You wake up in the middle of the night with a girl and you have to fart...

[The1BigWillie]

What do you do, assuming she's in some stage of sleep?

A. Sneak it out slow and little bit a time?
B. Get out of bed go to the bathroom and pee/fart?
C. Just blow ass?
D. Hold it 'til morning?


I typically chose A or B depending on how much I care and how drunk I am.  On option B the other night I made my way to the bathroom (stepped on her dog's tail a little but no harm) and went pee. Unfortunately the fart was a 3 phase ripper that was probably loud enough for her to hear.  Not sure if she did.  

Side note: Anyone ever do A and it smells so bad you're worried she'll wake up?  If so would you also blame it on her?  

 

Winters you can't participate but feel free to read and learn.  Half of you are probably virgins too so just pretend you've been in bed with an actual girl.

BMW, farting in bed with a guy is no big deal so you can just move along.

[Stupid Fitz]

A- before I was married
B- too much work
C- after I married
D- you will die

[pissclams]

dutch oven

[KITNfury]

To women: learn to love a man's gas.

[The1BigWillie]

I had a live in a few years ago.  I pretended to be asleep and cut a loud fart right on her leg.  She punched me in the back four or five times.  I still never budged.  Still asleep.  About 15 seconds later the smell hit her and she clawed the crap out of my back and I think she may have been crying a little.  I never moved a muscle.  I just took the pain.  Totally worth it. 

[TAFNA Dude]

I never hold back.  I have however, become a master of farting silently.  If in a group of people, very easy to blame someone else.

As far as the woman, I fart in front of her.  Sometimes I fart under the covers and force her head under just for my amusement.  Afterwards I blame her for stinking up our bed when I'm trying to get to sleep.

[Dirty Sanchez]

dutch oven

this

[RonLongshaft]

to many variables to discuss

[Thin Blue Line]

dutch oven

+ Infinity

[nicname]

I never hold back.  I have however, become a master of farting silently.  If in a group of people, very easy to blame someone else.

As far as the woman, I fart in front of her.  Sometimes I fart under the covers and force her head under just for my amusement.  Afterwards I blame her for stinking up our bed when I'm trying to get to sleep.

+1000

Making the woman smell your farts in bed is one of the top 5 things about a relationship, also crapping with the door wide open.

[Kat Kid]

really depends bigs.  I'd say that if you are going to see her or any of her friends again, you gotta play some D.  Otherwise, blame the booze and be a pig.  Worth it and who the hell cares.  If she loves it, she may have earned an extended stay, if she bolts, laugh.

[ew2x4]

A- before I was married
B- too much work
C- after I married
D- you will die

Pretty much.

[jthutch]

Let it fly and blame it on the dog.

[Saulbadguy]

I got sick trying "D" once.  Was in a dorm room of a girl I had just started dating (haymaker) and I did slip out a couple of times to go to the bathroom to pee/fart. Had to go over to the boys part, that was awkward. I do remember in one of the stalls they had a magazine holder and someone had written over it "whoever stole my hot rod magazine is a bastard", I lol'd. 

[purplebybirth]

this whole thread is making me lol, but seriously, wtf is the deal when you're with a girl... nearing the goal line of the hook up and your torso suddenly develops a psi of about three million.

i literally had to get up and walk around awkwardly once, acting like i was "really thirsty" (come on, it was the best i could think of at the time). so i went to the sink, got some water, walked around. started sweating, had the chills, did the buttcheek squeeze dance (but kept it subtle),  you know how it goes....     eventually i got the courage to go to the bathroom, but didn't have the balls to drop the epic sh*t that i had coming... it could have ruined everything i had worked so hard for. so i just took a piss, hoping that it would somehow help the pressure inside of me.

and then come the stomach growls. there was a fracking animal living inside of me, and i had to play it off somehow by saying that i was hungry. although these weren't "my stomach's empty" growls, these were absolute "storm's a brewin" growls.  and they didn't stop.  i deserve a nobel prize for playing this kind of thing off.

in summation, this particular episode didn't end in disaster, but it didn't exactly end with a touchdown. i now try to alleviate the bowels thoroughly before putting myself into any situation that might end like this.

