In my job I regularly get e-mails from insane people

[Chingon]

Thought I'd share them with you when I get them:

Here's one I got this morning.

Dear *********,
 
Advance your research with the knowledge of the Theory of Fundamental Substance.
The theory that unifies physics and reveals the determinism of the creation.
 
The theory  of Fundamental Substance proves

    *      the error of Gravitational Attraction and
    *      the error of the Theory of Relativity.

Consider of all the progress achieved during the last 350 years, having in mind, that our theoretical approach has been based on conceptual errors.
Think what can be done when we will base our research on the true knowledge of physical reality.

Today for the first time in the recorded history the medium and the forming actions of the creation are explained.

Please visit www.fundamental-substance.com

Best regards,
Vassilis Kostoulas

[ECN]

awesome. here's one:

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.12am
To: Staff
Subject: Coffee cups

Hi

There was twelve coffee cups left in the sink this morning. Could everyone please wash their coffee cups after using them.

Thanks, Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.19am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Coffee cups

Morning Shannon,

My apologies. Those coffee cups were mine. I am rather busy today so decided to have all of my coffee breaks at the one time this morning rather than taking twelve separate breaks throughout the day. I am currently experiencing severe heart palpitations but also typing at four hundred and seventy words per minute so should be able to knock off early.

Regards, David.



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.31am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Coffee cups

I was not saying they were all your coffee cups I was just saying that I should not have to wash twelve coffee cups when I don't even drink coffee. People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them.

Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.42am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee cups

Shannon,

You raise a valid and not at all uninteresting point. Perhaps you could construct some kind of chart. A roster system would enable us to work in an environment free of dirty coffee cups and put an end to any confusion regarding who the dirty coffee cup responsibility lies with.

David.



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.08pm
To: Staff
Subject: Kitchen Roster

Hi everyone. I have discussed a kitchen roster with David and feel it would be fair if we took it in turns to do the dishes. I have put the roster in the kitchen so everyone can remember. I am Monday morning and Wednesday and Friday afternoon. David is Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Lillian is Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon and Thomas is Tuesday afternoon and Friday morning.

Thanks, Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.22pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart

Shannon, I notice that you have colour coded the coffee cup cleaning chart. While I appreciate the creative effort that has gone into this roster, the light salmon colour you have chosen for my name is very effeminate. While I am sure you have not done this on purpose and are not inferring anything, I would appreciate you rectifying this immediately. Would it be possible to swap colours with Thomas as he has quite a nice dusty blue.

Thankyou, David



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.17pm
To: Staff
Subject: Updated kitchen roster

Hi. I have changed David's colour to blue on the kitchen roster. Thomas is now green.

Shan



From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: What the &@#%?

What the &@#% is this email from Shannon? I am not doing a &@#%ing kitchen roster. Was this your idea?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.38pm
To: Thomas
Cc: Shannon
Subject: Re: What the &@#%?

Thomas, do you feel it is fair that Shannon should have to wash everyone's coffee cups? Apparently this morning there were twelve coffee cups in the sink. I was going to schedule a staff board meeting this afternoon to discuss the issue but luckily Shannon has prepared a colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart for us rendering a staff meeting unnecessary. We should all thank Shannon for taking the initiative and creating a system that will empower us to efficiently schedule client meetings and work commitments around our designated coffee cup cleaning duties. If at any stage our rostered coffee cup cleaning commitments coincide with work requirements, we can simply hold the client meeting in the kitchen. We can wash while the clients dry. Today it may only be twelve coffee cups but tomorrow it could be several plates and a spoon and then where would we be?

David.



From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.56pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Kitchen stuff

Shannon, I do not need a chart telling me when to wash dishes. I am not going to stop in the middle of writing proposals to wash coffee cups. David is being a &@#%wit. I only use one coffee cup and I always rinse it out after I use it. If we have clients here and they use coffee cups then it is appreciated that you wash them as part of your job.



From: Lillian
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.06pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Kitchen stuff

What's this kitchen roster thing? Did you agree to this?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.09pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Shannon, can I swap my rostered coffee cup cleaning duty this afternoon for Thursday? I have been busy all day working, not looking at pictures of Johnny Depp on the internet, and not had time to familiarise myself with correct coffee cup cleaning requirements. I am happy to reschedule my meetings tomorrow to undertake a training session on dish washing detergent location and washcloth procedures with you if you have the time. I feel it would be quite helpful if prior to the training session you prepared some kind of Powerpoint presentation. Possibly with graphs. Will I need to bring my own rubber gloves or will these be provided?

