I WAS a weird freak. I converted to sitting 8 years ago and have never looked back.
Saul is prepared for every contingency!!1! :eek:Thankfully, I have never had to use the RED ALERT strategies. Those are just worst case scenarios. I've thought about every other possible scenario and those two seem to cover them all.
Saul is prepared for every contingency!!1! :eek:Thankfully, I have never had to use the RED ALERT strategies. Those are just worst case scenarios. I've thought about every other possible scenario and those two seem to cover them all.
Wiping -
Sitting down, front to back. I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume. If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel. Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.
Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe. Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper. I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.
Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room. Also paper towels usually work. If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do. I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.
RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:
1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself. Air dry as best as possible. This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties. If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.
2. Take off pants, and underwear. Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day.
:flush:
Wiping -
Sitting down, front to back. I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume. If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel. Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.
Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe. Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper. I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.
Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room. Also paper towels usually work. If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do. I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.
RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:
1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself. Air dry as best as possible. This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties. If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.
2. Take off pants, and underwear. Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day.
:flush:
Excellent.Wiping -
Sitting down, front to back. I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume. If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel. Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.
Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe. Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper. I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.
Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room. Also paper towels usually work. If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do. I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.
RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:
1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself. Air dry as best as possible. This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties. If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.
2. Take off pants, and underwear. Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day.
:flush:
in red alert #2 a sock can also be very useful, if you sporting tube socks rip off the tubing and cinch your shoe down extra tight. its a little awkward the rest of the day but better than swamp ass and crap stink
im a sitter. im also a back to fronter, and no i do not smear poopie all over my balls or my taint, it takes little to no talent to pull off after you have covered all the ground you need to make a successful wipe.
i do have a question though. how many times do you wipe? do you just do it once, twice, or do you keep at it until you feel all is clean and you can go about you day? i personally do the all clean, but i know a girl who told me she just does it once and that is all girls need to do cause they dont have the juices ones that can cause dingleberries like males do. :flush:
One time, at a friends house when I was young. I sharted a huge amount in my whitey tighty's while sitting on a bean bag chair. No one noticed so I tried to walk as non chalant as possible to the bathroom. There, as if a nightmare were unfolding, I found zero toilet paper, and zero tissues. I couldn't walk to a different bathroom because it was starting to run down my leg. So, I took off my underwear, which was holding the steaming pile of shart. I then took one of their hand towels and wiped off my inner legs and taint area. I then put my underwear inside the towel and folded it all up and put it in the cabinet underneath their sink so it would take them a while to find it and I would be long gone.
I never heard anything about it ever again. :scared:
This thread is too lol for work :lol: :users: :lol:
Glad I'm never having kids
Glad I'm never having kids
and mrs dave sez?
Thought the stand up wipe was just a kid thing but had an incident at work to make believe otherwise. So, one day I'm at work taking a dump in the office crapter. (Hate that btw, usually will wait to go home at lunch.) Anyhoo, I'm using the handicap stall because it's much roomier and people can't really tell who's in there because of how it's constructed and low and behold someone comes in and gets in the stall next to me. (There are only two stalls.) I'm all :curse: (ftp://:curse:)because that's just not cool. Well, the guy is like done in a minute but I see from his feet that he gets up, turns to the toilet and starts wiping. I'm thinking :confused: (ftp://:confused:)wtf? To make it worse, after he's done wiping, he gets closer to the toilet and takes a little squirt. Then I'm really :confused: (ftp://:confused:). I do a shoe check because I have to find out who the quad is in our office. Walk around all day barging in to as many offices as possible to try and find this guy and pick his brain. Never find him. I'm kind of thankful in a way but always thought that that dude would have some stories to tell.
