All right, Dark Tower hot takes:
1. What in the holy eff?
2. Who were they making this movie for? In a nutshell, they took concepts from Dark Tower and fashioned them into a completely different story. Why? Who on earth thought that was a good idea? Who in the holy eff (see point 1) read the opening line of The Gunslinger - "The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed" - and said "nah, we're not gonn do that story." That person or persons needs to be punched in the balls and face, simultaneously and repeatedly. So does Stephen King (a well known Hollywood whore) for allowing this to happen to his magnum opus.
3. If you know nothing about Dark Tower, you might enjoy this movie for the beautifully stylized action sequences - but only if you can accept that the film bounces around worse than a kid who accidentally snorted coke instead of his ADD medicine. If you are a fan of Dark Tower, you'll probably hate the movie (see points 1 and 2). That doesn't leave many people who will enjoy it. By sheer coincidence, it's tracking at around 18% positive reviews!
4. Much like a Star Wars prequel, all the actors are top notch, and completely wasted on this crap show. MM is a great Flagg. (MM's agent: "Hey Matt, I've got a gig for you, and you won't even have to change wardrobe between Lincoln shoots!" MM: "All ride all ride....."). Idris Elba is certainly not the Roland of the books, but he is a badass Gunslinger. Jake Chambers is good, too.
5. As I mentioned, the movie is beautifully stylized. Production value is top notch. Gun action is thrilling. Mid World is gorgeous. It's like salt in the wound seeing how amazing this could have been if they had told the friggin story of the books!!
6. Lots of fun little nods to other King movies. I noted 1408 and Shawshank Redemption. King himself does not make a cameo unless I missed it.
7. We won't see another of these. This movie is going to tank any hope of a franchise. But hope springs eternal - if they can reboot Spider-Man 5 or 6 times, maybe they can give Dark Tower another go in a few years.
If none of this makes any sense to you, read Books 1-3. If you like the fantasy genre you'll really enjoy them. Don't let this movie be all that you know about Dark Tower.