David



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.20pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Whatever.

[jthutch]

awesome. here's one:

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.12am
To: Staff
Subject: Coffee cups

Hi

There was twelve coffee cups left in the sink this morning. Could everyone please wash their coffee cups after using them.

Thanks, Shan




From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.19am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Coffee cups

Morning Shannon,

My apologies. Those coffee cups were mine. I am rather busy today so decided to have all of my coffee breaks at the one time this morning rather than taking twelve separate breaks throughout the day. I am currently experiencing severe heart palpitations but also typing at four hundred and seventy words per minute so should be able to knock off early.

Regards, David.



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.31am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Coffee cups

I was not saying they were all your coffee cups I was just saying that I should not have to wash twelve coffee cups when I don't even drink coffee. People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them.

Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.42am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee cups

Shannon,

You raise a valid and not at all uninteresting point. Perhaps you could construct some kind of chart. A roster system would enable us to work in an environment free of dirty coffee cups and put an end to any confusion regarding who the dirty coffee cup responsibility lies with.

David.



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.08pm
To: Staff
Subject: Kitchen Roster

Hi everyone. I have discussed a kitchen roster with David and feel it would be fair if we took it in turns to do the dishes. I have put the roster in the kitchen so everyone can remember. I am Monday morning and Wednesday and Friday afternoon. David is Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Lillian is Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon and Thomas is Tuesday afternoon and Friday morning.

Thanks, Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.22pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart

Shannon, I notice that you have colour coded the coffee cup cleaning chart. While I appreciate the creative effort that has gone into this roster, the light salmon colour you have chosen for my name is very effeminate. While I am sure you have not done this on purpose and are not inferring anything, I would appreciate you rectifying this immediately. Would it be possible to swap colours with Thomas as he has quite a nice dusty blue.

Thankyou, David



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.17pm
To: Staff
Subject: Updated kitchen roster

Hi. I have changed David's colour to blue on the kitchen roster. Thomas is now green.

Shan



From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: What the frack?

What the frack is this email from Shannon? I am not doing a fracking kitchen roster. Was this your idea?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.38pm
To: Thomas
Cc: Shannon
Subject: Re: What the frack?

Thomas, do you feel it is fair that Shannon should have to wash everyone's coffee cups? Apparently this morning there were twelve coffee cups in the sink. I was going to schedule a staff board meeting this afternoon to discuss the issue but luckily Shannon has prepared a colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart for us rendering a staff meeting unnecessary. We should all thank Shannon for taking the initiative and creating a system that will empower us to efficiently schedule client meetings and work commitments around our designated coffee cup cleaning duties. If at any stage our rostered coffee cup cleaning commitments coincide with work requirements, we can simply hold the client meeting in the kitchen. We can wash while the clients dry. Today it may only be twelve coffee cups but tomorrow it could be several plates and a spoon and then where would we be?

David.



From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.56pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Kitchen stuff

Shannon, I do not need a chart telling me when to wash dishes. I am not going to stop in the middle of writing proposals to wash coffee cups. David is being a frackwit. I only use one coffee cup and I always rinse it out after I use it. If we have clients here and they use coffee cups then it is appreciated that you wash them as part of your job.



From: Lillian
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.06pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Kitchen stuff

What's this kitchen roster thing? Did you agree to this?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.09pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Shannon, can I swap my rostered coffee cup cleaning duty this afternoon for Thursday? I have been busy all day working, not looking at pictures of Johnny Depp on the internet, and not had time to familiarise myself with correct coffee cup cleaning requirements. I am happy to reschedule my meetings tomorrow to undertake a training session on dish washing detergent location and washcloth procedures with you if you have the time. I feel it would be quite helpful if prior to the training session you prepared some kind of Powerpoint presentation. Possibly with graphs. Will I need to bring my own rubber gloves or will these be provided?

David



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.20pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Whatever.

 

[dmartin]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

[ECN]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

cant. our company went 'green'

[Chingon]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

cant. our company went 'green'

So are you Dave?

He seems like a bit of an asshole to me, but if this Shannon lady has a history, his reaction is warranted.

[ECN]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

cant. our company went 'green'

So are you Dave?

He seems like a bit of an asshole to me, but if this Shannon lady has a history, his reaction is warranted.

im not 'Dave'. i hardly look like one either.

[Rick Daris]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

cant. our company went 'green'

So are you Dave?

He seems like a bit of an asshole to me, but if this Shannon lady has a history, his reaction is warranted.

im not 'Dave'. i hardly look like one either.

dave seems funny. also, was that whole thing real? like, is that really from your work?

