(longest post ever, don't even care, some not funny but too lazy to edit out):
Blimpie has started supplying subs for Delta Airlines to serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta is giving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in its restaurants.
[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while 78 percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman. ... [crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman, so...now you don’t know what the hell to do, do ya?... No, I’m just kidding, we don’t hire women.
Was O.J. Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? “Absolutely not,” said Defense Attorney Johnny Cochran today, “and a simple test of any of O.J.’s blood found at the crime scene will prove it.”
A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions. The president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”
According to a recent study published in New Choices magazine, the more household chores a husband does, the more likely his wife is to report having good sex. The article explains that when a man does a substantial amount of housework, it gives his wife some time to go out and find a real man to have sex with.
And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth grade student whose child she bore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a “sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “The Greatest Teacher Ever.”
This week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres finally admitted that, yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? O.J. Simpson at two deaths a year.
This week, Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single “Cat Killer.”
And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, “What the hell is this?”
And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an adult film star. He has been signed to play himself in “The John Wayne Bobbitt Story.” The part of his severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore.
Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the United States because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was also rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic that she’ll get the OK to compete for The Republic of White-trash-istan.
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’s first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commanding officer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.” Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area’s leading political figures, attended by the city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.
Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer.
Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task force to determine whether federal campaign finance laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both. Another task force will attempt to determine whether Attorney General Reno is a man, a woman, or both.
On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbia on its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttle will feature the first space walk ever by a Japanese astronaut who will get to take in the unique perspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder if there’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture?
Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y chromosomes.
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the parents of the teenage babysitter with whom he had a five year affair decided not to pursue criminal charges. However, a lawyer for the babysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick, pathetic individual,” while the County District Attorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradle robber.” The only kind words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “an inspiration.”
At their annual convention this week, board members of the National Rifle Association narrowly elected actor Charlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gun lobby. According to Heston, his first priority will be a push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirty apes”!
On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine two hundred million positions per second, in the fourth game of their six game series. Earlier in the week, Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder in game two when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense that soon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, after Deep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantage with his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr. Kasparov...what the hell were you thinking?!
Late this week, President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part, Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he must do what is right for China.
In other entertainment news, a religious group in Chile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer film which features explicit lesbian sex scenes. According to the group, sex between two women is an abomination before God, almost as blasphemous as sex between a woman and David Copperfield.
In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafia turncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that John Gotti once considered trying to buy a presidential pardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano, however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involved with, quote, “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
According to O.J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, when O.J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!” Reached for comment, O.J. said, “My mom was just guessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”
This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball, there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice in sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking move today, all but one of the one hundred and twenty-five playing members of the Professional Golf Association have signed a petition to ban African-American golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]
Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail carrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his job and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent address. Postal officials admit that they could have let him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’t come back some day and shoot thirty people... So...they decided to be a little strict...
Jonathan Schmitz, the “Jenny Jones” guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. Well, I guess that plan backfired!
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: women can’t drive.
The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack.
In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakingly showed 5 minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network during an episode of “The Flintstones.” Experts say children who saw the episode called it “the best ‘Flintstones’ ever!”
Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, “It’s over.”
Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened—and it appears Simpson may already have won ten million dollars.
Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn’t commit suicide only because, “My mother told me you don’t go to heaven if you kill yourself.” Oddly, his mother did say, “It’s okay to kill other people.”
In an act of conciliation, China released eight political prisoners this week. But they made it clear that the other seventy-nine million would be executed without a trial...
Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jury which had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars in punitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”. Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said “I’m going to kill more people. What did you think I meant?”
Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire sentenced to death for killing a rooster, won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially off the hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the rooster in the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..
The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday, making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-Mart. Fellow Irish performer Sinead O’Connor was also on hand, but she works there.
In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to develop male sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno. [Photo of Janet Reno]
Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.
Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Mendendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife: legal; killing your parents: illegal.
In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.
Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tribute to the victims of the first atomic bomb, with music and singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City this week. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack who attended the premiere called the play, quote, “the most horrifying experience of my life”!
Well, Bart, the eighteen-hundred-pound bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly’s income goes toward the preservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.
And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’s will open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollar theme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket, pushes Play, and speaks into it] Note to self: start buying up land next to cereal theme park, then open Milk theme park...and watch the money roll in!...
It was revealed this week that defense lawyer Johnny Cochrane once abused his first wife. In his defense, Cochrane said, ”Hey at least I didn't kill her like some people I know.”
In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first O.J. trial.
At the box office, last week's No. 1 movie, 'The First Wives Club,' was knocked out of the top spot by the new film, “The Hotter, Younger, 2nd Wives Club.”
While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote, 'You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!' and then added, 'And I'm still voting for you.'
During a recent interview on '20/20,' longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he did add that had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife.
An independent study released this week confirms that President Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as minorities and Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman.
Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before, he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas: an attempt to kill 3 people at once.
In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.
In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.
Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O.J. Simpson demanded and got $500 in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non-murderer sections.
According to new medical studies, exposure to secondhand smoke dramatically increases a nonsmoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco company executives say the study proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that nonsmoking can kill you.
Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV station in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, “Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?”
Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah! It's called a grape!