Story #2 is about my 3 1/2 old son. He has been potty trained for around 6 months. Didn't have any problem in the cross over. Anyway, when he is done taking a dump, he will call for Dad to come wipe him. I'll walk in the bathroom and he'll be on all fours with his ass in the air all ready for his cleaning. I've never had a problem with this because he is in the process of doing it himself but have always thought to myself; "wouldn't it be nice if life was always this easy, having someone wipe your butt for you on a daily basis." Then I think. "Yep, I bet this is how rich Saudi oil barons' live."
Still think this is a weird thread.
This thread is too lol for work :lol: :users: :lol:
That is very true. People keep walking by and giving me funny looks.
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Thoughts -
Is there nothing worst than being in dress clothes and having to take a crap in a bathroom with no air conditioning, on a 105 degree day? That is the very definition of hell.
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
I can only guess that he was just hoping to foster more conversation with that little nugget. Probably deserves a thread of its own if he's serious.
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
I can only guess that he was just hoping to foster more conversation with that little nugget. Probably deserves a thread of its own if he's serious.
Gross imHo. You ever taste? Because you're pretty close right there.
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
I can only guess that he was just hoping to foster more conversation with that little nugget. Probably deserves a thread of its own if he's serious.
Gross imHo. You ever taste? Because you're pretty close right there.
I'll walk in the bathroom and he'll be on all fours with his ass in the air all ready for his cleaning.
Still think this is a weird thread.
No doubt. This is how they teach them to do it at his "Christian" daycare. Sweet Jesus, what have I done?? Does make me feel better knowing it's an all female staff. I think.I'll walk in the bathroom and he'll be on all fours with his ass in the air all ready for his cleaning.
Bro you have got to wean your boy of this habit ASAP!!
No doubt. This is how they teach them to do it at his "Christian" daycare. Sweet Jesus, what have I done?? Does make me feel better knowing it's an all female staff. I think.I'll walk in the bathroom and he'll be on all fours with his ass in the air all ready for his cleaning.
Bro you have got to wean your boy of this habit ASAP!!
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
I can only guess that he was just hoping to foster more conversation with that little nugget. Probably deserves a thread of its own if he's serious.
Gross imHo. You ever taste? Because you're pretty close right there.
That's just nasty dude. Taste?? No way. More people do it than care to admit it. I also like so smear it on the walls.
Ahhh yes, chimp humor. :thumbsup: (ftp://:thumbsup:)Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
I can only guess that he was just hoping to foster more conversation with that little nugget. Probably deserves a thread of its own if he's serious.
Gross imHo. You ever taste? Because you're pretty close right there.
That's just nasty dude. Taste?? No way. More people do it than care to admit it. I also like so smear it on the walls.
Alright here's where the KK finally LOLL'D
Sit, front to back, smell tp, repeat as needed.
Is that common? I have never done that.
I can only guess that he was just hoping to foster more conversation with that little nugget. Probably deserves a thread of its own if he's serious.
Gross imHo. You ever taste? Because you're pretty close right there.
That's just nasty dude. Taste?? No way. More people do it than care to admit it. I also like so smear it on the walls.
Alright here's where the KK finally LOLL'D
Everybody, first of all: you're welcome.
Second, I have never thought of this wet TP thing. I feel like I typically do a pretty decent job myself with the dry stuff so why should I carry around a bunch of wet naps?
Everybody, first of all: you're welcome.Wet toilet paper just disintegrates, I have no idea what these a'holes are talking about.
Second, I have never thought of this wet TP thing. I feel like I typically do a pretty decent job myself with the dry stuff so why should I carry around a bunch of wet naps?
Everybody, first of all: you're welcome.
Second, I have never thought of this wet TP thing. I feel like I typically do a pretty decent job myself with the dry stuff so why should I carry around a bunch of wet naps?
Use one after you're finished with the dry stuff and you'll see why.
Everybody, first of all: you're welcome.Wet toilet paper just disintegrates, I have no idea what these a'holes are talking about.
Second, I have never thought of this wet TP thing. I feel like I typically do a pretty decent job myself with the dry stuff so why should I carry around a bunch of wet naps?