[Panjandrum]

this whole thread is making me lol, but seriously, wtf is the deal when you're with a girl... nearing the goal line of the hook up and your torso suddenly develops a psi of about three million.

i literally had to get up and walk around awkwardly once, acting like i was "really thirsty" (come on, it was the best i could think of at the time). so i went to the sink, got some water, walked around. started sweating, had the chills, did the buttcheek squeeze dance (but kept it subtle),  you know how it goes....     eventually i got the courage to go to the bathroom, but didn't have the balls to drop the epic sh*t that i had coming... it could have ruined everything i had worked so hard for. so i just took a piss, hoping that it would somehow help the pressure inside of me.

and then come the stomach growls. there was a fracking animal living inside of me, and i had to play it off somehow by saying that i was hungry. although these weren't "my stomach's empty" growls, these were absolute "storm's a brewin" growls.  and they didn't stop.  i deserve a nobel prize for playing this kind of thing off.

in summation, this particular episode didn't end in disaster, but it didn't exactly end with a touchdown. i now try to alleviate the bowels thoroughly before putting myself into any situation that might end like this.

This is a cautionary tale that every father should share with his son.

 

[Dirty Sanchez]

this whole thread is making me lol, but seriously, wtf is the deal when you're with a girl... nearing the goal line of the hook up and your torso suddenly develops a psi of about three million.

i literally had to get up and walk around awkwardly once, acting like i was "really thirsty" (come on, it was the best i could think of at the time). so i went to the sink, got some water, walked around. started sweating, had the chills, did the buttcheek squeeze dance (but kept it subtle),  you know how it goes....     eventually i got the courage to go to the bathroom, but didn't have the balls to drop the epic sh*t that i had coming... it could have ruined everything i had worked so hard for. so i just took a piss, hoping that it would somehow help the pressure inside of me.

and then come the stomach growls. there was a fracking animal living inside of me, and i had to play it off somehow by saying that i was hungry. although these weren't "my stomach's empty" growls, these were absolute "storm's a brewin" growls.  and they didn't stop.  i deserve a nobel prize for playing this kind of thing off.

in summation, this particular episode didn't end in disaster, but it didn't exactly end with a touchdown. i now try to alleviate the bowels thoroughly before putting myself into any situation that might end like this.

Perhaps she wanted a hot carl.  Never know until you ask.

[Thin Blue Line]

this whole thread is making me lol, but seriously, wtf is the deal when you're with a girl... nearing the goal line of the hook up and your torso suddenly develops a psi of about three million.

i literally had to get up and walk around awkwardly once, acting like i was "really thirsty" (come on, it was the best i could think of at the time). so i went to the sink, got some water, walked around. started sweating, had the chills, did the buttcheek squeeze dance (but kept it subtle),  you know how it goes....     eventually i got the courage to go to the bathroom, but didn't have the balls to drop the epic sh*t that i had coming... it could have ruined everything i had worked so hard for. so i just took a piss, hoping that it would somehow help the pressure inside of me.

and then come the stomach growls. there was a fracking animal living inside of me, and i had to play it off somehow by saying that i was hungry. although these weren't "my stomach's empty" growls, these were absolute "storm's a brewin" growls.  and they didn't stop.  i deserve a nobel prize for playing this kind of thing off.

in summation, this particular episode didn't end in disaster, but it didn't exactly end with a touchdown. i now try to alleviate the bowels thoroughly before putting myself into any situation that might end like this.

Perhaps she wanted a hot carl.  Never know until you ask.

Interpret for us old folks?

[Dirty Sanchez]

this whole thread is making me lol, but seriously, wtf is the deal when you're with a girl... nearing the goal line of the hook up and your torso suddenly develops a psi of about three million.

i literally had to get up and walk around awkwardly once, acting like i was "really thirsty" (come on, it was the best i could think of at the time). so i went to the sink, got some water, walked around. started sweating, had the chills, did the buttcheek squeeze dance (but kept it subtle),  you know how it goes....     eventually i got the courage to go to the bathroom, but didn't have the balls to drop the epic sh*t that i had coming... it could have ruined everything i had worked so hard for. so i just took a piss, hoping that it would somehow help the pressure inside of me.

and then come the stomach growls. there was a fracking animal living inside of me, and i had to play it off somehow by saying that i was hungry. although these weren't "my stomach's empty" growls, these were absolute "storm's a brewin" growls.  and they didn't stop.  i deserve a nobel prize for playing this kind of thing off.

in summation, this particular episode didn't end in disaster, but it didn't exactly end with a touchdown. i now try to alleviate the bowels thoroughly before putting myself into any situation that might end like this.

