Let's Talk About Wiping.

[SkinnyBenny]

When I was 17 I was watching a TV Funhouse skit where a kid wiped sitting down.  I remarked to my friends, "did that kid just wipe sitting down?"  Then my two friends, sitting on either side of me, eeevvverrrr sssoooo ssssllloooowwwwlllllyyyyy turned to each other wide-eyed and then asked me in disbelief, "you DON'T??"  It rocked my world when I found out that not everybody on the planet actually stood to wipe their bungholes.  I've been called Stander ever since by those two guys. 

I went home, nearly belligerently drunk, and called out my dad.  "HOW COULD YOU TEACH ME TO WIPE STANDING UP?  ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE CALLING ME STANDER NOW!"  At which point he stowed his anger that I'd come home drunk long enough to suppress a chuckle and eek out a, "you wipe standing up???"  I was shocked.  Jmlynch1 insisted to me that "a lot" of people wipe with that awkward hover/stand thing, though all the times my friends have told other people of my embarrassing first 17 years, the listeners have been blown away that anybody would ever think to wipe standing.  I mean, I'm sure SOME do, but I'd say there's an overwhelming majority that wipe sitting down.

So what is it?  How do you wipe?  Back to front or front to back?  Do you sit or do you stand/sorta squat?  And if you stand/sorta squat, do you think years and years of this has strengthened your quads?

[ksuno1stunner]

You must be some kind of weird freak.  I sit.

[SkinnyBenny]

I WAS a weird freak.  I converted to sitting 8 years ago and have never looked back.

[cyclist]

I WAS a weird freak.  I converted to sitting 8 years ago and have never looked back.

At least you don't wipe Mangina style...

[cireksu]

my roomates and I used to argue/mock eachother about this.  2 were standers, 4 of US were sitters.

no way you can get it clean standing.

[Kat Kid]

worst wipe story?  Some crappy town in France.  It was an old castle town with touristy shops etc.  I head to the head and have to drop a serious deuce.  Hungover, ciggs, strong coffee all played a factor. 

I run/walk in, secure a squat (no seat) and then as I begin to relax glance in horror at the blank spot on the wall where the t.p. should be.  it is too late to turn back and I start to panic as I'm sh1tting.  What the hell am I going to use?  I do not want swamp ass, I do not want to smell like sh1t.

I start going through my pockets and find an ATM receipt and an altoids can.  I start with the ATM receipt and it goes about as horribly as you might expect.  I come up like a 5 year old eating a 100 degree snickers bar.  At this point, I'm committed.  I squeeze every inch out of the receipt and then realize that I'm going to need that Altoids liner.  I pull it out, try to blow off any of the dust that will surely burn my bunghole and then go to town trying to get things right down there.

I manage to pull/button up without smearing the sh1t on my hand on my clothing and I am excited to get a good hand wash going with a nice soapy lather.......NO SOAP!  So I water it off and look for an American girl with some hand sanitizer.

All in all, I found the sanitizer and the wine washed away the pain.

[dmartin]

I proudly stand up and wipe.  I'm not sticking my hand down in that toilet to wipe.

[RonLongshaft]

im a sitter. im also a back to fronter, and no i do not smear poopie all over my balls or my taint, it takes little to no talent to pull off after you have covered all the ground you need to make a successful wipe.

i do have a question though. how many times do you wipe? do you just do it once, twice, or do you keep at it until you feel all is clean and you can go about you day? i personally do the all clean, but i know a girl who told me she just does it once and that is all girls need to do cause they dont have the juices ones that can cause dingleberries like males do. 

[KansasForever]

Front to back, sitting down, inspect after each wipe, will pre-wet wipe with sink if necessary to be truly thorough, will then follow wet wipe with at least one more dry wipe to get the wet toilet paper debris out, try to get at least minimum two clean sweeps in a row before leaving, will often flush halfway through to avoid inevitable stopping up.

All of this was much easier when I was 14 and didn't have the moss back there. 

[krazykat]

squat/hover. till clean.

[pufizzle]

I got called out for standing while in the dorms.  I have never been so confused/embarrased/scared in my entire life.   

Now I get nervous that I might wipe the wrong way and just reach between my legs while sitting and splash some water up towards my anus area.  Never gets it fully clean but I haven't had to purchase toilet paper in 3 years. 