Everybody, first of all: you're welcome.Wet toilet paper just disintegrates, I have no idea what these a'holes are talking about.
Second, I have never thought of this wet TP thing. I feel like I typically do a pretty decent job myself with the dry stuff so why should I carry around a bunch of wet naps?
Not wet TP, flushable wet wipes. They're like an angel licking your butthole clean.
I'll walk in the bathroom and he'll be on all fours with his ass in the air all ready for his cleaning.
you better break that habit. im not real sure that would go over so well with the friends in about 15 years as just a standing wipe would
The trick? Crank up DVDA's "America! frack Yeah!" in your headphones, close your eyes, drown out the outside world, and drop mad chocolate bombz like never before.
This thread is too lol for work :lol: :users: :lol:
That is very true. People keep walking by and giving me funny looks.
I'm frickin' crying...keep it up.
I kinda hover, back to front, keep "workin' it" til it's clean...with visual inspections to confirm. Even if that means wetting one down once in awhile.
Now when you all say "sit down," do you mean both cheeks on the seat?I'm a southpaw so I lift my left cheek. Pretty much thought this is how any normal person would do their wiping. Also, the wiping til white t.p. is how I approach the matter.
I'm a leaner...lift up the right cheek and head in through the side.
Def. front to back. Seems more hygenic. I just go until there is no more brown power.
Here's another question for the topic at hand...(maybe deserves another thread?)
Courtesy flush? I say YES.
Does anyone cram their hand betwixt their legs to wipe and go from back to front? (i.e. spine toward nuts?) I once knew a guy who said something that indicated that this is how he operates. I think it implies he'd have to lift all his bidness out da way. Maybe he's been watching too many girls wipe after they pee?
Which brings up another question.
Over the course of a lifetime, who uses more toilet paper: Buoys or Gulls? I'm inclined to say broads use more since they have to wipe every time they pee. HOWEVER, that's forgetting to take into account that dudes undoubtedly consume a lot of TP over the course of their lives cleaning up spum after a nice jack sesh. And also that I'm guessing women take tidier craps that require fewer rounds of wiping, especially because their asses aren't as hairy. So I think that although you would initially think girls use more, it probably balances out with the male jizz mopping and bunghole disaster areas.
Does anyone cram their hand betwixt their legs to wipe and go from back to front? (i.e. spine toward nuts?) I once knew a guy who said something that indicated that this is how he operates. I think it implies he'd have to lift all his bidness out da way. Maybe he's been watching too many girls wipe after they pee
I've had the unfortunate experience of having to crap in the woods on several occasions. I like to try to find a fallen tree I can sit on. Works best if there's a place where there's a large branch so one cheek sits on the branch and one on the trunk. A small tree also works to sit over to make sure the bunghole is over the back of it. Thankfully I've never had the displeasure of having to squat and not go far enough so I crap in my pants dangled around my ankles. Of course it never comes out as clean and easy nuggets after hiking and getting all hot and sweaty. Pretty much forced to stand then.
Of course, no TP out there. Gotta be careful of what you grab in the woods. Don't want any poison Ivy or stinging nettle! I try to find large tree leaves. They're typically safe, especially if you recognize the trees like oak. Pine needles or cedar: don't even think about it obviously. If you somehow are only in an area where these are the only things around, a nice wad of dry tallgrass works better than you might think. Lots of edges on it to scrape away the wannabe dingleberries. But make sure its a grass and not a small green plants or vines.
Once again: tree leaves or grass. Just remember Walt Whitman when you're on the trail. "Leaves of Grass"
I've had the unfortunate experience of having to crap in the woods on several occasions. I like to try to find a fallen tree I can sit on. Works best if there's a place where there's a large branch so one cheek sits on the branch and one on the trunk. A small tree also works to sit over to make sure the bunghole is over the back of it. Thankfully I've never had the displeasure of having to squat and not go far enough so I crap in my pants dangled around my ankles. Of course it never comes out as clean and easy nuggets after hiking and getting all hot and sweaty. Pretty much forced to stand then.