Perhaps she wanted a hot carl.  Never know until you ask.

Interpret for us old folks?

I was referring to definition 1

1.    Hot Carl/Karl    281 up, 39 down love it hate it
   
A Hot Carl is the act of defacating on someones face. A Warm Carl is defacating on their face whilst covered by plastic wrap. A Cold Carl is defacating on a glass table while someone lies below.
Suzie prefered Warm Carl's. "Less clean up afterward.", she said knowingly. John prefered giving Hot Carl's. "If there's no mess, what's the point?" Lucy liked the added security of the glass provided during a Cold Carl. "I just like watching it come out! Fascinating!"
by Brownson Pincheau Jan 7, 2005 share this
2.    Hot Carl/Karl    13 up, 153 down love it hate it
   
1. an enema with cheap red wine, usually Carlo Rossi Merlot.

2. squirting a red wine enema into another's face for one or both person's sexual gratification.
1- John: Man I am pooped I really need a drink.
Dan: Drink, nah I think what you need is a Hot Carl/Karl.
John: Hot dag, get the turkey baster bartender Hot Carls for the house!
House: Yeaaah

[Thin Blue Line]

You need to seek help. Really.

[RonLongshaft]

forgot about this until it happened again this morning. you wake up fart, thinking youre alone then roll over and remember youre not.

[michigancat]

One time I farted in my sleep, and the smell was so awful that it woke me up.  I was like, "man, hope the wife doesn't smell it".  Like 10 seconds later, I hear "WTF is that f*cking smell??@!?!?"  I pretended I was asleep.

[Cole]

i've learned if you force a fart out than it's gonna make noise and be loud but if you let it come out naturally then it doesn't make a sound. just a heads up.

[SkinnyBenny]

As I read this I am doing two things:

1) LOL'ing 4 seriouz
B) Sitting on the toilet, eliminating, because I'm about to go over to my new girlfriend's house and I don't want to do tonight what I did the second night we were sleeping together.  See gang, I had rolled over in my sleep and I guess she was kind of up against my back.  I was the little spoon, which I know is totally   but the position was arranged in my sleep so I am okay with it I guess.  I woke up (nude) right in the middle of blasting some gigant ass gas right on her (equally nude) legs.  It was a huge fart, d00dz.  I mean, it woke me up, for Frank's sake.  She punched me in the back.  I groggily turned around and looked at her and eeked out a sleepy, "did I just fart on your legs?"  She confirmed, and then all I could think to do in my sleepy state was point a finger in her face and yell, ".....that's what YOU get!" Then I rolled over and went back to bed.  It was very awkward between us all of the next day.  I was all   about bringing it up.

[The42Yardstick]

Perhaps she wanted a hot carl.

Widdly widdly widdly widdly widdly wiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhh

[The1BigWillie]

point a finger in her face and yell, ".....you can deal with THAT!"

Jesus... THAT is &@#%ing brilliant.  Way to think on your feet!!   

[Thin Blue Line]

As I read this I am doing two things:

1) LOL'ing 4 seriouz
B) Sitting on the toilet, eliminating, because I'm about to go over to my new girlfriend's house and I don't want to do tonight what I did the second night we were sleeping together.  See gang, I had rolled over in my sleep and I guess she was kind of up against my back.  I was the little spoon, which I know is totally  but the position was arranged in my sleep so I am okay with it I guess.  I woke up (nude) right in the middle of blasting some gigant ass gas right on her (equally nude) legs.  It was a huge fart, d00dz.  I mean, it woke me up, for Frank's sake.  She punched me in the back.  I groggily turned around and looked at her and eeked out a sleepy, "did I just fart on your legs?"  She confirmed, and then all I could think to do in my sleepy state was point a finger in her face and yell, ".....you can deal with THAT!" Then I rolled over and went back to bed.  It was very awkward between us all of the next day.  I was all  about bringing it up.

Skinny, I laughed so hard, I think I crap myself!

[SkinnyBenny]

I did it again last night, you guys.   

This time I said, "I think you're just going to have to resign yourself to the fact that I am a gassy individual," and fell right back asleep.

[jeffy]

You just need to eat more sauerkraut and fried cheese, so that it comes out in a much more silent fashion.

[SkinnyBenny]

I couldn't possibly eat more sauerkraut and fried cheese.