[Saulbadguy]

w-t-f

To me, this is unheard of. I literally did not know people stood up while wiping. 

[yosh]

The standing while wiping phenomenon stems from the fact that your parents make you stand so they can wipe your asz during poty training.  Likely, most parents never say, "BTW, you can just do this while sitting when you start doing it yourself."

As a result, just about everybody starts out as standing wipers.  If you never figure out the standing technique on your own, it's a sign of your inability to question what you are taught and/or break with routine.

[Saulbadguy]

Wiping -

Sitting down, front to back.  I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume.  If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel.  Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.

Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe.  Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper.  I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.

Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room.  Also paper towels usually work.  If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do.  I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.

RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:

1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself.  Air dry as best as possible.  This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties.  If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.

2. Take off pants, and underwear.  Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day. 

 

[steve dave]

Saul is prepared for every contingency!!1! 

[Saulbadguy]

Saul is prepared for every contingency!!1! 

Thankfully, I have never had to use the RED ALERT strategies.  Those are just worst case scenarios.  I've thought about every other possible scenario and those two seem to cover them all.

[steve dave]

Saul is prepared for every contingency!!1! 

Thankfully, I have never had to use the RED ALERT strategies.  Those are just worst case scenarios.  I've thought about every other possible scenario and those two seem to cover them all.

Yeah, good to be prepared.  It's like the onion article about the guy with a survival strategy for prison.

[dmartin]

but what if you're already commando?  I try to keep some extra receipts in the wallet for just such an emergency. 

Also glad to hear i'm not the only one that occasionally wets the TP to get a good scrub on those craps that just never seem to come clean.

[RonLongshaft]

Wiping -

Sitting down, front to back.  I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume.  If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel.  Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.

Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe.  Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper.  I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.

Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room.  Also paper towels usually work.  If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do.  I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.

RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:

1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself.  Air dry as best as possible.  This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties.  If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.

2. Take off pants, and underwear.  Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day. 

 

in red alert #2 a sock can also be very useful, if you sporting tube socks rip off the tubing and cinch your shoe down extra tight. its a little awkward the rest of the day but better than swamp ass and crap stink

[ksuno1stunner]

Wiping -

Sitting down, front to back.  I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume.  If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel.  Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.

Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe.  Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper.  I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.

Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room.  Also paper towels usually work.  If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do.  I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.

RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:

1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself.  Air dry as best as possible.  This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties.  If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.

2. Take off pants, and underwear.  Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day. 

 

I'm going to have to print this out and keep it with me at all times

Another red alert could be to just yell at someone to get you TP, or anything.  Could be slightly embarrassing, but you're behind a stall, so its not like they will see you, just take some extra time so they are out of the vicinity.

[Saulbadguy]

Wiping -

Sitting down, front to back.  I layer the toilet paper to achieve maximum cushion between fingers and bunghole. I do this two to three times, depending on the volume.  If needed, use those hemorrhoid pads that have witch hazel.  Sometimes, insert the pad in to the rectum to achieve maximum cleanliness.

Wiping in a bad situation (at home) -
i've used newspapers, magazines, toilet paper that I discarded because I blew my nose in it (use the other side), or wipe with hand with sink running and rinse hand after each wipe.  Or I would just drop the pants, lean over with ass in the air as to not disrupt the poo, and waddle over to the linen closet where we keep the extra toilet paper.  I would try this one first, the others only if we were out of TP.

Wiping in a bad situation (public place)
Aforementioned sink strategy, if in a private room.  Also paper towels usually work.  If in a public stall, i've actually had to wait for everyone to leave the bathroom, zip up and go in to the next stall and then wipe. This is devastating and ruins the day for obvious reasons, but it is about the only thing you can do.  I've thought about wiping with paper currency but decided against that.

RED ALERT STRATEGY
Busy public bathroom, no TP, nothing around you to use, can't escape without imminent embarrassment, here are the two strategies i've designed:

1. Flush the toilet, stick hand in the water and use the water to cleanse yourself.  Air dry as best as possible.  This will not work in pit toilets or port-a-potties.  If you are in one of those, refer to strategy two.

2. Take off pants, and underwear.  Wipe yourself with your underwear, and discard. Go commando the rest of the day. 

 

in red alert #2 a sock can also be very useful, if you sporting tube socks rip off the tubing and cinch your shoe down extra tight. its a little awkward the rest of the day but better than swamp ass and crap stink

Excellent.