Of course, no TP out there. Gotta be careful of what you grab in the woods. Don't want any poison Ivy or stinging nettle! I try to find large tree leaves. They're typically safe, especially if you recognize the trees like oak. Pine needles or cedar: don't even think about it obviously. If you somehow are only in an area where these are the only things around, a nice wad of dry tallgrass works better than you might think. Lots of edges on it to scrape away the wannabe dingleberries. But make sure its a grass and not a small green plants or vines.
Once again: tree leaves or grass. Just remember Walt Whitman when you're on the trail. "Leaves of Grass"
One time, at a friends house when I was young. I sharted a huge amount in my whitey tighty's while sitting on a bean bag chair. No one noticed so I tried to walk as non chalant as possible to the bathroom. There, as if a nightmare were unfolding, I found zero toilet paper, and zero tissues. I couldn't walk to a different bathroom because it was starting to run down my leg. So, I took off my underwear, which was holding the steaming pile of shart. I then took one of their hand towels and wiped off my inner legs and taint area. I then put my underwear inside the towel and folded it all up and put it in the cabinet underneath their sink so it would take them a while to find it and I would be long gone.Jeremy? You mother &@#%er.
I never heard anything about it ever again. :scared:
I haven't had a solid one in years, so the key strategy is WET TP. Or start eating Bran Flakes.
How do blind people know when to quit wiping?
Since it's almost New Year's, is this where I lobby to have this nominated as Thread of the Year?
I was once at a 4th of July Billy Madison "I'm the richest man in the world" party and the one room in the house we were not allowed into was the master bedroom. Obviously I got tanked and decided that I play by nobody's rules but my own, so I went in and peeked in the bathroom that.....ta da!......featured a bidet. And this bidet was gold-encrusted. It was glorious.
Just kidding, it was weird. Using it was a wet and wild funky adventure, but not one that made me feel very comfy. It made me proud to be an 'murrican. And of course it's like splashback. That's some pretty LG-EBIQ.
I used to work with this guy who took a poop every morning at 7:30. There were a few times I was in there while he was doing it, and when he was done I heard him wipe. Normally I don't pay any attention, but when he wiped it sounded like he was wiping back and forth or side to side really fast. Maybe he just held the paper and :bootyshake: really fast, IDK. It sounded like it would if you were trying to get a spot out of the carpet with toilet paper, which I guess in a way is what he was trying to do. Anyone else wipe like this?
Does anyone else APOCT (Always Poop On Company Time) a couple times a day at work? Sometimes I go for 3. Half the time I just play solitaire on my phone.
I used to work with this guy who took a poop every morning at 7:30. There were a few times I was in there while he was doing it, and when he was done I heard him wipe. Normally I don't pay any attention, but when he wiped it sounded like he was wiping back and forth or side to side really fast. Maybe he just held the paper and :bootyshake: really fast, IDK. It sounded like it would if you were trying to get a spot out of the carpet with toilet paper, which I guess in a way is what he was trying to do. Anyone else wipe like this?
I'm kind of lost on this one. I've never listened or really had an interest in listening to anyone wipe themselves. Could you please elaborate on the different sounds there are with each kind of wiping? :whistle1: (ftp://:whistle1:)
Does anyone else APOCT (Always Poop On Company Time) a couple times a day at work? Sometimes I go for 3. Half the time I just play solitaire on my phone.
I have a couple of questions for you.
1) When you go to the crapter, do you walk by people who know that you'll be taking a dump? This has always been one of my draw backs of the work poop. It's like everybody knows I just took a crap and that makes me feel weird.
2) What could you possibly eat that would cause you to crap 2-3 times a day?
3) Is it easy for you to take a dump virtually anywhere? Like a Taco Bell, Church, or Dr.'s office?
4) Does your phone have other games on it?