Answers to awkward social situations

[hemmy]

You are eating lunch with someone and they laugh and a little piece of food goes out of their mouth onto your arm.

Oh man this is a good one.

[CHONGS]

Is it OK to punch schreds F-I-L when he's picking his bread crust off in a social setting?

No, you should give the "mortified look" (aka the Pam [seasons 1-3] from The Office look).  It would also be ok to take three steps back away from the offender.

Noted.  How about when he's just being a dipshit in general (which is most of the time).

I need more specific scenarios/situations.

Like when Mrs Schreds' lil sis bought a new fridge that had no interest for a year (she's a poor) and he told her to just make min payments rather than try to pay it off before the interest began accruing.   Or the evening before our wedding (to which he contributed nothing) when everyone was pitching in to decorate and prepare and he refused to help so he could get to bed since he had a tee time the next morning before his oldest daughter's wedding.  Or when being introduced to Mrs Schreds lil sis' boyfriend's grandmother, the first words out of his mouth are "how old are you?".  I've got lots more if you need them.

use the appropriate "mortified/knowing" look in all situations.

[CHONGS]

You are eating lunch with someone and they laugh and a little piece of food goes out of their mouth onto your arm.

How big of a piece and what kind of food?

[CHONGS]

Your boss has a decent sized large booger hanging out of his nose?

(This happened to me about 18 years ago. We were at lunch. I didn't say anything. He reached up and felt it, so then he grabbed it and removed it. Not really picking a booger, as it was pretty much fully exposed and didn't have to dig to get it.)

1) Keep motioning at your own nose with your napkin. 2) If your boss is an alpha-male type just tell him he has something he needs to take care of on his nose.

[schreds21]

Is it OK to punch schreds F-I-L when he's picking his bread crust off in a social setting?

No, you should give the "mortified look" (aka the Pam [seasons 1-3] from The Office look).  It would also be ok to take three steps back away from the offender.

Noted.  How about when he's just being a dipshit in general (which is most of the time).

I need more specific scenarios/situations.

Like when Mrs Schreds' lil sis bought a new fridge that had no interest for a year (she's a poor) and he told her to just make min payments rather than try to pay it off before the interest began accruing.   Or the evening before our wedding (to which he contributed nothing) when everyone was pitching in to decorate and prepare and he refused to help so he could get to bed since he had a tee time the next morning before his oldest daughter's wedding.  Or when being introduced to Mrs Schreds lil sis' boyfriend's grandmother, the first words out of his mouth are "how old are you?".  I've got lots more if you need them.

use the appropriate "mortified/knowing" look in all situations.

Noted.  I'll start working on my "looks".  Something like this?    or more along the lines of 

[michigancat]

Here's a situation I was in recently:

On a work trip in a foreign country with three women. We had one day off, split off after lunch to do our own thing - girls were getting a massage with a woman who works in the local (foreign) office - and we had plans to meet for dinner at 6. At about 5:45, I get an email from the local person saying, "Hey, we're having dinner at this place by my house. You can take a 30 minute cab to get here if you want!" I look up the restaurant on tripadvisor and the first review mentions cabs getting lost on the way, and I have no cell phone service in this country to call for directions, and I don't speak the local language. Also I had a late lunch and wasn't very hungry.

How does chingon act in this situation?

[Dugout DickStone]

I have been invited to a fundraiser with a bunch of people I have met on the internet.  I plan on drinking a ton to make it less awkward but how do I handle a ton of people who I only know by their internet "handle"?

[Mrs. Gooch]

I have been invited to a fundraiser with a bunch of people I have met on the internet.  I plan on drinking a ton to make it less awkward but how do I handle a ton of people who I only know by their internet "handle"?

Don't worry, there will be name tags (I think).

[sys]

On a work trip in a foreign country with three women. We had one day off, split off after lunch to do our own thing - girls were getting a massage with a woman who works in the local (foreign) office - and we had plans to meet for dinner at 6. At about 5:45, I get an email from the local person saying, "Hey, we're having dinner at this place by my house. You can take a 30 minute cab to get here if you want!" I look up the restaurant on tripadvisor and the first review mentions cabs getting lost on the way, and I have no cell phone service in this country to call for directions, and I don't speak the local language. Also I had a late lunch and wasn't very hungry.

this is the easiest and least awkward social situation i've ever read about.

[michigancat]

On a work trip in a foreign country with three women. We had one day off, split off after lunch to do our own thing - girls were getting a massage with a woman who works in the local (foreign) office - and we had plans to meet for dinner at 6. At about 5:45, I get an email from the local person saying, "Hey, we're having dinner at this place by my house. You can take a 30 minute cab to get here if you want!" I look up the restaurant on tripadvisor and the first review mentions cabs getting lost on the way, and I have no cell phone service in this country to call for directions, and I don't speak the local language. Also I had a late lunch and wasn't very hungry.

this is the easiest and least awkward social situation i've ever read about.