[ECN]

a bit long. apologize. but i work with an australian who just recently got his citizenship finalized. i asked how the test was, and he said it was his 2nd outing taking it. i said, it cant be that hard. so he sends me this:

As you may know, Guy Sebastian studied at the Elder School of Music in Adelaide.
For 5 points, what is the circumference of his head?

A. Huge
B. Ridiculous
C. any bigger and it would require support pillars


QUESTION 2

In 1998, South Australian astronaut Dr Andy Thomas took part in a mission on the NASA space shuttle Endeavor that required he spend 141 days in space.
For 5 points, what was the relationship between Dr Smith and Will Robinson in lost in space?

A. Suspicious
B. Worrying
C. Special


QUESTION 3

Jimmy Barnes from Cold Chisel was born in Elizabeth, South Australia.
For 5 points, name the controversial abortion pill highlighted in media recently.


QUESTION 4

The Adelaide Football Club, The Crows, has the highest membership in AfL.
For 5 points, George Orwells ' novel 1984 can best be described as:

A. a nightmarish dystopia where an omnipresent state enforces conformity
B. Party totalitarianism through indoctrination and fear.
C. one of the most influential pieces of literature of the twentieth century


QUESTION 5
The Royal Adelaide Show receives the largest number of competitive entries in a show in the world.
For 5 points which is the scariest part of the royal adelaide show?

A. The ride that goes up and then round a bit.
B. That one that goes right over then stops.
C. The People operating the rides.


QUESTION 6

Makybe Diva was the name of the mare from Port Lincoln that made history by winning back-to-back Melbourne Cups.
For 5 points, the largest selling pet food product in Australia is:

A. Snappy Tom
B. Lucky Dog
C. Pal


QUESTION 7
Golden Grove was awarded the International Real Estate Federation Award in 1998 that named it the “World’s Best New Residential Development.
For 5 points, what is the most popular garden decoration?

A. concrete
B. car bodies
C. Pot plants taken from other suburbs


QUESTION 8
Humphey B. Bear, A much-loved Australian children’s TV character starred in more than 3,000 episodes filmed in South Australia.
For 5 points, the show was cancelled because:

A. Humphrey wasn’t wearing pants
B. it was boring
C. Didn’t involve a japanese character who collects monsters


QUESTION 9
Coopers Brewery is Australia’s sole remaining family-owned brewery, now in its fourth generation? For 5 points, how many pints would you have to drink to find Thomas attractive.

A. 25
B. 50
C. hook me up to a drip.


QUESTION 10
Monarto Zoological Park is the only one in Australia to have successfully bred cheetahs in captivity. For 5 points, when driving through monarto park do you:

A. See an exciting range of exotic animals
B. wonder where the animals are
C. wonder whats on tv


QUESTION 11
Balfours produce 15,000 meat pies per hour from their Dudley Park factory in South Australia. For 5 points, approximately how many different animals are in each pie?

A. 10+
B. 20+
C. the missing animals from monarto zoological park


QUESTION 12
South Australian designer, Gerry Wedd’s designs have been associated with internationally recognised Australian clothing label Mambo.
For 5 points, how many designers does it take to change a lightglobe?

A. 1
B. 1 designer but four days of production meetings
C. 'im not changing anything'.


QUESTION 13
Adelaide Festival Centre workshops created the system for Nikki Webster to ‘fly’ during the opening ceremony of the 2000 Sydney Olympics.
For 5 points, nicki webster should also have taken part in:

A. Skeet shooting
B. Javelin
C. Archery
D. All of the above as a target

[ECN]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

cant. our company went 'green'

So are you Dave?

He seems like a bit of an asshole to me, but if this Shannon lady has a history, his reaction is warranted.

im not 'Dave'. i hardly look like one either.

dave seems funny. also, was that whole thing real? like, is that really from your work?

its real. he has a website which he frequents to, and writes on.

[ECN]

the dude is really funny. and i appreciate the stuff he sends.

seems bizarre and fake, but its not.

[dr00d]

twitter -crapmydadsays

add him.

edit: stupid filter - it's supposed to be sh1t, not crap

[jeffy]

someone needs some styrophone cups, like now.

cant. our company went 'green'

Most styrofoam is recyclable now.

[FelixRex]

Srsly got this email from a chick that works for me today (she was complaining about a problematic laptop battery):

Can you call IT for me? It went down on me like three times over the holiday and I really want a fresh one.