it was a wet and wild funky adventure, but not one that made me feel very comfy.  It made me proud to be an 'murrican.  And of course it's like splashback.  That's some pretty LG-EBIQ.

You can't nominate your own thread!
So I will...

I nominate this as the "Thread of the Year"
Is there a second....?

[ChokeSlam]

I used to work with this guy who took a poop every morning at 7:30.  There were a few times I was in there while he was doing it, and when he was done I heard him wipe.  Normally I don't pay any attention, but when he wiped it sounded like he was wiping back and forth or side to side really fast.  Maybe he just held the paper and  really fast, IDK.  It sounded like it would if you were trying to get a spot out of the carpet with toilet paper, which I guess in a way is what he was trying to do.  Anyone else wipe like this?

[ew2x4]

Does anyone else APOCT (Always Poop On Company Time) a couple times a day at work? Sometimes I go for 3. Half the time I just play solitaire on my phone.