72
« on: May 09, 2013, 03:35:53 PM »
REALLY LONG STORY WITH LOTS OF WORDS
my senior year of high school, just setting in Mrs. Cross' spanish clas when all the girls started screeching. I catch a glimpse of a furry squirrel (from here on known as dickhead) running around under the desks. Being a quick thinker, I shut the door so he couldn't escape and have the teacher hand me an empty computer paper box. I casually corner dickhead and put the box over him. Then i rip ripped the corner of the lid and slide it under the box. Boom, I have a trapped dickhead.
My buddy and me take dickhead out in the hallway in his box and proceed to the locker hall which is lockers on one, windows on the other. I hand my buddy dickhead in a box and proceed to open the window. This following detail is important for later: the window is not the regular sliding kind that goes horizontal or vertical but rather the kind that you twist a handle to unlatch it and then pull it towards you and it vents up and in, in a v shape. So I open the window and right as my buddy is getting ready to lower the box to the vent, the end of period bell rings. THIS IS WHERE THINGS GO WRONG FOR BOTH ME AND DICKHEAD.
The loud noise turns dickhead into the tasmanian devil from the cartoons and he unleashes hell on his temporary transportation device. He knocked the box off from the lid and proceeds to fall right on my arm, with my hand still holding onto the window handle. Dickhead locks eyes with mine for a moment and we both knew this was going to end poorly. He starts digging his nutgrabbing claws in my arm and I start to shake it. He loses grasp and goes airborn only to latch his teeth onto my right thumb on the way down. At this point, i hold my hand up thumb down about a foot in front of my face and look in amazement. As i start to shake my hand a little bit to see if he'd let go, that's when I see the blood running down my arm, turning from a drip to stream off the point of my young trampy elbow.
Sreams, I slowly look around and everyone had filed out into the locker hall at this point and are standing in a semi cirle staring on in wild eyed amazement. This adds fuel to the fire for both dickhead an me. I lower my hand to my knees and start banging dickhead against the radiator underneath the window. Dickhead still there. I raise my hand above my head and start a dickhead helicopter but he must have stowed away on a carnival tilt-a-whirl once because it doesn't phase him. Once again i lower him down to my knees and proceed to kick the crap out of dickhead but HE WILL NOT LET GO. Almost out of options, I have one more trick up my sleeve for dickhead.
I lower my hand down to right above the window so that dickhead will be crushed when I close the window. Slam dickhead in the window and he lets out a little moan but isn't done. So I just rapid fire open and close the window on dickhead until at last, he lets go of my finger and falls onto the grass outside.
At this point, I've noticed it has grown extremely quiet. I turn around and can best describe the landscape as a jackson pollock painting with my own blood. It's on the floor, the windows, the lockers and even some of the ashen-faced onlookers who are staring with mouth agape. So I grab my wrist and apply pressure and walk towards the nurses office while the crowd before me opens like the red sea.
Once the nurse gets it cleaned up and the bleeding stopped it becomes apparent that dickhead had bitten entirely though my thumb. She was worried that it had rabies because it attacked me and I tried to explain that it was frightened and felt threatened and was just being a squirrel. She won out and animal control was called. I was asked where the squirrel was and said walk outside until you see the window with all the blood on it, then look down. I was told dickhead wasn't there and shook my head in disbelief as I got up to go outside. As I'm standing outside with the animal control dude looking at the ground, we hear a pathetic moan from above us and look up and dickhead is slumped over a tree branch 10 feet up and looking worse for wear.
Animal control gets his pellet gun out and knocks dickhead out of the tree. Says he's gonna cut dickhead's head off and send it to KU med center for a rabies evaluation. I was told I would know within a week if I had to go in for the painful stomach shots. So a week later, I get the good news that no rabies but my fingernail also fell off. It grew back deformed and the doctors tried as they could to fix it, even removing it several other times over the years and treating it with medicines and creams to no avail. Finally about 5 years ago I noticed that it was starting to appear normal around the cuticle and it proceeded to grow out fine. No problems since.
So yeah, squirrels suck
Show Posts