[pufizzle]

One time, at a friends house when I was young.  I sharted a huge amount in my whitey tighty's while sitting on a bean bag chair.  No one noticed so I tried to walk as non chalant as possible to the bathroom.  There, as if a nightmare were unfolding, I found zero toilet paper, and zero tissues.  I couldn't walk to a different bathroom because it was starting to run down my leg.  So, I took off my underwear, which was holding the steaming pile of shart.  I then took one of their hand towels and wiped off my inner legs and taint area.  I then put my underwear inside the towel and folded it all up and put it in the cabinet underneath their sink so it would take them a while to find it and I would be long gone.  

I never heard anything about it ever again.  

[TheShocker]

im a sitter. im also a back to fronter, and no i do not smear poopie all over my balls or my taint, it takes little to no talent to pull off after you have covered all the ground you need to make a successful wipe.

i do have a question though. how many times do you wipe? do you just do it once, twice, or do you keep at it until you feel all is clean and you can go about you day? i personally do the all clean, but i know a girl who told me she just does it once and that is all girls need to do cause they dont have the juices ones that can cause dingleberries like males do. 

I believe that girls are actually retarded enough to believe this. This would also explain why every single girl on the planet has panties with skid marks on them.


I used to wipe standing when I was kid but I've been a sitting wiper for quite some time now. Front to back, inspect after each wipe 'til clean. Then I go in with the wet wipes. Usually just one wet wipe will finish the job. For those of you who don't use wet wipes, try it. Your butthole will thank you. And you'll be absolutely disgusted when you realize how much crap you clean off with the wet wipe after wiping yourself "clean" with TP.

[Saulbadguy]

One time, at a friends house when I was young.  I sharted a huge amount in my whitey tighty's while sitting on a bean bag chair.  No one noticed so I tried to walk as non chalant as possible to the bathroom.  There, as if a nightmare were unfolding, I found zero toilet paper, and zero tissues.  I couldn't walk to a different bathroom because it was starting to run down my leg.  So, I took off my underwear, which was holding the steaming pile of shart.  I then took one of their hand towels and wiped off my inner legs and taint area.  I then put my underwear inside the towel and folded it all up and put it in the cabinet underneath their sink so it would take them a while to find it and I would be long gone.  

I never heard anything about it ever again.  

Reminds me of clogging the toilet at a guests house.  You just walk away and don't say anything.

[steve dave]

This thread is too lol for work 

[lynchmobrules]

This thread is too lol for work 

That is very true.  People keep walking by and giving me funny looks.

[I_have_purplewood]

Thought the stand up wipe was just a kid thing but had an incident at work to make believe otherwise.  So, one day I'm at work taking a dump in the office crapter. (Hate that btw, usually will wait to go home at lunch.) Anyhoo, I'm using the handicap stall because it's much roomier and people can't really tell who's in there because of how it's constructed and low and behold someone comes in and gets in the stall next to me. (There are only two stalls.) I'm all because that's just not cool.  Well, the guy is like done in a minute but I see from his feet that he gets up, turns to the toilet and starts wiping.  I'm thinking wtf? To make it worse, after he's done wiping, he gets closer to the toilet and takes a little squirt.  Then I'm really . I do a shoe check because I have to find out who the quad is in our office.  Walk around all day barging in to as many offices as possible to try and find this guy and pick his brain. Never find him.  I'm kind of thankful in a way but always thought that that dude would have some stories to tell.   

Story #2 is about my 3 1/2 old son.  He has been potty trained for around 6 months.  Didn't have any problem in the cross over.  Anyway, when he is done taking a dump, he will call for Dad to come wipe him.  I'll walk in the bathroom and he'll be on all fours with his ass in the air all ready for his cleaning.  I've never had a problem with this because he is in the process of doing it himself but have always thought to myself; "wouldn't it be nice if life was always this easy, having someone wipe your butt for you on a daily basis." Then I think. "Yep, I bet this is how rich Saudi oil barons' live."

Still think this is a weird thread.

[steve dave]

Glad I'm never having kids

[Kat Kid]

Glad I'm never having kids

and mrs dave sez?

[steve dave]

Glad I'm never having kids

and mrs dave sez?

havin' kids