Roseanne was married on Valentines Day, and gee, you know as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.
New medical research shows that man and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.
The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onasis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea, at the party, they had two cakes.
F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ron Goldman's last words where, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words where probably, ah, “Hey, you're OJ Simpson!”
Oh, no! O.J. has struck again! How 'bout that? [Picture of a headline that says, 'Fifth O.J. juror axed']
A recent study shows the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53%. And another study shows the number of teenagers who tell their friends that they're sexually active is holding steady at 100%.
And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that OJ Simpson did not appear angry before, or after, the period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her. Might have been... ah...
And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advises that men spend two months' salary on an engagement ring. Well, the American Housing Company suggests you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent. Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends you spend all your salary...on crack.
O.J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O.J. pointed out, quote, “Hey they’re still alive, aren't they?!!”
At a press conference this week, FAA officials studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800, announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank. According to the investigators, the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile. That'll fray a wire.
Golden State Warrior's star Latrell Sprewell, suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach, has hired attorney Johnny Cochran to represent him. At a press conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client did not choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers.
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale. An observer who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life. (Norm's last joke on Weekend Update)
I was watching House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt on C-SPAN, where he appeared to discuss the pros and cons of the line-item veto with Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, and they went on to have a spirited debate on subjects ranging from immigration reform to the balanced-budget amendment. It might have seemed to be a dry half-hour of political discourse to many viewers, but I found it most enjoyable. It should be noted, however, that I was receiving oral sex from a crack whore at the time.
Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes.
In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAQ. The reason for the sudden downturn? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
According to the EPA, it will cost an estimated $295 million to clean up toxic waste at the former Lockheed Martin Military Air Craft Plant in California. The cause of the toxic waste? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
In Princess Anne, Maryland, state health officials have discovered what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county fish farm. The culprit? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
Entertainment Weekly's list of the 101 World's Most Powerful People in Show Business is out. At number one, Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch. In second place? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
And, finally, the votes are in and Entertainment Weekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who is the Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it—Frank Stallone!... Congratulations, Frank Stallone!
Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probe orbiting Jupiter’s moon Europa suggest that it meets the conditions necessary to support a primitive life form. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it—Frank Stallone. [Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]
And finally, the #1 selling doll this Christmas is Tickle-Me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it—Tickle-Me Frank Stallone.
Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term as Germany’s chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl’s success was guaranteed after he won the backing of singing sensation David Hasselhoff... Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where his series “Baywatch” celebrated its 100th straight week as the nation’s top TV show. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearance on the hit show “Baywatch.” Now, my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German, which, while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time-tested theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicate that David Hasselhoff is a major recording star in that country, where his concerts routinely sell out and his albums turn platinum. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance at Disney World in Florida where they were mobbed by adoring fans. Which proves my new theory: German tourists love David Hasselhoff!
Interview with Norm MacDonald and David Hasselhoff:
Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news, one of the world’s biggest stars just completed a whirlwind three-week world tour. Tonight he’s agreed to come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you very much! [laughs at all the applause] My recent world tour was an incredible experience. I went to twenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I’ve got some amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance, I was invited to the state dinner at the Emperor’s Palace. What I didn’t know was the emp—
MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a second. Did you just say Japan?
Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.
MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, you know, but I don’t think anybody cares about Japan. Why don’t you, ah, why don’t you focus on the countries where you’re, you know, you’re popular?
Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had an incredible experience. The entire cast of “Baywatch” was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds of thousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison, “Baywatch, Ba—”
MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait. Chinese people?
Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.
MacDonald: Look, why don’t we skip China? In fact, rule out all of Asia.
Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean, what do you want to hear about? I mean, I’ve got some great stories from all over the world.
MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, you know, ah, some place where you’re especially popular, you know, like in, uh, Europe.
Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy—
MacDonald: Northern Europe, Northern Europe!
Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay. I got you. There’s one country that they absolutely love me: Norway.
MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?! They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damn about Norway! What the hell’s wrong with you?
Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what’s going on here? I’ve never seen you like this.
MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you the truth, you know, I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the—how do the Germans feel about ya?
Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, we actually didn’t stop in Germany—
MacDonald: I don’t care about your stupid trip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize—in one sentence—the way Germans feel about you.
Hasselhoff: Well, I’ve always been fortunate to get a very positive response from the Germans—
MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time for false modesty! We’re runnin’ late, we gotta wrap this thing up! Do Germans love you?
Hasselhoff: Well, “love” is an awfully strong word...
MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen, David, uh... Let’s say a guy had a theory, all right?
Hasselhoff: All right.
MacDonald: A theory that he’s devoted several years of his life to. And let’s say he has a lot of evidence to back up this theory of his.
Hasselhoff: All right.
MacDonald: [puts a large pile of documents, file folders, etc., on desk—Hasselhoff is stunned] Now, don’t you think it would just be common courtesy to help that guy out, you know, and not—not ruin his life?
Hasselhoff: Listen, I don’t know what you want me to say here, pal.
MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I’ll write it down. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one, scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives it to David] Here! Say this!
Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper] “Germans love me.”
[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beaming MacDonald who addresses the camera.]
MacDonald: Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers and applause.] And that’s the news! See you next time. Thank you, David.
