1) I lived in Auburn, Alabama for 2 years working as a faculty member at Auburn University. You still have a Hastings which is cute and a Shakey's Pizza. Kudos. But all of the students rolling around in running shorts and winter coats when it is 70 degrees makes you look like a bunch of chodes.
2) The Alabama comb-over. All the dudes in Alabama walked around campus with tight ass khaki shorts that clearly ride up the cornhole with tucked in shorts, a stupid comb-over that is clearly inbred with adorning boat shoes/loafers. And enough with the Risky Business 80s sunglasses. We get it...you're trying to be all southerny and preppy which is a complete paradox. That is like saying my trailor is a mansion. Accept the inbred genes you came from people.
You're from Kansas. Kansas. 2) Boiled peanuts.
Are absolutely delicious and only an ignorant summabeech would think otherwise.3) Toomer's corner is pretty cool. I get that. But driving on College Street is one of the worst things possible in a town that size. People use the turn lane like a regular driving lane and it's racist. Magnolia is the AIDS of streets and we need to stop that epidemic before it gets out of control.
4) Loachapoka Syrup Sop. I don't get it. It's a small town festival for syrup, but like one vendor has syrup. It's mostly a cover to sell E Coli infested turtles and racist things like lynches and confederate flags.
Salmonella. You get Salmonella from reptiles. And I wasn't aware lynches could be purchased in a retail fashion. Next thing your gonna tell me is you just swipe your card on someone's phone Square and commence to hangin' some poor fella. 5) Public prayer. Every time I went out to dinner with my colleagues at AU, they prayed before the meal. I love the G-O-D but it is awkward sitting around while people hold hands and pray before meals wondering where their hands have been.
Sorry that actually living out our faith offended you. You're probably one of them AlKaydeers aint cha?6) Chicks wearing sundresses. That's pretty hot. You've got that going for you.
Yes. Yes it is. 
7) Jordan-Hare Stadium or should I say copycat of Arrowhead stadium. Auburn, your stadium is a house of lies. The stadium is clearly a rip-off of Arrowhead stadium. You'll never be Alabama.
See, this is where your story falls apart, clearly you've never been to Auburn. However, it wouldn't be a bad place to be fashioned after if it were true. Thank the sweet Lord for that.8) Aubie. You are the worst of all. You constantly look like you are having a seizure. Get some meds man. You walk around like a tiger, but tigers don't walk on two feet. That's un-American you douches. Aubie's head is beyond flat which is probably the result of inbreeding or being eaten by all those war eagles flying around.
I'm beginning to think you might have spent those 2 years as "faculty" *ahem* at Clemson and not Auburn. 9) War Eagle. What the eff is that? What is this Rome? The story of how it even came about is a total lie. Plus, when I went to a game against Mississippi State I saw the damn eagle slam into the glass of the press box. That is inhumane and cruel. Southern hospitality...more like brutally slaying animals across all walks of life.
Ummm, it's an eagle. Now, as a Southerner however, I have brutally slain my fair share of animals.
Can't wait until tomorrow. Gonna be fun! 