Well I lead a very low-stress/low-awkwardness life. I handled it quite well, but I wanted to hear how chings would respond.

[CHONGS]

Here's a situation I was in recently:

On a work trip in a foreign country with three women. We had one day off, split off after lunch to do our own thing - girls were getting a massage with a woman who works in the local (foreign) office - and we had plans to meet for dinner at 6. At about 5:45, I get an email from the local person saying, "Hey, we're having dinner at this place by my house. You can take a 30 minute cab to get here if you want!" I look up the restaurant on tripadvisor and the first review mentions cabs getting lost on the way, and I have no cell phone service in this country to call for directions, and I don't speak the local language. Also I had a late lunch and wasn't very hungry.

How does chingon act in this situation?

If you want to meet them
1) Use Google Maps (or whatevs) to get directions, find closest major landmark as a backup.  Write down the name + address on four pieces of paper in both English and the native language (if non-latin alphabet draw the characters as best you can).   Give paper to cab driver and mention its near landmark X.

If you don't want to meet them
2) Say you already found a place you like and are getting drinks already.  Will talk to them tomorrow.

[CNS]

"Cab got lost.  Said eff it and found something close to hotel.  "

[The Tonya Harding of Twitter Users Creep]

farting on an elevator

[Dugout DickStone]

"Cab got lost.  Said eff it and found something close to hotel.  "

"i've been kidnapped, I need $1000"

[BIG APPLE CAT]

you line up for a cyber high five and get left hangin' 

[CHONGS]

farting on an elevator

You don't do it in the first place.  Do you also need me to tell you not to crap in your hand and smear it all over your office walls either?

[CHONGS]

you line up for a cyber high five and get left hangin' 

Take it in stride and think about what you might have done to deserve the shunning.

[kim carnes]

related:

my dad will rip out a fart in front of anyone at anytime. I think it's subconscious at this point what do I do? do I ignore it? apologize on his behalf privately later? join in with my own farts to maybe inflate the fart shock market to the point of collapse?

You should give a "knowing look" (aka the Jim from The Office look) to the others.  If you cannot establish eye contact then you should give a "HA HA" so people look at you then give the "look".

[_33]

You are eating lunch with someone and they laugh and a little piece of food goes out of their mouth onto your arm.

How big of a piece and what kind of food?

Very small piece, like an ant.  I think maybe part of a crouton.

[Kat Kid]

your wife works with someone and is friends with them.  this co-worker/friend's kids are terribly behaved.

(e.g.) her children (aged 1yr 8mos and 5yr have bitten/scratched other children on multiple occasions) and when this comes up, the co-worker will get defensive, shift blame or otherwise not address the issue or even admit it is an issue.

much evidence points to her and her husband displaying poor parenting skills/decision making.

1)  What steps should a spouse take to support/encourage their partner in a delicate work/friend/terrible parent situation?

2)  How should a couple go about planning their future interactions (short-mid-long-term) with terrible parents that socially are ok (but have their quirks) for adults.

[bones129]

You are eating lunch with someone and they laugh and a little piece of food goes out of their mouth onto your arm.

hurry and eat it before they try to take it back

 

[CHONGS]

You are eating lunch with someone and they laugh and a little piece of food goes out of their mouth onto your arm.

How big of a piece and what kind of food?

Very small piece, like an ant.  I think maybe part of a crouton.

Wait for five seconds, then brush off with napkin. Never break eye-contact.

[CHONGS]

your wife works with someone and is friends with them.  this co-worker/friend's kids are terribly behaved.

(e.g.) her children (aged 1yr 8mos and 5yr have bitten/scratched other children on multiple occasions) and when this comes up, the co-worker will get defensive, shift blame or otherwise not address the issue or even admit it is an issue.

much evidence points to her and her husband displaying poor parenting skills/decision making.

1)  What steps should a spouse take to support/encourage their partner in a delicate work/friend/terrible parent situation?

2)  How should a couple go about planning their future interactions (short-mid-long-term) with terrible parents that socially are ok (but have their quirks) for adults.

1) Spouse should make up a story regarding a cousin of yours who also has troublesome children.  An amusing yet slightly disturbing anecdote works best.  Then your spouse tells how the situation was solved (i.e. how he/she thinks these behavior issues should be corrected) and that it was surprisingly effective.  Important to keep it light (yet still slightly disturbing).

2) Establish a no-kid ground rule, plan on grown up date nights together.  If they need to bring children something unfortunately will always come up. For more specific scenarios please let me know.
2)

[CNS]

Avoid #1, execute #2, IMO.

[michigancat]

Yes, lying creates new potential awkward situations.